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Post by SandyLove on Nov 8, 2015 4:18:45 GMT -8
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Post by moonlitvein on Nov 8, 2015 20:10:33 GMT -8
Supercool Now see you around
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Post by healingodat on Mar 9, 2016 16:33:36 GMT -8
are men who are unable to communicate, meaning, share with you their feeling and emotional reality, yet they are available for everything else (talk about their day, share their family and friends and day to day living with you, spend time with you), considered unavailable?
I have to say sometimes to me, it does feel that way, because I share who am I emotionally, and I feel shortchanged if I don't receive mutual sharing from my partner, but does that make them unavailable?
This would mean therefore that I am also emotionally unavailable, however, I do share my own intimate vulnerabilities, fears, joys, sorrows, honesty.
I must be missing something.
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Post by healingodat on Mar 10, 2016 19:42:24 GMT -8
are men who are unable to communicate, meaning, share with you their feeling and emotional reality, yet they are available for everything else (talk about their day, share their family and friends and day to day living with you, spend time with you), considered unavailable? I have to say sometimes to me, it does feel that way, because I share who am I emotionally, and I feel shortchanged if I don't receive mutual sharing from my partner, but does that make them unavailable? This would mean therefore that I am also emotionally unavailable, however, I do share my own intimate vulnerabilities, fears, joys, sorrows, honesty. I must be missing something. [br I think i can answer my own question. When the forces of denial begin to weaken, its just not possible to continue lying to myself. For me, vulnerability and authenticity is what trully helps me feel connected to another human being and if i an be truthful, authentic and honest, i feel i am having a spiritual experience w another. If i am with a person who is unable to communicate and will not share their own vulnerability and authenticity, who am i having a relationship with really? Not even myself because it means i would have to put my needs aside for a connection or settle for lack of depth and intimacy. So if i analyze this further, why am i doing this other than wanting to continue an addiction to a person because deep down i am afraid of facing myself again. Facing and dealing with my issues of inadequecies or issues of avoiding taking care of myself, or issues of addiction to the longing and pain or of being a grown up in life? I have to ask myself what is benefiting me by being with someone who is emotionally avoidant and witholding. Who does it remind me of (dad) and how is it serving me. I am really working right now in making myself available to myself and stop looking at PoA to relieve me of discomfort. I feel if i continue to work on myself that i will get stronger and gave the freedom to choose if i want to stay in this or let go of it. Because right now i just dont want to or feel i am just not strong enough.
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Post by healingodat on Mar 14, 2016 16:59:28 GMT -8
Thank you for your support Vivi.!!
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Post by denverdignity on Mar 16, 2016 9:06:06 GMT -8
Very good insight, I feel exactly the same right now so this post was perfect timing and resonated with me thank you!
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Post by healingodat on Mar 23, 2016 10:30:12 GMT -8
Yes, I feel letting go of that negative control. The Serenity prayer!
Right now, this is exactly where I need to be. I am sitting here and it's been less than a day I havent spoken to my current partner. And there it is, that feeling of sadness. I can see it has nothing to do with him. Nothing at all. This is my sadness, my space. I can see that I had been putting so many things in it but self love, compassion, sympathy, awareness. I can see that the right thing to do is just be and keep doing what I am doing. I put some calming music, a candle, some incense and even journaling. This too shall pass. It's about loving myself and sitting with this and not reacting to it in a harmful or impulsive way, but think of ways or surrender to the moment. Maybe now I can take a gentle shower and let the water's healing properties do their thing.
I believe I can keep learning to love myself one day at a time.
In time, that sadness will turn into joy, or maybe hunger, or maybe boredom. As long as I do something kind and helpful and reach out for support from loving and caring friends or fellows.
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Post by rosebud73 on Jul 22, 2016 8:08:13 GMT -8
This is my issue too.
A cycle of pain, longing, heartbreak and eventually abuse or abandonment. Too many heartbreaks to count and I'm so sick of it.
