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Post by sillypoppet on Nov 5, 2011 13:06:33 GMT -8
I've been feeling pretty depressed for the past couple of weeks. I was doing well (or so I thought) until I went out on ONE coffee date. Yes, sadly all it took was one date to get me shaken up. The problem isn't that I never heard from the guy again (yeah, that sucks), but more so that I'm feeling really lonely. I've been trying to reach out to friends, but I haven't had too much luck. Most of them are married or in relationships. Naturally they want to spend their weekends with their significant others- I understand.
So, I've been trying to figure out how to get out of this funk. I know that I need to feel satisfied with my life before trying to date. My problem is that there are all of these things that I want to do, but they are things done with other people (i.e. bowling etc).
My best friend (C) who was kind of like my sponsor/support system, has slipped back into heavy LA behavior. I'm angry at her for how she's been treating me, although it's typical behavior of an LA. So, I have been trying to distance myself from her, but it hasn't been easy. We used to talk every day, and I miss her. Now when we talk it's always about LA drama, melt downs, and how she is unhappy. She tells me that I don't know anything and that she's in control of the situation- but she's not. These are all things I have told friends when I have been actively participating in LA.
So, as I'm writing this, I think that I'm really hurt. It's not easy to find good female friends. I know that what C is going through is her own challenge in life. I'm responsible for myself and my happiness. She's not responsible for keeping me company, and I'm most definitely not responsible for soothing her LA self inflicted wounds. I asked a female co-worker to an art and wine festival this weekend. I got two free tickets, and decided against asking C. If no one can go, I might just go by myself or not at all. I need to stop relying on C for company... especially because I don't like her behavior.
2 weeks ago I got really depressed, and I emailed D to see how he's doing in Iraq. It's a funny situation in that I don't have any feelings for him. I'm not attracted to him anymore, and I don't fantasize about being with him. When he gets back from Iraq, he is being re-stationed in a very remote and very cold place. There is no way I would ever want to move there! The only thing that attracts me to D is that I know his patterns. I know for sure that he is going to be a workaholic, he will neglect me, and he will treat me however he feels like at the moment. I know all of his quirks, his likes/dislikes, and most importantly what to expect. Which is literally nothing.
I got an email from a guy that I randomly met at the bar (Mr. Red Flags). He's cute, and he was very interested in me... but I swear that if I start to go down that road it's just going to be another trip to LA land. I can't decide if this is me being sexually anorexic or if I'm just using common sense. Maybe both.
Bleh, it's just depressing to me. Any advice on how to handle the blues? I'm going on week 3 here...
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 5, 2011 13:36:07 GMT -8
Silly, you are obviously a really intelligent woman with the ability to see deeply into yourself and into others. And you're smart enough to realise there's something going on for you, ie. LA, with men. But I get the feeling that there's still a major discovery waiting for you to wake up to with how you currently live your life.
For instance, you say you know that you need to be satisfied with your life before you start dating, but that all the things you like to do take another person to do. I totally relate to this thought, I clearly remember having it FOR YEARS. The other person was really A MAN, my man. If I had to find a friend to do it with it was really only second best. And now i see that thought as totally bogus. It's the biggest lie I was telling myself. I haven't had it so solidly for so long now, in that same "I need a man to be happy" way, it's hard to think it without going "What??!!!" inside. But i know it so well.
The reason I say that is that I'm finding out, so far, that a whole stack of the things I like to do are available to me, with or without a man, if I really want them. In fact even the ones that my mind says "No, you really need a boyfriend for that", are actually do-able. And if I tell myself I'm missing out on the real goodies in life, because I don't have a man, I am a big victim of life. All the good things I have are invisible to me. I'm ungrateful.
This may sound like a small technicality. Missing the "being grateful" part of life. But I've found out that it's HUGE. It's the difference between happiness and sadness.
My LA thinking let me believe that I needed a man to be happy. Full stop. I still hear it in my mind. I was thinking about playing table tennis with people last night, and how much I miss it. Well, guess what? I could try to line that up for myself, if I really put some energy into it. If I don't put in that energy, and instead feel lonely and lacking next time I want to play, who do I have to blame?
A list is in order. Some of the things I thought I needed to do with other people: go to the movies go out to dinner go to the pub to watch a game on the big screen go and see a band or a play
The other things that I can't do without someone else I am able to ask friends. and if I don't have friends to do it with I can look for new friends and clubs, like with tennis and bowling- tennis clubs, bowling clubs, etc.
