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Post by Mb123 on Jul 17, 2012 6:58:34 GMT -8
I haven't been on much....I had the distraction of taking care of my dad...but he recently passed away. My poa and I have separated and I feel completely empty. I don't know how I will get through this.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 17, 2012 10:26:59 GMT -8
That is very big news about your dad. No wonder you feel depressed, there would be some stuff coming up for you, esp. with the PoA split. Congrats on that! You might feel like you don't know, but something does get us through these dark times. Nice to see you back. xx
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 17, 2012 11:45:54 GMT -8
Sorry for your loss! Your sadness is normal and healthy. Allow yourself to grieve. You WILL get through it. You are a very strong individual.
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Post by Loving My Life on Jul 17, 2012 13:16:13 GMT -8
mb123, iam sorry to hear about ur dad. Allow yourself to grieve, dont stuff your feelings, just lean on family and friends, and ur hp. take one day at a time. And dont worry too much about your poa, he will only add to your stress now, and you do not need that. hugs
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Post by maxheadcase on Jul 17, 2012 13:30:12 GMT -8
Sorry to hear about the loss of your father mb123. That's tough! As everyone has said, allow yourself time to grieve and lean on family and friends. As for the breakup with your POA. Try to look at it as a blessing in disguise. I know its hard to do right now , but down the road you will be better off and a much happier person for breaking the chains of the addiction to him.
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Post by Mb123 on Jul 18, 2012 10:05:45 GMT -8
thank you...it's been tough
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 18, 2012 10:27:54 GMT -8
I am sorry about your loss. Losing a parent is sad and also a little scary because now we are orphans. Take care of your inner child.
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Post by Herenow on Jul 25, 2012 14:48:21 GMT -8
mb so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my dad about a month ago. It really is a big transition. I understand it takes time before we feel better. Just take it one day at a time. I hope you have support of understanding friends. And losing your POA might be a good thing, though hard you need people who really know how to be supportive.
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dkny
Full Member
Posts: 173
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Post by dkny on Jul 25, 2012 16:02:37 GMT -8
When it rains, it pours, huh? I'm so sorry for your loss....I know how it feels to feel so alone. I haven't lost either of my parents, but they aren't ever around. Hugs to you during this hard time...
I hope you have friends to find comfort in...if not, we are all here for you.
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Post by Mb123 on Jul 27, 2012 7:28:00 GMT -8
so so....my poa recently contacted me...he is trying to be the hero and rescue me from depression and I let him I guess...but I know our relationship really doesn't have a future...we're too different....cleaning out my dads things...he lived with me..is rough
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 27, 2012 8:04:18 GMT -8
so sorry for your lost mb123.....take care of yourself....yes it is rough...hugs to you....we are here for you....Sun
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 27, 2012 12:13:03 GMT -8
I figure when things are that bad, don't give yourself a hard time over accepting any kindness from a PoA. Take it, you could use a break right now. Just don't fall back into thinking it will last this time. Eventually the cycle will have to replay, it's physics, you can't get around it. And it has nothing to do with you, it's his past hurt that creates it. Which is not your job to fix.
Reading Women Who Love Too Much. Source of new understanding.
Hey it might be a good thing to do some kind of ritual for yourself when you have finished going through your dads things. Apart from the funeral. Something you keep of his in a special place in your home, or smudging the home (using smoke from bark and herbs as a cleansing/renewal tool). Something to acknowledge the passing of an enormous phase of your life.
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Post by brainhealth on Jul 27, 2012 13:54:35 GMT -8
MB,
Really sorry for the loss of your Dad. Lean on us. You will work through this. Don't allow POA interaction concern you right now. You have the rest of your life to deal with this. You need to grieve through your Dad's passing. This will take time and is a natural part of our lives. Take your time with this, lean on your close friends. No one is meant to do this alone.
Brainhealth
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 28, 2012 9:20:47 GMT -8
mb123....hope your doing better today.....Just was thinking of u....and wanted to share with you....that in a few days it will be 1 year since my mother passed away....and it doesnt seem that long....and it still hurts like hell.....to be 100% honest with you,....the only thing that makes me feel better is knowing she is in God's hands....and it doesnt get any better than that....she is my angel and watching over me....when i cry and I want to talk to her and tell her things...and i cant physically pick up the phone and call her...i can just say it out loud and i know she hears me....and she wants me to enjoy my life and not worry about her...because she is safe and in peace now....no more pain...no more worry....
I never had the mommie and daughter thing going on....but I share alot of good things and times with my mom...today i can be the best mommie to my inner child....
When i start to cry and think about her....I vision her in God's hands and arms.....and I know she is okay...Sun
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Post by healthyme on Jul 28, 2012 19:38:08 GMT -8
Sorry about your loss.
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Post by Mb123 on Aug 2, 2012 8:29:29 GMT -8
thank you all...I appreciate the kind words and thoughts...poa and I are on the outs again...he hung up on me and I start day 1 of no contact...it has been a very rough month...I am sad and don't know what to do with myself
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Post by brainhealth on Aug 4, 2012 19:25:44 GMT -8
MB,
I have a suggestion - inner child work. Remember, you are 2 people. 1) You the child and 2) You the adult.
