new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Jan 16, 2010 21:18:33 GMT -8
For some reason, last night, my wife was kind to me and wanted to have sex. I agreed because it had been awhile. Anyway, I kept thinking of my POA during sex. It wasn't so much I was fantasizing or pretending it was her. It was more that I was thinking of her, and wishing I was kissing her, etc. I am totally ashamed and alarmed. It has been at least 3 months since I have kissed my POA, and 6 since we have been intimate. (Never full on sex, but close enough)
Does this happen to anyone else? Will this go away? I have been thinking about kissing my POA all day today, eventhough that is unrealistic and can't happen. I didn't feel a rush about the fantasy, just more of a sadness. Anyone been through this before? Is it normal?
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Post by geedee on Jan 17, 2010 1:33:40 GMT -8
welcome to my own hell... if anything new hope, it gets better in time. the more NC i have , the more i realise what is fantasy and what is reality. that's why i was isolating myself from my H even tho' we live in the same house. I'm trying to do total NC i.e. not even thinking about my POA(ex) in 'real' terms' but the fantasy part is the hardest to kick. luckily i know that we had no real chemistry on that one occasion we were together( at least as far as I was concerned) so his kisses mean nothing to me, can hardly remember them actually, his touch? ditto, I'll leave the rest ... but same thing. it's my head and what i made up in the meantime that torments me. Recovery means moving on and concentrating on us. that's what we have to think about but right now i prefer to abstain from sex with my H and not have to go thru what you have just described. It IS getting better but still not as I would like things to be. the rush of emotions you experience when having sex or making love in this case, is bound to take you back to the object of your desire and/or the person you have been fixating on. I think greta
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Jan 17, 2010 4:14:27 GMT -8
Thanks Greta. I appreciate that there is someone else out there that can relate! It is kind of like having my own personal hell. The thing is, my POA and I had great chemistry. We loved each other's touch. It was very powerful and very real. It was just that neither of us was available so it was very wrong. I can't help but compare while making love. Compare how each kisses. Compare how each feels. Compare chemistry and intensity. I know on an intellectual level this is wrong, and not good for me. But at a feeling level, it is hard. Perhaps I am grieving? ? Unfortnately I work with my POA (ex) so LC is the best I can have. And our LC has been very strained, so it is not like she is waiting for me, tempting, being nice to me, etc. She is doing none of those things. Which kind of bothers me. I don't know if those two things are related at all. My wife and I are in counseling together, I am in therapy for myself, I go to CODa, I am on this forum, but I feel like I am having a slip mentally as far as my POA is concerned. It doesn't help that my wife has been distant and cold for years either. THat is my excuse for getting involved with my POA in the first place. So am I grieving? Am I secretly hoping my POA and I will eventually work it out? I do miss that rush that came when I saw her and I knew she loved me and wanted to be near me and touch me. Haven't felt it in 7 months, but I still miss it. Haven't felt that from my wife in 8-9 years. Since I was sick with cancer.
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Post by geedee on Jan 17, 2010 5:31:56 GMT -8
new hope, I've always had a problem with fantasising. I suppose when the novelty/limerence wore off and when we had been together for a while and my kids were born i had to have somebody else in my head...usually a George or a Brad or a Sting. not always but sometimes when i wasnt in the mood but didnt want to let my h down. it could have been a chapter in a novel or a scene in a film that inspired me. It depends...
And not because i didnt love my H but just because i think that in long term relationships there needs to be an extra something ... a spark shall we say.
luckily the chemistry is still there with my h but I detached from him a lot when he got very sick. and i'm finding it difficult to overcome that.
i was very attentive throughout his seizures - they lasted 8 mths and he'd wake up screaming during the night and i'd jump out of my skin. ( I think I'm still suffering from a form of PTSD) grab his leg and try to give him some relief from what we thought were severe cramps. i was scared sick and tried so hard to find out what was wrong with him.
it took 8 long months of panic filled nights before we discovered he had a brain tumour. and that was only because i wouldnt give up and refused to listen to many of the specialists who said there was nothing wrong apart from his back troubles.
my husband was traumatised but so was I and so were my daughters.
sorry getting sidetracked. what i meant to say was that your wife probably had to find some kind of coping mechanism to deal with your cancer too and maybe she has distanced herself emotionally the way I have with my H.