Thanks so much for your honesty and sharing. I wouldn't have remembered that thought I had about table tennis without you. I'm really looking forward to getting that game! I wonder how long it will take me to line it up.
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foolmetwice
Full Member
"A star danced, and under that was I born." Shakespeare
Posts: 196
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Post by foolmetwice on Nov 5, 2011 14:06:08 GMT -8
Silly, I agree that it is really difficult to truly feel "ok" with being alone alot. But there is so much freedom in that if you think about it. You decide everything in relation to your OWN life. It's okay to take a chance and trust your instincts as far as meeting people, BUT I don't take myself to a bar to shake off the blues. My best friends right now are my two DOGS! They take me for walks (I live in the city) and I always always run into other dog walkers, have a little conversation and it brings me into the moment. If only for the duration of the walk, I am brought out of my funk and I decide, while I am out walking what I will do when I get back in the house, whether it be doing the dishes or starting an art project. Then I do it and I took a baby step. It's okay if I think about whatever I think about while i'm doing it, as long as I'm doing something because I have evidence that I did something to show me that I can keep going, keep breathing, keep myself "faking it til I make it". Just making baby steps, moving forward with living, taking care of yourself is going to sort of simmer inside of you. Other people cannot treat you as well as you can treat yourself. And you can treat yourself well because you deserve it. Sometimes I have to let the impulse to "go out and find" fun" fade back until I feel that I feel better just watching a good movie, munching on treats and getting lost in the moment without anyone to answer to. But it is easy to want to seek companionship because we, as you say, "know someone's patterns". I think it's ok to get to know someone else's patterns instead of cutting people off out of fear that you won't be able to listen to your own inner self protector. You are probably better at that now and if you feel better getting out and talking to people rather than sitting home with no choices but to think about those who have let you down, well...I think....baby steps. Just don't think the bar is the way to meet. Take your laptop to a coffee shop and just be amongst people for an hour. Hope this helps. Peace, Fm2
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Post by Herenow on Nov 5, 2011 21:05:32 GMT -8
Silly, I'm just coming out of a phase where I couldn't find any friends to help me through some tough stuff. I had really good friends but no one could be there for me. It was like some kind of test where I had to learn to go really deeply inside myself and connect to my higher power/higher self, but certainly reach deep inside. I had to learn how to do this. So I've spent the past year with a formal meditation practice and really upping my prayer and readings. WHen I would feel alone with no one to turn to, I would go inside. In the beginning it was really hard but now it is the first place I look, and of course my friends are showing up for me again. I have to think it was another piece of my recovery, really learning how to be there for myself!! I think jacarandagirl and foolmetwice have great ideas and thoughts about this as well, it is definitely part of our recovery path. Good luck!
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 6, 2011 3:17:25 GMT -8
It's all about PERSEPCTIVE. When you're single, the world looks like a wonderland for couples, and when you're in a relationship, you can clearly see that singlehood has MAJOR advantages. The grass is always greener. If you're hung up on being single, PLEASE go out to the store and buy Jen Scheft's "Better Single Than Sorry." I'm used to reading stuff like Anna Karenina, but sometimes, a cheesy little book like this one is just what I need! And I actually learned a lot from this book.
As for your circle of friends, do you think that maybe you are limited in people who have similar values as you? Try to find (easier said than done) friends who are where you want to be--single, career-minded, NOT La's. I dont think you're anorexic. I think you are just frustrated.
Lastly, try to push yourself out of the blues. Don't feed into the "poor me" mentality. Don't allow your mind to wander into the "I'm lonely and need a guy" thinking. One thought leads to another and the next thing you know, you've convinced yourself of your own depression. But if you block these types of thoughts and cram some positive stuff in your mind, you redirect your brain and thus, your emotions.
Not sure if you're a reader, but whenever I had the blues, it was straight to the bookstore. Not online! But an actual bookstore where I could smell the books, hold them in my hand, run my fingers across the spines and flip pages. There's also a book on what to do when you're single, and there's also this great video.
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Post by calvin on Nov 6, 2011 4:30:56 GMT -8
Hey Silly, your post really resonated with me. I too am working really hard on stopping all that drama and LA acting out... and in its place there seems to be an enormous hole! Nothing, nada, zip... I sit and wonder 'so what do I do now'?
I've been NC with my PoA for 10 weeks now, and rather than get easier, it seems to be harder at the moment - weekends especially... I haven't been in contact, because like you I know what to expect from him 'which is literally nothing' (that made me laugh out loud when I read it). So why be in touch? For me it would be to create some more anxiety, drama, yearning, business, travelling, arguing, being let down; all of which is pretty good stuff to fill that hole.