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Post by shantes2017 on Apr 30, 2017 4:57:13 GMT -8
After reading through this thread I am more than ever convinced that im a love addict. Ive been obsessed over this man James for seven yrs. We began dealing with each other when I moved back to my mothers home town. I soon realized that i was not the only one. I have stopped communication from him for several months and even moved away. I actually moved back to the same town where we met last year. The whole time I was in Georgia I did nothing but think,of this man. Even though I know hes unavailable I still obsess and i wanna stop. October was the last month I was intimate with him. Then in febuary he moved into my neighborhood five doors down. He still contacts me on,messanger because he says he still loves me but don't know what to do with me. Even though he lives in the house with a woman who he says is his roommate which I don't believe . I just want to let him go but I don't know how.
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Post by shantes2017 on Apr 30, 2017 4:57:34 GMT -8
After reading through this thread I am more than ever convinced that im a love addict. Ive been obsessed over this man James for seven yrs. We began dealing with each other when I moved back to my mothers home town. I soon realized that i was not the only one. I have stopped communication from him for several months and even moved away. I actually moved back to the same town where we met last year. The whole time I was in Georgia I did nothing but think,of this man. Even though I know hes unavailable I still obsess and i wanna stop. October was the last month I was intimate with him. Then in febuary he moved into my neighborhood five doors down. He still contacts me on,messanger because he says he still loves me but don't know what to do with me. Even though he lives in the house with a woman who he says is his roommate which I don't believe . I just want to let him go but I don't know how.
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Post by schweik222 on Oct 19, 2017 5:03:36 GMT -8
i remember i was addicted to unavailable ukrainian girl which met through single ladies community. yes it causes you a lot of problems while you're in love. you never know how it ends and this makes you suffer the most.. uncertainty - in other words.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 19, 2017 8:44:06 GMT -8
i remember i was addicted to unavailable ukrainian girl which met through single ladies community. yes it causes you a lot of problems while you're in love. you never know how it ends and this makes you suffer the most.. uncertainty - in other words. Welcome to the board. Are you from the Ukraine as well? Loving someone who unavailable is the most painful thing in the world.
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Post by ithoughtilovedhim on Oct 20, 2018 15:34:24 GMT -8
The ultimate unavailable person—-dead! However David Cassidy was very famous so his photos are all over the internet, YouTube, and Facebook. I have found myself obsessed with looking at the pictures and listening to his music on YouTube. I have been given a No contact rule by my counselor to help the obsession it worked for about 2 weeks. I felt like an alcoholic without a fix! (Haha of her daily fix of an alcoholic how’s that!)! The only way to do this is to delete YouTube and Pinterest permanently from my phone and iPad and remove all photos of him from my phone (I put some back). Does this have to be forever? I don’t know if I can do this?
I’m so sorry you guys must think I’m crazy. I was 8 when this started and his death didn’t make it easy for me. I was ok most of the time, not obsessing if I just knew he was alive, my inner child believed that one day he would come home to me. Now I know it sounds insane.
Writing this actually helps actually. Maybe right now I can do it focus on “one day at a time “ as inAA. That might be a place to begin.
