Post by ferre on Sept 28, 2012 22:34:52 GMT -8
I have been in recovery for codependency for over a year.
One area of my life i never talked about, my love relationships.
Simple because i never had one. I feel ashamed about it. Asking myself what is wrong.
Avoid annoying questions from friends and family.
Now I know that I am a love addict.
Most of the time i am extremely scared of intimacy. I abort new relationships within a few months.
Just because of extreme fear.
Only 4 times in my life i became close to someone. Someone out of my reach. They would become my best friends.
I would completely insanely forget about myself and the world around me.
I would become a personal servant. Physically, emotionally, spiritually for the other party.
Only for 1 of them i would also become a sexual servant.
3 of the previous relationships ended because the lifetime was finished or I stopped it.
The current one is about to stop. I lost myself completely. But now I found out about love addiction and i think it is a matter of time i step out of it.
I am not in recovery yet for love addiction.
Post by LovelyJune on Sept 29, 2012 3:54:19 GMT -8
Welcome ferre! You're in the right place. ANd everyone here is very supportive.
It sounds like you have both sexual anorexia and torchbearing. And you are absolutely right--both come from an extreme fear of intimacy.
Have you read any books about it? Your goal should be to try and work through your fear. It sounds like at its very basic level it is fear of the unknown too.
Without giving you too much homework, I strongly suggest finding a book on how to build your self-esteem. We fear intimacy because we do not want anyone to see us or know us intimately because we don't like ourselves. When you learn to like and accept and forgive yourself, only then are you able to allow someone in.
Here are my personal book recommendations: thelovelyaddict.com/books/