Although as we all know, that fill-up is only temporary...
So like Diane, I'm trying to be comfortable with myself and feel the feelings I have (today they're doing me in...) I figure that these feelings are the ones I tried to bury by becoming LA. So, I'm going to feel them. Deal with them as best I can. Write them down to get some more sense from what is going on. I do have moments of clarity when what I'm doing makes sense.
I discuss them occasionally with close friends, but actually following on from LovelyJune's suggestion, I'm just not talking about it so I don't perpetuate them. That has been difficult, but sometimes it makes life easier; they're mine, I'm working through them and when I'm out and about they aren't getting an airing....
I've been reading some Zen (Karen Maezen Millers 'Hand Wash Cold' is just lovely, thought provoking and calming) to learn to just sit with myself and have that be enough.
I don't think I've been much help with all this, other than to say you are not alone, and to see that after a year Diane is finding the way easier - I suppose there are no quick fixes. I too give it over to my HP and to really trust and have faith that the right things are happening for us. I remember at one particularly low point me praying for guidance on what to 'do' and a clear response came back 'do nothing'. That's not a cue for apathy, but to allow the world to unfold around you, to take opportunities as they arise, but not to try to force a particular outcome. So easy to say and yet so hard to do. And for me, that is the challenge; trust, faith, calm and dealing with my own sh*t!
Stick with it; you're worth it.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 6, 2011 13:59:53 GMT -8
Thanks for vid LJ, I saw that about a year ago, before i was embracing being alone, and now it really resonates with me. And I can also recommend living with friends with similar values, after having spent a year living alone. Having humans to ask for a hug from is pretty wonderful when you never had it growing up. calvin- you are in the thick of withdrawals calvin. I feel for you. Remember- if you keep going you may never have to go through it again...and in any case, the miles you have ticked off now you will never have to do again in quite the same way, it's not possible. I know how hard it is to give up that source of validation. But the person you are wanting it from is not the right one. It's coming from the child within you who wants to secure, once and for all, their unavailable parents love and attention. Give that child a big hug and tell it that it will be alright. Warm, chocolately milky drinks also help. xx
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Post by margot on Nov 6, 2011 21:33:52 GMT -8
Thanks for that video LJ. It was sweet. I've been living alone for 15 years and for the most part love it..........the other part is viciously sad tho and that's why I'm making the effort to come out of my shell. No longer do I have to be alone always. Looking for balance.
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Post by calvin on Nov 7, 2011 6:14:39 GMT -8
Jacarandagirl - thank you for that... yes, up to my eyes in it all, and got through it... I thought after 10 weeks I'd be in a better place, but it comes and goes... am laying in a provision of chocolate for the next bombardment! I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 7, 2011 12:14:52 GMT -8
calvin- you're welcome. Preparation is a good idea and a really mature thing to do. I'm learning about what happens to me when I over-commit. It's been painful and eye-opening. I went into my "the world is not a safe place" mode several times this last week, and ended up feeling a real crash in self-esteem. I hate feeling that way and now can see more clearly how I end up there, so will prepare better next time.
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Post by sillypoppet on Nov 14, 2011 19:35:51 GMT -8
Yep, you're all right...
I'm telling you, this depression thing is very strange. Maybe I should call it "melancholy" if anything. I don't lay in bed all day, listen to depressing music, and not eat (now that's truly when I'm depressed). It's kind of off and on with the LA.
I decided to see what would happen with Mr. Redflags. I finally talked to Mr. Red Flags via FB messenger and in the middle of the conversation he disappeared. No goodbye or anything. He messaged me later and said, "Oh yeah, sorry I went to dinner with my friend." Eh. I initially felt bad about it, and then I thought to myself that it was just rude. I really don't have time to be dealing with guys like that (and putting everything together, I really have better things to do).
