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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 8, 2012 21:27:03 GMT -8
It's been awhile since I have posted....I have been keeping stuff inside....and doing my best to deal with it....and at this point i am not doing very well.....I have had bronchitis 2x in about 30 days....and if i remember correctly Louise L. Hay states that if u have bronchitis...we need to give ourselves a voice.....Not sure when i am going to learn to let it out and give my self that voice..... I am on break from classes until Monday...and i have been sick in bed the entire week....today i finally did some dusting and vacuuming and laundry... I am feeling very emotional because Mothers Day is coming up on Sunday....and it will be the first Mothers Day since my mothers passing....and then the following week..will be my mom's unveiling...so i am really struggling.... After reading a post on here about sitting with my feelings....I had to do that today...and I dont like it....at times...but i had the awareness that i was going to act out...and i refused to give in to it... so i sat down on the sofa and gave myself the time and attention...to put my feelings into words...and i also wrote it down...but i only gave myself about 10 minutes to do this...only because..i didnt want to get stuck in it...and it was enough time to process it....and the bottom line was letting it God and giving it to God....i put my writings in my God box...and i actually felt so much better... I just wished i didnt have to go through all of these feelings and emotions..about my mom....i miss her so much....I know she couldnt be in a better place...because she is in God's hands...i just want my mommy....i also told my inner child its okay...and i hugged me... I am also struggling with my sister texting me about a month ago...telling me she has 2 words for me and it aint happy birthday....and i know she will ignore me at my mom's unveiling....and i cant tell u how hurtful that is ....my dad use to do that to me all the time...and boy does it trigger me.... I will make some phone calls...and i will keep reaching out....this is a very sore subject... Another thing thats bothering me...is my oldest son....he called me the other day...and i didnt answer the phone.....he only wants to hurt me...use and abuse me....he is taking his drugs....and doing what he is doing...that includes my sister....she is doing her drugs too.... like i dont have enough to think about....thanks for listening... I just wish i could of reached out sooner....Sun  |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on May 9, 2012 1:47:37 GMT -8
Sun, you have such a tender awareness about what is up for you, please continue to do just what you are doing, because it sounds like you are healing to me. Congrats on the awareness you had that you were in danger of acting out. And that you are being triggered by your family. And the courage to feel your feelings of loss with your mum. You are doing really well. Take care of your sweet self.
xx
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Post by wahinewha on May 9, 2012 2:05:03 GMT -8
Dear Sun, how I understand how you feel. Your feelings of loss, I to lost my Mum in 2011, I bonded extremly tight to my POA who also experienced a passing at the same. I was not able to attend my Mums unveiling as emotionally I wasn't even strong enough to get out of bed. Since the passing of my Mum my obsessive addiction florished and took over me. I always new my tight bonding with my POA was not natural due to circumstances, but somedays the thought of living without my Mum was just unbearable. I would love to have a caring sister like you, you have tolerated alot from your family it sounds like, and living from day to day and prospering is a fine example of resiliance that would make your Mom proud. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by Herenow on May 9, 2012 2:50:14 GMT -8
sun
just wanted to say I am sorry it is so tough. I haven't lost my mother yet, but I know that is a big loss. You do have a ton of awareness about what is going on in you. No matter how tough it feels right now, feeling it will set you free.
Keep giving you and your inner child lots of loving up this week.
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Post by bklynrn on May 9, 2012 3:12:55 GMT -8
Hi Sun,
I'm so sorry and I understand how you feel. You're doing the healthiest thing for yourself now. Staying aware, going to your feelings and sharing it here with us. Were here for you, Sun. Take care of yourself.
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Post by Chosen on May 9, 2012 4:19:06 GMT -8
Sun, I know how it feels. I also loved my mom so much. After a year that I lost my mom, my unhealthy attachment towards my ex-POA begun. Your suffering with your son reminded me of my mom's.