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Post by ybrrbvjynfyf789 on Dec 20, 2018 6:56:15 GMT -8
The ultimate unavailable person—-dead! However David Cassidy was very famous so his photos are all over the internet, YouTube, and Facebook. I have found myself obsessed with looking at the pictures and listening to his music on YouTube. I have been given a No contact rule by my counselor to help the obsession it worked for about 2 weeks. I felt like an alcoholic without a fix! (Haha of her daily fix of an alcoholic how’s that!)! The only way to do this is to delete YouTube and Pinterest permanently from my phone and iPad and remove all photos of him from my phone (I put some back). Does this have to be forever? I don’t know if I can do this? I’m so sorry you guys must think I’m crazy. I was 8 when this started and his death didn’t make it easy for me. I was ok most of the time, not obsessing if I just knew he was alive, my inner child believed that one day he would come home to me. Now I know it sounds insane. Writing this actually helps actually. Maybe right now I can do it focus on “one day at a time “ as inAA. That might be a place to begin. Only new love can save from love. I love this feeling when you meet a new person and with him you forget everything. Forget the past, forgive everyone, do not hold insults and toxic. You update and start living in a new way!Even two months ago I decided to register on a dating site. I suddenly imagined that you never know where your future love lives, all of a sudden I’m trying to find him on my street? Suddenly for this need to look even further?The site that I chose here meetville.com .Why it? I saw him first and he did not look gone. And I fell in love! Like the first time. And yes, I was partly right. He is from another state. I have no idea what to expect and how everything will be, I just wanted to share it with someone))) So that you keep that mood up.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 20, 2018 12:08:47 GMT -8
This is romantic love you are describing. This is what we get addicted to if we fall for unavailable person. The rejection is what triggers the addiction.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 22, 2018 2:57:54 GMT -8
This is romantic love you are describing. This is what we get addicted to if we fall for unavailable person. The rejection is what triggers the addiction. My latest one is someone I interact with daily, yet I always knew he was married and kept it professional.. When we discovered we are both going through divorces and there is mutual attraction, at first we were talking nonstop, but his wife left him for another man, so he's hurt and emotionally unavailable. After our 2nd date he started to retreat, which is when I panicked and tried to keep that new love feeling alive by texting him often. Previous women have tried to get close to him and he breaks it off. He has told me to keep searching for someone else. I am trying to get him into therapy. I know that I can't "save" him and I can't heal him. He has to do it himself. But the rejection after the initial "I can't, it hurts too much and I fear getting hurt by another woman again" is so frustrating to me. Why does he think I'll be like his wife? He still plans for events for us in the future after the holidays as he wants a friends with benefits type, but they aren't soon enough. I feel like this is driving me crazy and I'm working with my therapist. Yes, the rejection triggers it, although I felt on a high when he was constantly texting me, too. I told him I was used to younger men who text all of the time, and he said "I'm too old, I can't keep up with the young bucks", knowing my past 13 years has been friends with benefits with younger men. I know, and my therapist has recommended that I date men my age vs. 20 years younger, because there's no future with younger men. I finally listened to her and went with that strategy after 1 year of being celibate and having no contact with men. But many men my age are unavailable: either due to cheating ex-wives, or they want to be playboys after getting divorced. It's very frustrating as I haven't been in a true relationship in 13 years. At least I have progressed to even consider men my age. Like you said Susan, I hope and pray this will fizzle out and I have to be strong not to text so much because I'm lonely. My therapist said that this man opens up to me like a therapist to talk about his estranged wife and the hurt involved.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 26, 2018 18:08:23 GMT -8
Is it possible that he was unavailable with his wife and this is why she is divorcing him. Find out more about why they're divorcing. Don't chase after this guy for too long. There's too many wonderful available men out there.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 26, 2018 21:47:29 GMT -8
Is it possible that he was unavailable with his wife and this is why she is divorcing him. Find out more about why they're divorcing. Don't chase after this guy for too long. There's too many wonderful available men out there. Thank you. Well, it's a moot point now as our work forbids us from fraternizing. I just wish he would have told me this rule weeks ago. I think he just liked the attention I gave him. Yes, apparently its' all her fault as to why she is divorcing him, so I won't hear her side of the story unless I ask her. He could have very well have been emotionally unavailable to her. It's frustrating because I feel that it's hard to go out there and date. Online is horrible as many men are just after sex on there, and lie or have secret wives or girlfriends. To me that is more abusive than anything. I just feel after years of having no love it would be nice to find it somewhere. I just can't rush it because it's been so many years. I hope you had a Happy Holiday!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 4, 2019 14:09:14 GMT -8
Is it possible that he was unavailable with his wife and this is why she is divorcing him. Find out more about why they're divorcing. Don't chase after this guy for too long. There's too many wonderful available men out there. Thank you. Well, it's a moot point now as our work forbids us from fraternizing. I just wish he would have told me this rule weeks ago. I think he just liked the attention I gave him. Yes, apparently its' all her fault as to why she is divorcing him, so I won't hear her side of the story unless I ask her. He could have very well have been emotionally unavailable to her. It's frustrating because I feel that it's hard to go out there and date. Online is horrible as many men are just after sex on there, and lie or have secret wives or girlfriends. To me that is more abusive than anything. I just feel after years of having no love it would be nice to find it somewhere. I just can't rush it because it's been so many years. I hope you had a Happy Holiday! Good men tend to marry early and remain faithful for a life time. If a guy has a long stream of ex's there is usually an avoidant problem. Our generation is getting the left overs. I was 56 when I found love for the first time with a loving person. After she died I met Frank and we have together for 10 years. I must admit I had to surrender the demands I was making on God. I made romantic love a "want" not a "need." Let God help you with this. Check out "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills.