You the adult have just lost a parent. But, you the child has also lost a parent - the key person in your life.
Hope this helps. Again, you don't have to grieve alone. We are there for you.
Brainhealth
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Post by Mb123 on Aug 6, 2012 19:06:41 GMT -8
thanks so much...during this time I have really tried to let go of poa...and everytime I make progress...I don't initiate contact...he does and he is so nice to me then...until I respond to him...then he turns...I don't understand it it's just crazy games and I want to let go...has anyone tried hypnotherapy? not sure how to do inner child work...is there a book you recommend brainhealth?
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Post by brainhealth on Aug 7, 2012 10:14:23 GMT -8
MB,
The John Bradshaw book (homecoming I think is the name) is the one everyone recommends. There is a section on the home section. But I find it useful just to imaine myself going back in time and visiting myself as a child in the house I was raised. I visualise that i knock on the door of my child home and imagine I give reassurance to that young child that he is loved unconditionally - I imagine myself hugging that child in a reassuring way. This by the way gives me a meditative high. There is obviously something good practising this visualisation.
And that MB is how I do my inner child work.
Brainhealth
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Aug 7, 2012 13:07:28 GMT -8
MB, in one sort of a way, that's all you have to do- to WANT to let go. That's it! Your job is done. Impossible to let go if you don't want to. When you don't want to, you may do it physically but you won't do it mentally. So now that you know you really want to, but are having trouble, and you know that you're really sick of it, you will get there. No-one can predict how long it will take you, but you are on your way.
I know when the very moment happened that I began wanting to let go of my PoA. I realised I was going to lose the ability to function in the world, with finishing a project that was very important to me. I sat there looking at the project and I knew without a doubt that it was impossible for me to work on it to the extent that it needed. It helped that I had experienced losing a project that I was very attached to not long before. I didn't want to to have to go through anything like that again. And THANK GOD something inside me knew that I could survive leaving the house I lived in (rent free) and splitting up with my PoA, although i did that a little later, after I had moved out. Because I did not FEEL like i was going to survive. How it felt was as if I was chopping off one of my arms and leaving a big part of me behind, while I moved on, bleeding profusely. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Childbirth was easy compared to it.
Now life is so much better it's hard to compare. I got the lessons I needed to start to heal from LA. I don't freak out like I used to about myself. I used to feel horribly depressed about being a loser and being unloved. It would descend upon me when I was alone, and I was eaten away by the suffering for some hours until I could push it away, only for it to return the next time I had a bad day, or a big challenge come up. It happened about every 3 weeks. I didn't know it was linked to LA. But I think it was, as it it has changed now, 18 months down the track. Just doesn't happen. Too much self-love for it to take root like it used to be able to. I can still feel a tiny pang of it sometimes, but I know that it's just the remnants of my childhood when I was captive to the suffering my parents inflicted, unknowingly, or at least unable to control themselves. It's not the truth.
XX BIG HUG to you and everyone who has ever felt this way.
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Post by Mb123 on Aug 7, 2012 17:29:33 GMT -8
thank you Brainhealth and Jacarandagirl...yes I do want to move on...he is bossy, controlling and nasty and I always felt I needed him...because he was my first lover...we just reconnected last year after 19 years apart. He blames me for everything and I'm so tired of it....I gained 24 pounds since I was with him, he encouraged me to have an abortion....when I didn't want to or believe in that. He makes me depressed and anxious...he plays games...I don't even know what to say to him...the last 8-9 months I have even given him money to pay bills, he isolates me from others and he is a bully...not just to me but to everyone....thank you for listening to me
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2012 20:17:58 GMT -8
mb123, a bully, controlling, etc. That was my PoA. I still cringe about him being so mean to me, and 2-3 days later, I'd miss him terribly, put all the bad stuff in the back burner, and plainly be ready to try again. I truly don't let anyone put me down. But I let him, and he felt powerful putting me down. I could hear it in his voice/intonation. He got a high from it.
It took me 2 years of back and forth to actually be angry at him. Why did I let him be mean? He said he was a bully in school, but was now cured. NOT CURED! What is this pull that kept me wanting him even after him bullying me? It was really strong. I now can understand battered women and why they go back to the men who hit them.
mb123, are you now angry with him? Really angry? I am, but even that is too much for me now. I cannot forgive him and move on. I still want him to suffer like I did and it's a strong feeling with me. I know I should move on, but I'm still stuck in anger after 1 year.
You're now grieving as well. All those feeling must be so confusing to you. One day at a time, and read and post here. It does help.
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Post by maxheadcase on Aug 7, 2012 21:10:00 GMT -8
mb123, you do not need this person in your life. It's just not worth it. I know moving on is hard but trust me, you can do it and you will feel so much better down the road. But you have to want to get off of this emotional roller coaster. Only you can end this vicious circle and really what will you lose if you stop talking to him and seeing him? You did it once before for 19 years, you can do it again. This man is feeding and leeching off of you. Time to end this chapter of your life! I wish you well!
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Post by brainhealth on Aug 7, 2012 23:06:01 GMT -8
MB,
Think like Signory Weaver in Alien - Put the B%asterd in the airlock (metaphorically speaking) - then open the outer door............. You need this guy out of your life now - you need to sever all connections, yesterday.
brainhealth
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