At this point, I really don't want to waste anymore of my time on men. I'm trying to spend time with other people, or do things on my own. It's going okay so far. My best friend, C, was being very much an LA over the weekend. I got my feelings hurt because she blew me off two times in a row for him. Instead of yelling at her, I just let it go and talked about it with my mom. I decided to go to a coffee shop, work on hwork, and clear my head. She ended up calling me because her PoA treated her badly. In some ways, it's good for me to have a third person perspective of LA. I can see my friend and her PoA's cycle clearly. She tries to convince herself that she's in control (something I have always done), but in reality she's in denial. It's a good reminder to me not to behave in those ways and not to go back to LA. Rule of thumb for me- if it's causing me pain over and over again, then it's not love. It's addiction.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 14, 2011 21:34:25 GMT -8
Good for you silly deciding to get your needs met elsewhere (with your mum who must be a pretty alright sort of person) and do positive stuff with your life instead of obsessing over men, or over friends who have their own issues. God knows i've wasted so much time on that too. I get SO MUCH more done now than I ever have before. And I feel tired at times, but then I re-energise with a bit of rest and feel great again! I'm going off!!!
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Post by newbie on Nov 15, 2011 3:21:41 GMT -8
Silly, we all get depressed sometimes, it's natural. What i do when im alone and depressed is walk a lot, the execrise gets me in an upbeat mood and i lose weight! I'm getting over a break up, it's been since end of September, can say i'm doing quite well, thank God. I know he was no good for me.
i relocated 2.5 yrs ago, still dont have great friends, so i do things a lone a lot, i actually enjoy it.
Recently i went to the Red sea and stayed in a nice resort and just swam all weekend and went to the beach, actually, that's why i broke up with my bf, he found out i was there after i went and couldnt see why i did not tell him first, well im used to just doing things alone and being indepenent. I actually enjoy it a little too much, no hassle waiting around for people, but there are things i prefer to do with others, like eating in a restaurant, going to social places like "hang out" type places, wont say clubs, because that's not my scene anymore.
anyway, i need to work on new relationships here, because of my recent break up, i felt a bit low and even though i do have friends here, as i had some time off, for a religious holiday, i booked a holiday and went to stay with family, as i live on my own and didnt want to make an effort to organise my days off to be social, i just wanted to be in company.
anyway, you can manage it. I love being single as i love to travel, i think enjoy your single time when you can, because someone will come along eventually and you will miss that. Not that he should stop you feeling lonely, friends and family can, but just do whatever it is you want, focus on a passion and get stuck in, dont wait for the kettle to boil. Hope you feel better soon, ups and downs are natrual, for me paticulalry before my period, but tell yourself you will be okay, and know that the winter can create blues too, all these external factors you need to be aware of, kind of like HALT. It's hard to see when you're feeling depressed, but try to be objective, think you're doing great anyway! As for emailing D, i wouldnt, it's a downward spiral, have you decided to be friends with the man that caused you pain? Or we're you "filling a void?"
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Post by sillypoppet on Nov 16, 2011 11:14:31 GMT -8
Wow, a trip to the red sea... that sounds like a lot of fun. I can't imagine taking a vacation on my own (let alone taking a vacation at all- I'm a full time graduate student and I work full time!).
Actually, what inspired me was a friend at work. Her husband's job has a lot of demands, as does her job, so she is alone a lot. She told me about how she likes to go to places that are a day trip, or even go to a new coffee shop by herself (that's where I got the idea on Sunday). We went to a festival together a couple of weeks ago... we went together, but we didn't walk around together. We were looking at different things, but I really enjoyed it. There is another artist festival coming up where you can visit the studios... I think that I want to go by myself. It sounds like fun.
I'm on good terms with D... we had a long conversation in which I got closure (this was before he deployed in October). I'm not angry with him anymore- it's a mixed feeling. He's like a security blanket, but not really... because when I was dating him, there was little emotional security.
I emailed him because I got lonely. But, aside from LA there are things that would cause even a normal healthy relationship not to work out (i.e. his job vs my goals). He emailed me recently apologizing for forgetting to email me back... and then he didn't respond after that. It initially bothered me, but I also understand why he didn't. Most importantly, I'm grateful that it has ended where it has.
I do want to share an experience of mine.
I had a friend at work who had crossed over the friend line last year. He had kissed me, but we did not have sex (although it has always been awkward since). This last week, after a few conversations that made me uncomfortable, I pulled him aside to talk about it. I wasn't comfortable with him making sexual comments to me at work, and he kept insisting that I "owed" him a nice dinner (because he had done me a favor at work). Well, he didn't take it well when I told him it made me uncomfortable. He got very hurt and stopped talking to me. After a couple of days I texted him and asked "are you upset with me?" he responded with "who is this?" It hit a button with me, but I didn't react (I kind of knew he was going to delete my number because he was angry). I asked myself what any other person would do in that kind of situation- which was to let him go. I shouldn't have to apologize for asking him not to make sexual comments! It was really inappropriate at work, and the comment about dinner was very disrespectful (especially because he continuously made it over the course of a few days). I also shouldn't have to beg for him to talk to me. I took his number out of my phone to ensure that I wouldn't contact him (should the urge ever pass over me again). From now on, it's strictly professional conversation...