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Post by Loveanimals on Jan 9, 2019 2:11:01 GMT -8
Thank you. Well, it's a moot point now as our work forbids us from fraternizing. I just wish he would have told me this rule weeks ago. I think he just liked the attention I gave him. Yes, apparently its' all her fault as to why she is divorcing him, so I won't hear her side of the story unless I ask her. He could have very well have been emotionally unavailable to her. It's frustrating because I feel that it's hard to go out there and date. Online is horrible as many men are just after sex on there, and lie or have secret wives or girlfriends. To me that is more abusive than anything. I just feel after years of having no love it would be nice to find it somewhere. I just can't rush it because it's been so many years. I hope you had a Happy Holiday! Good men tend to marry early and remain faithful for a life time. If a guy has a long stream of ex's there is usually an avoidant problem. Our generation is getting the left overs. I was 56 when I found love for the first time with a loving person. After she died I met Frank and we have together for 10 years. I must admit I had to surrender the demands I was making on God. I made romantic love a "want" not a "need." Let God help you with this. Check out "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills. Hi Susan, thank you for the insight. Over 40 dating is very difficult. You're right about the good men stay faithful and married, as I know these men from my social circle. Many who are single in my age group are quite jaded. That was why I dated younger men for so long. Yet that caused emotion dysregulation as I would want a relationship with the guy if he had a good job. The sex made me attached to them, and I obsessed about them and drove them away. That resulted in terrible depression. At least I started trying men my age over the past year. I told my therapist that was a big step, and she agreed. That is a good point about a "want" and not a "need". As a need I feel that I come across as desperate. I've had men my age say "hurry up and find someone before you lose your looks", so that made me feel rushed. I really am not ready for a serious relationship right now to be honest. I have to finalize the divorce and go along with the grief that comes with that. I will take a look at that book, thank you.
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 12, 2019 17:17:20 GMT -8
It is generally true that good men (decent and moral compass intact) "marry early and remain faithful for a lifetime."
I know because I married a good man and came THIS CLOSE to leaving him for a fellow sex/love addict (also addicted to pornography and gambling).
Through intensive therapy with two professionals (Rogerian based therapist and a psychiatrist) and the grace of God, I remained with my husband who is truly one of the 'good ones' (loving, caring, faithful, fiscally responsible, great dad to our kids, beloved by family and friends). To think that I almost walked away from him speaks to the power of this addiction. It led me to the brink of self-destruction. Don't underestimate the power of any addiction. I thank God every day that , through intense recovery, I came to my senses before I lost everything...
One day at a time.
HaveFaith
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Post by Loveanimals on Jan 24, 2019 1:33:44 GMT -8
I'm glad that you've kept up the recovery, havefaith. This brings me hope and happiness for you.
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 25, 2019 9:15:13 GMT -8
Thank you loveanimals! I continue with therapy once a month (I have seen my therapist since September 2010). I take it one day at a time, with a vow to 'do the right thing' for that day. I have also set strict boundaries -- allowing 'healthy' into my life and keeping 'unhealthy' out.
And it all comes down to a spiritual solution... Following HP's plan -- seeking out the Greater Good -- doing what is good and true and edifying to the heart, mind and soul.
Wishing you well, loveanimals
HaveFatih
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 25, 2019 14:40:22 GMT -8
And it all comes down to a spiritual solution... Following HP's plan -- seeking out the Greater Good -- doing what is good and true and edifying to the heart, mind and soul.
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