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Loveanimals
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John 10:10 and The Serenity Prayer

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Rejected by Healthy Man, In Deep Pain Feb 18, 2013 10:40:07 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by Loveanimals on Feb 18, 2013 10:40:07 GMT -8

I feel like now that I'm a few months into recovery, I am craving a healthy man in my life now more than anything. I've read so much about the narcissists and the dysfunctional men, and vow I'm better alone than with them. Yet I've also met some "healthier" men who seem to friend zone me, which is frustrating.

One I asked to help me move furniture as I'm separating from husband and moving out, he said last night that he doesn't trust himself alone with me, I said why? He said "sex" could happen. He's considerably younger than me, a great friend and lifting partner yet he said the age difference bothers him, that I had said before he could see younger girls when he sees me yet he said he'd feel guilty doing that to me (and honestly I'm sure I'd feel jealous, I just don't think I can ask for a relationship until I'm on my feet, and try to figure out what to do with my extremely high sex drive until then).,

I was hoping to find a nice guy for long term fwb as I have deleted ex-POAs from my life, but they worry about hurting me (unhealthy guys don't care).

Yet he said it's a "bad idea", that things would be awkward with me at the gym if we slept together and the age difference makes him nervous that I'm more experienced than he is. Yet he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met and I crave someone healthy now. I met him in person, not online, know his family and friends and consider him trustworthy. Every other man the past seven years of living celibate marriage the guys have been sketchy and mostly from online.

I'm sure I'm stressed about husband and the cost of moving out, divorce etc. so instead I obsess about trying to get this healthy guy in my life as a sex partner……I tell myself no more unhealthy men but is this common early in recovery???

Or am I using him as a distraction from the real issue of divorce?

Havefaith
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Rejected by Healthy Man, In Deep Pain Feb 18, 2013 12:20:02 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by Havefaith on Feb 18, 2013 12:20:02 GMT -8

loveanimals, when I see anybody use the word 'crave' ("I am craving a healthy man..."), I do see that as a red flag. As for me, when I crave, it is usually not in regards to a healthy need or want. If I am craving, I am usually seeking to use the object of my desire (craving) to cover up/mask/obliterate pain in some other area of my life.

HaveFaith

Last Edit: Feb 18, 2013 12:21:19 GMT -8 by Havefaith

Jacarandagirl
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Rejected by Healthy Man, In Deep Pain Feb 18, 2013 13:00:31 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by Jacarandagirl on Feb 18, 2013 13:00:31 GMT -8

Hi Love,
I was grappling with this issue this last month. Was it OK to be meeting men and obsessing about them? Even if the obsession was relatively small, ie. not like it was with my PoA. I genuinely couldn't work it out. I knew I wanted to find a boyfriend, and it seemed like that was what I should do then. Guess what? Total distraction.

I woke up and thought about them, I got home and thought about them. I thought about them at work, and whenever I was alone. I also thought about my last guy from last year and my PoA. I am a love addict. I obsess about men. I could also be a SLAA, and my mind tries to make it OK for me to keep looking for a man, being on a dating site. It's rubbish, what my mind comes up with. I know there is some part of it that is "normal" I guess, wanting a partner, but with me it's an all day obsession. Other people can wait until it happens, while living vibrant and happy lives, ie. happy alone. Let me repeat that. Happy alone.

There is a huge difference between tolerating being alone and happy being alone. I have little glimpses of the latter. But what I realised is that the dating thing is a huge distraction for me, whether the guys are healthy or not. Who the heck knows if they're healthy after one or two dates anyway? I'm not healthy yet! And I'm not trying to put myself down- I just am not healthy yet. And the whole idea of the hurried goal of "eventual health" may just be another furphy, that is, an untrue concept. I think recovery will go on in my life for a long time. Perhaps for the rest of it.

The point I am trying to make is this- if we try to recover so that we can go on with our whole gig of trying to find a man, only now a "healthy" man, we are as deluded as we ever were, only now we are deluding ourselves while thinking we are getting better, as opposed to deluding ourselves while acting out. Our bad habits are much smarter than that. They are in us for a reason. We protect ourselves with them, unconsciously. Working the steps and being in a support group is the best way I know of trying to change my tendencies. And this forum is a great way to support and encourage that change.

Good luck and keep posting! Good luck with moving out. Well done for taking the step of really separating.

"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com

estrella
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Rejected by Healthy Man, In Deep Pain Feb 18, 2013 14:18:23 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by estrella on Feb 18, 2013 14:18:23 GMT -8

Love and Jacardagirl, this is a very interesting topic and I think relevant to many of us - what is after you freed yourself from your current POA? To me Love addiction is like a food addiction, it is not like you can live completely outside of all relationships, but as soon as we stat one we start obsessing, at least I do. I used to obsess about food, first about eating then about not eating, it is the same with POAs; or I am obsessing about being with them or about not being with them. I like to use the food analogy, it took me many years on WW and now food is just food. This is what they thought me: you can't obsess about it, you have accept that food is part of your life, do not fight it, follow the program and get support and if you fail it is not all or nothing, pick it up again. Now I no longer struggle with weight, because food is just food, I can have it. I can sit next to a pie and not obsess should I eat small piece, should I not touch it? should I gorge just today for the last time, I do not need to hide from the pie

I try to apply the same principle to relationships. I completely failed with my last POA, just lost it! Right now I want to have completely NC to pull myself together but later if he chooses to contact me, I do not want to hide from him like from a piece of pie but to face him and say this is what I want and do not want in my life, it is I who is choosing "to have this piece of pie or not", "to have this piece of man or not"

. And what you are offering me I choose not to have because this is not what I want. That is power - to have a choice to decide what to have and what not to have in one's live. This is what I pray to a Higher Power to grant me - A CHOICE. If I choose to hide it is just another obsession, like going from overeating to anorexia, from being obsessed with men to having no relationships. It would be a good to start a discussion on this topic what are the steps or key behavior principles for getting out there again.

Estrella

Loveanimals
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John 10:10 and The Serenity Prayer

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Rejected by Healthy Man, In Deep Pain Feb 18, 2013 19:01:32 GMT -8

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Post by Loveanimals on Feb 18, 2013 19:01:32 GMT -8

Thanks everyone.

havefaith: agreed, I crave sweets too and tend to overeat them!

Jacarandagirl: that is true, it's easy to obsess about a healthy man, after doing inventory and seeing the dysfunctional ones from the past, there's a part of me that really wants to meet a healthy person NOW! yet that's part of the addiction. Anything to avoid the reality of my every day life. And a healthy man isn't going to be attracted to me until I'm further along in recovery. I have to be OK with being alone and not needing a man or attention from them with multiple texts.

estrelladelnorte: I agree, as one who has battled an eating disorder for twenty two years with hospitalizations and many ED therapists and nutritionists, I can't relate to obsessing about food. I've gone from overeating to anorexia. all of this is to avoid the painful realization of a relationship that is not working and how frustrated I am and don't want to move on.