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Post by mlchris on Jan 16, 2013 10:19:58 GMT -8
These past few days I have experienced the worst nightmare of my life. After dealing with my boyfriend's diagnosis of lupus and illness for for the last 6 months and him being hospitalized with pneumonia, I have just learned that he is now in a coma and dying of AIDS. It is my worst nightmare, I can't even explain. They found it after hospitalizing him for the pneumonia and running more tests for the lupus. I have gotten tested and luckily the results were negative. My boyfriend is not so lucky though. And what is making it worse is that his family is demanding privacy and won't even let me see him. I am heartbroken, crushed, trying to deal with the fact that I may never see or talk to him again. I can't even begin to describe the pain Im feeling. I miss him so much already, it feels so lonely without him here, not receiving his good morning texts, not being able to pick up the phone and talk to him. He has been my support, my best friend and now I don't have him. I can't stand being without him. I just want to crawl into a hole and die with him.
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Post by mlchris on Jan 16, 2013 14:29:23 GMT -8
I just got word that he passed away this afternoon. I am crumbling inside. I cant believe I will never see him again. I loved him.
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 16, 2013 15:16:25 GMT -8
mlchris,
I dont know what to say to make you feel better right now, but I am so sorry for your loss.
Please reach out to healthy friends at this time to give you the comfort that you need. And if you dont have anyone local, call your local grief counselors.
You can also reach out to the Aids Hotline, and they will have plenty of resources to help you through this.
I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs to you.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jan 16, 2013 16:15:30 GMT -8
mlchris I am so so sorry for your loss. Please keep reaching out, we are all here for you. hugs to you Sun
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 16, 2013 17:46:18 GMT -8
mlchris, I am so very sorry. This is heartbreaking -- please, don't grieve alone. Like LML said, reach out to healthy friends. Consider counseling/therapy to get you through this. You don't have to go through this pain alone.
HaveFaith
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jan 17, 2013 4:15:59 GMT -8
Take care of yourself Mlchris. You will come through this. Let yourself grieve and then hang on to your own life, you are worth living for.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 17, 2013 4:47:27 GMT -8
Death of a loved one is one of the most painful and hardest events to bear. Unfortunately, it is not in our hands. Pls turn to your family or close friends for support.
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Post by mlchris on Jan 17, 2013 13:04:38 GMT -8
Thank you all for your kind words. Being without him and knowing he is not coming back has made me realize exactly how dependent I was on him. I depended on him to get me through each day. I know part of this is my grieving but part of it isnt. I don't feel like I can survive without him. I hate this.
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Post by brainhealth on Jan 17, 2013 14:34:59 GMT -8
ML,
A couple of things.
1) Really sorry for your loss 2) You can survive without him. We are born to survive on our own after rearing 3) Think of the time long before you met him - what was it that gave you meaning in your life? Can you reinstitute this in your life? 4) DO talk with a counsellor about your loss. Grieving is a natural process. We all need help with this.
Brainhealth
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Post by mlchris on Jan 17, 2013 15:27:10 GMT -8
The only thing that gave meaning to my life before him was the hope of finding true love and happiness.... I found that in him and now he's gone. I know this is not healthy but its the truth and I cant stand the agonizing reality of it.
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Post by requin on Jan 18, 2013 7:29:09 GMT -8
The only thing that gave meaning to my life before him was the hope of finding true love and happiness.... I found that in him and now he's gone. I know this is not healthy but its the truth and I cant stand the agonizing reality of it. I know how you feel. I have felt (and still do often) feel the same way. Please go back to the board on "Are you a love addict" and read the 40 questions. More than one of the questions is along the lines of, "Is the only thing that matters in your life, love and/or finding love?" The point is, this is the addiction talking. Plenty of people in the world live happy fulfilled lives w/out love (or certainly w/out romantic love, i.e., a partner). This is what I try to remind myself all the time, because I feel like you do..w/out love what is there. Addicts think that way...doesn't make it any less painful, but it means it's not necessarily true, and we can get past that way of thinking.
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Post by brainhealth on Jan 18, 2013 10:11:37 GMT -8
ML,
I fully aree with requin. Besides,you are fully human,fully alive and I have no doubt, full of endless possibilities. Suggest you go back to the question I asked you. Your response was every little girls dream (sorry, I´m not patronising here). Your answer suggests you are stuck in a childhood dream, (most of us here on this board to a greater or lesser degree are too -the boys as well as the girls!) . That´s the reason I sent you to investigate the inner child section. There must be something else that gave you meaning in your life other than the love dream. Try hard to think about this. Also, take note of your dreams right now. Have a hardback notebook and pen ready by your bedside. When you wake froma dream, discipline yourself to write everything down. Our dreams lead us out of sickness and emotional trauma. I´m sure your conunseller has mentioned this already.
ML, you have far to much togive to the universe. Take ownership and remember what gives you meaning in life. There has to be something else. Everyone has it, but, ywe all need to recegnise it and I do appreciate sometimes it´s hard to recegnise something, especially when it´s right in front of you and we sometimes can´t see the wood from the trees.
Brainhealth
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jan 18, 2013 14:16:32 GMT -8
From what you've said mlchris, you are aware that this is unhealthy thinking, the addiction, as Requin points out. I certainly had the same thought when I read what you said. I also thought- "he was your one true love and happiness- is that true?" I am not trying to disrespect him, but was he really so perfect? What if you thought about the things in your relationship that were very much less than perfect? For example, if he ever was avoidant, or into an addiction of his own, or made you feel silly for saying something, etc etc etc? Wasn't this man who you loved actually a human with lots of failings and weaknesses like the rest of us?
My point is not to try and bring him down. I'm interested in your peace of mind- which will be forever absent while you think about him as the best thing in your life that is now impossible to have again. Because in my experience that is not true. I haven't had someone die, but I lost a husband in the most painful way I can imagine, and I often had the thought over the next few years that it would have been way less painful if he had just died. What made it so painful for me was the fact that he was still walking around happily enjoying his new life while I was in, what felt like, perpetual agony over the losses I faced. It hurt for a long time but in the end I could move on, and I get a little closer to forgiving him (and myself) as I work the 12 steps.
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Post by mlchris on Jan 18, 2013 16:35:35 GMT -8
No he was by no means perfect, as none of us are. But he accepted me as I was and loved me unconditionally, which is something I had never had before. Yes, he was a bit of an avoidant, but that was starting to change. We had a connection that not many have....we were best friends. It will be so hard to let him go but once I do I know I will be a stronger person.
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