I'm very cold towards him still because I'm not ready yet to really get close to him again. I think i feel betrayed that he got sick and almost abandoned me so now i'm afraid that if i get too close I'm going to get hurt again.
I've noticed that I'm not depending on anyone these days. apart from God.
still have to find the balance and learn how to be affectionate and loving without the fear of giving too much and being let down.
i can assure you NH that I have exactly the same probs you describe but will not elaborate because, as you know, we are not really supposed to talk about sexual issues here.
I believe many other people are in exactly the same boat but not ready to admit it. everybody i know that is in a long term relationship does this...you dont just lie back and think of England as they say...at least I don't. the problem is if you are fixating on someone real like your POA, and wishing you could be with them. That is dangerous for your marriage. Almost destroyed mine. so you have to choose. your POA or your wife?
I've been grieving the loss of my POA or the illusion of my poa whatever you want to call it but I'm letting go. have you read the 'triangles' forum? you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage or not. or if you want to make this thing with your POA work. Either/ or NOT both/and
NC and time has helped a great deal so now I'm not future tripping or wanting my POA in my life at all. i know i want to be happy with my H again but still trying to figure out how to do that, knowing full well what I've done and not being able to tell him for all the reasons I've talked about before.
greta
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 17, 2010 22:55:54 GMT -8
NewHope,
When I was with my exPoA I compared in my mind some things & the PoA was far more intense in every way, it really felt like love. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my H, however the intensity will be hard to deal with if I am intimate with my H in the distant future (if it's meant to workout).
My exPoA did not offer anything outside of sex so I have that to compare in a relationship as well. My H left me very alone our entire marriage. I don't see it as an excuse to become addicted, I think there was always hurt going on inside me & since my H was unavailable for me to kling to anymore I attached myself to someone else because I was not aware of the option to recover from such a thing.
Today I don't know if I will re commit to my H or go our seperate ways. No answers on that yet. I know it will be a long time before I can even think of intimacy with him. I'm very thankful he does not ask in anyway because like you I would feel as if it was a need I should fill as a spouse...and well...I just couldn't.
I understand.
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Jan 18, 2010 11:13:13 GMT -8
Greta (Do you when I type your name if often make a typo and type Great!??) I guess that is because you give great help : )
As far as the whole triangle thing, there really isn't one in the real world. My POA and I really have no relationship, not one of any consequence, anyway. So it is not really a choice of one or the other. Last I heard, she was going to try to make things work with her husband, and "us" wasn't an option.
From my end, I need to focus on what to do with my marriage. What I/we (my wife and I) decide to do with our marriage is not really related to choosing to pursue my POA, because there is nothing there to pursue, and she doesn't want to be pursued anyway.
So I know it's not an either or decision. However, you are right, that it is dangerous to think about my xPOA when being intimate with my wife. I just wanted to check that out and see if others have the same issue, and the shame that comes along with that.
As far as my marriage, we have had the same issues for many, MANY years. We have talked about them. She knows my issues and what I want. I have asked her what she wants out of our marriage, and she is thinking about it. I guess I am not sure.
I want to feel her love and appreciation through her actions. She will tell me she loves me and appreciates me if I ask her, but rarely does she show affection, appreciation through her actions. She does with the kids, but not with me. It is like she is rubbing my nose in it every time she hugs one of our kids (ages 11-20) and says nice things to them. I know she has it in her. She just chooses not to give it to me. She says it isn't that she doesn't want to, just that she is too tired and busy. I have felt like I was the least important person in our home since our kids have been around, except the months I had cancer and radiation treatment. I then moved up the rankings.
I am tired of waiting for my wife to act like I am a priority, not a commodity. She needs me for the work and caring of the children that is needed, but as far as her needing me for a relationship, I don't feel it. I just need someone to be nice to me and appreciate me as a human person. Not just a worker or a tool to get things done.
