It hurts to let go of friends who are toxic

I am still terrified of my anger and can't bear to look at its ugly face. I feel pain about the past when my mother ignored me because she was ill with depression, I feel incredible pain about this, i blamed myself for not being good enough, if i ws good enough she wouldn't be so unhappy. I cried about this and felt the pain for the first time last night and thats been held in for 15 years.

I felt so much anger last night about the way my ex behaved by sending inappropriate messages to other women and i felt like it was because I wasn't good enough that he needed to do this. I know it really has nothing to do with me but my mind tells me it MUST be me really and i have to face the fact that i'm not good enough. I don't really believe this but my anger comes out at myself because i don't let it out properly.

Please help me God to stop attacking myself. NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT and i have a responsibility to myself today to take good care of me and love myself the way you want me to be loved.

I had a flash of anger just then after writing that at God for letting me keep all these painful feelings in all this time and for the fact that i continue to do it. I know i am responsible for my feelings and behavior but i am so scared of saying who i am and what i feel. I have learnt from my mother to shove everything down and not talk about my real feelings and i want God to free me of this.

Please help me God, help me to have my feelings and to be able to express them in a healthy way, or for now maybe just to express them and the healthy way can come later once i've started to get all this stuff OUT OF ME.