But, I'm proud of myself for not trying to fix it. I had a right to voice my feelings, especially when it involves my work.
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Post by newbie on Nov 16, 2011 12:59:26 GMT -8
Gosh, silly, that sounds like a HR violation, he shouldnt be making sexual comments to you at work, boundaries. Okay, you may have kissed, mixed messages, but still, i dont think he should do that at work or expect a dinner date. Anyway, wouldnt stress about it, his ego probably took a hit! What do you mean i didnt try to fix it, how do we LA fix things? And why do we always feel so guilty for being assertive? I tried to make my ex speak to me for a while after he dumped me, although he gave me the silent treamtent and i felt so guilty, even though he dumped me. What is that about?
anyway, with regards to the guy at work, he has no right to make sexual comments, he shouldnt get upset because you asked him to stop, he deleted your number because he has an ego problem, it's a fair enough request! you didnt insult him.
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Post by runrunrun on Nov 16, 2011 14:10:56 GMT -8
I havent read all the replies. Many though. You have gotten some good advice.
Your post reminds me of my kayak club. I have 365 members. Nearly all of them are looking for people to hang out with. Which is why they joined. Most are single. Most are empty nesters or never had kids. But are in the same boat as you. They like the outdoors and want to have folks to hang out with. Check us out on meetup.com. Western Mass Kayakers. Its a great way to surround yourself with like minded folks who are not necessarily looking for a relationship or dates.
The other thing is, at least to me, that I would rather have less friends than friends with addiction issues they are not working on. If theyre in recovery then fine. If not then I choose to surround myself with healthy friends. Just this year I removed all the unhealthy friends from my life. Granted its a lot quieter now. But its a lot saner too. If they are making my life miserable then gone with them.
RRR
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Post by sillypoppet on Nov 19, 2011 12:28:49 GMT -8
Yeah, I've never had many friends because I have social anxiety. So, losing friends is difficult for me. However, I have let a couple of people phase out of my life because of the drama. I felt more like I was their "therapist" than their friend. I didn't get anything back from the relationship, except worrying about them.
I agree with you Newbie! It was completely unacceptable at work! It was a naive comment that he made regarding the therapeutic quality of clay. He started talking about "oh yeah, I like to pound things- haha- I do that all of the time." I was offended and embarrassed. What I meant by "fixing" it was smoothing things over. I could have made the effort to console his hurt ego, and patched things up. But, I chose not to because I wasn't in the wrong. He was hovering around my desk at work the other day. I was on the phone, and finally he gave up and walked away. He then proceeded to pretend to ignore me (although at one point I did felt that he was watching me). It's immature and narcissistic of him to believe his behavior should always be accepted.
Yes, I got a lot of great feedback (THANK YOU!!! :-) I'm trying to rely less on others and do more on my own. I think that when I get a free moment, I should go to the movies by myself. I've never done that before.
After I posted my last comment, D emailed me (ha, he must intuitively know! lol, jk). He mentioned that we should hang out when he gets back from Iraq. I told him that perhaps it's not a good idea... seeing as things are much better than they were before (two meanings there- I'm doing better and we're getting along better). I would be afraid that the addiction to him would kick up if I saw him.
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Post by runrunrun on Nov 20, 2011 4:16:18 GMT -8
I think you made a good choice and stood by what you knew was right.
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Post by person on Nov 20, 2011 12:13:40 GMT -8
sillypopet: do you know that such behavior at work is called sexual harassment? If he continues this behavior, you should complain to HR and to his supervisor. This is unacceptable in the work place.
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Post by sillypoppet on Nov 20, 2011 20:24:14 GMT -8
I agree with you Person, but it's also important to talk to the person first. I don't think it's fair to take something to HR before trying to work it out. Sometimes people aren't aware that they have stepped over a boundary. I would want someone to do the same for me.
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Post by person on Nov 20, 2011 20:50:04 GMT -8
sillypopet: yes, of course. I meant if after you told him to stop and he continues even 1 time, then you should immediately complain.
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Post by sillypoppet on Nov 22, 2011 10:24:21 GMT -8
Yeah, I think that he got the point... just like when I told him to stop discussing my dating life at work. He's just a kid, 23, so I have to keep that in mind. He's a little boy in an adult body.
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