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Jan 18, 2010 11:17:34 GMT -8
Great,
I also appreciate your feedback about the feelings you have about your husband almost abandoning you by being sick. I have never thought about that in regards to my wife that way. It could sure be true. There was also a time 2 years ago where she found out how close I came to committing suicide. She could still have resentment and abandonment issues over that as well. THis is something we should discuss in counseling.
Thanks Great Greta: )
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Jan 18, 2010 11:25:44 GMT -8
OK2BME,
It sounds like we are at the same crossroads in regards to our marriages. I have had the same issues attaching to others so I felt loved and appreciated, because I didn't get it at home, nor from myself. It is what it is.
I just wish there was an obvious sign of what to do. I wish I knew what would make me happiest for the 2nd half of my life. I know living like this isn't going to cut it. I would die disappointed in how I spent my love relationship time and energy with my spouse. Not disappointed in my kids and how they are, or that I had them. Just disappointed I didn't love/ didn't feel love from my spouse in a way that was satisfying for so many years.
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Post by geedee on Jan 18, 2010 11:37:28 GMT -8
i want to feel loved and appreciated too new hope. I feel I'm taken for granted but my h says exactly the same thing.
we all get selfish in long term relationships I think. as a young mother I know i neglected my H. (my girls are 16 and 22) when he got sick i told them that for the first time in my life i had to put their dad first. that is exactly what I did.
the last two years were hell for them tho. they risked losing their dad but they also felt the loss of their mum.
there's only one of me and the tug of war between my h and daughters meant that i distanced myself from all of them and tried to escape into another world.
i was running away from my responsibilities because i had run out of steam. I gave gave gave and felt i got nothing back. the life was sucked out of me and i felt totally empty. so here we go again, i needed sthg to fill the void! enter POA.
what we are all learning here thru step work and all the introspection that goes with it, is that we can not expet another human being to fill the void. there's something that has gone wrong somewhere along the line. something that we lacked as children to make us the way we are today.
I was at breaking point...I di actually break at one stage but I'm starting to feel whole again. there was nothing missing inside me at all, i made the hole. I looked for emptiness where there wasn't any. I think we're lucky to have a spouse by our sides.
instead of looking for affection, how about giving it? just small doses. and see how it goes with your wife. I stopped giving cos i didnt feel i was getting back.
one small example...it's cold and i have a favourite thermal throw. everybody wants it when we are sitting together watching tv. my hub had a thin blanket and i asked my daughter to go get her dad a duvet from my wardrobe. my h reached out and stroked my hair. brought tears to my eyes but even a tiny gesture can get you something in return. I'm going to try and do little things to show i care and see what happens.
i want to be loved but i need to love first to get my needs met. just the way my h is.
lots of people have mentioned the typo with greta...good thing it's not my real name LOL ;D greta
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 21, 2010 17:35:49 GMT -8
new hope, you asked, "Anyone been through this before? Is it normal?"
Yes, I've been through it countless times -- about 30 years of this kind of behavior -- yearning, craving others -- married twice -- and always the yearning, wanting, craving.
Only recovery is getting me to stop this -- 12 steps, insight into what makes me tick, support groups. Also a book I've read has really opened my eyes to my behaviors (particularly the first chapter), called "Beyond the Chase" (available through Amazon or Hazelden.org). I highly recommend it, if only to see that our behaviors are chemically driven, thus very addictive, and it IS possible to overcome this...
havefaith
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 22, 2010 19:42:06 GMT -8
New Hope,
It remains to be a very strange time for me & choices that will need to be made. I would like it to be a clean break, instant, no one gets hurt. Doesn't seem possible. We both love our adult kids & without doubt it would hurt them. None of them have been married yet & I even worry it will change their views on marriage if we don't make it. I'm not wanting to stay here against how I feel but not sure of how I feel since I'm just coming out of a severe addiction.
I can find things to be thankful for with him. Companionship is not one of them, we've never had that although we are not enemies. I'm thinking companionship is an important part of a marriage. We'll see how it goes.
The best is hoped for you as you recovery & find answers too.
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