You got a lot on your plate right now but I'm confident that you'll come out a stronger and better person as you are letting God walk you through it. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and feeling better.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 9, 2012 16:16:24 GMT -8
thanks everyone....i really appreciate your shares....it helps so much..... Jacarandagirl....you are very sweet..and thank u so much ...for your kind words...yea..i thank God..i can recognize it...i just hope and pray i do it all the time...and dont want to act out anymore....and i also know that the next 2 weeks are going to be so hard to do....i feel like i am walking on egg shells..with all this feeling stuff...I know feeling is a huge part of recovery...its just everything i do...my mom keeps coming back up over and over....today was the first day since february..that i started arranging some of my school books and recovery books...and then i found all of my mothers books...and of course i am crying again...maybe i need to give them all away or something...or put them all somewhere until i am for them...i dont know...i guess i am trying to fight the feelings again...ok...wow this isnt going to be easy.... wahinewha....i am sorry for the loss of your mom too....i can so relate with u bonding like that with your poa....unfortuately..i couldnt handle the loss of my mother at the time.....and i reached out to him....only to find out he lost his father alittle after i lost my mother....the bottom line for me was that I changed and he didnt....and on thanksgiving day...his true colors come out....and its been over....it would and could never work with him...he wasnt workable...it was truely his way or no way....and i had to let him go....i thank God for giving me the strenght to get out of that situation.....these boards saved my life.....and i will be forever grateful....NOT sure if u read the post right about my sister...but she is in love with her drugs and i dont compete .....and she is a user and abuser....and i am doing NC with her....she only wants to hurt me...so i have to keep my distance from her...it was never this way....with her and I....but now...i just have to say God bless her and change me.... diane17 ...thanks and i will and i have been.....and she is very precious..to me....i must comfort... thanks bklynrn....your kind words..help alot....i dont want to be alone....and isolate...and try to figure it out....it doesnt work that way for me anymore... Chosen....thanks for your words of wisdom as well....i truly feel it too....its just that when i am near it...in it and too close to it....its very very scary but so do able.....i have peace in my soul when i let it go...NO poa or xpoa can ever fix my hurts....i know this now....i am so grateful....for my recovery.. luvmyself2....thanks for your honest post....i do know the suffering....alone....i just dont think anyone can take that away from me....but my recovery work....i had to do so much work....and finally....i pray for my hp to remove my suffering...my suffering was most of my life....from one addiction to another...and hopefully ends here with love addiction....i will keep u in my prayers....i have learned for me....is finding the right man is only God's will....cause believe u me....it never worked out my way....Sun |
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Post by Chosen on May 13, 2012 16:47:11 GMT -8
Happy Mother's Day to you Sun. You are a great mom. It doesn't matter how your son turns out to be, you've done your best to raise him up that's all that matters.
I'm sorry that this is the first Mother's Day since the passing of your mom. It must be painful to be reminded of your great loss. May you feel the loving comfort of your HP wrapped around you.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 13, 2012 21:38:09 GMT -8
thank you so much Chosen.....I agree with you..I absolutely did the best i knew how...and when i learned differently ..I did differently.... And yes it is too painful....it's as if she died all over again....I will tell you..that saturday night 3 minutes before midnight...she channelled her feelings to me....and it helped...she wanted me to know she didnt want me to be depressed and she wanted me to enjoy my mothers day....i could hear her telling me this....it was amazing....and then today on mothers day....my friend came over with some paints for a project we talked about doing together....and he handed me these incense and said they were for me....i hesitated on smelling them..because the last time i purchased some lavender incenses..i got bronchitis from them being so strong and it really bother my bronchial airways... anyway...as i explained that to him..he was walking away to put them on the table...and i asked him to bring them over...so i could smell them....and i started crying......they were the scent of musk..the perfume my mother use to wear.....that was a sign for me...that she was here with me at that time.....when i had her clothes....they were full of that perfume....and i wasnt sure what it was.....and this only confirmed it for me.... chosen....thanks again for your wonderful and kind words....i do feel comforted and wrapped up in my hp..Now i need to get past the 20th.....and it will be smooth sailing all the way.... i knew my oldest son wasnt going to call me...so i called him...of course he didnt answer..but its okay....atleast i had a tiny connection with him..... i did have a wonderful day with my youngest son....thank God.... I am wishing you a happy mothers day...as well...Sun |
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Post by Chosen on May 14, 2012 6:52:52 GMT -8
Wow! That's amazing and very touching. Thanks for sharing it. As for your son, *in time* he will REALIZE his wrong deeds to you and will HONOR YOU AS HIS BELOVED MOM. So don't get weary in doing good, *in time* you will SURELY reap a harvest out of the good seed you have sown.  |
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 14, 2012 8:59:32 GMT -8
thanks chosen....I just hope and pray my son gets himself out of this mess....what hurts the most is knowing he is reliving his earlier life...its what most of us do....no matter what i say or do....i am so powerless over him and his choices...I was amazed i even called him....i would of never done that before....and its okay...i dont feel worst...i dont feel like i expected anything....and that is an awesome feeling....i must say....He is wonderful man...but still lives in that unresolved child inside him....i pray for him all the time....and he is doing what he feels safe doing... thank you again for kind words....its great to know i have people in my fellowships that are here to support one another...Sun |
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