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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 12, 2013 10:59:19 GMT -8
Symptoms of Love AddictionSusan Peabody Low Self-esteem (shame, alienation) Love at First Sight Abnormal fear of abandonment, rejection, loneliness, and deprivation. Abnormal attachment hunger left over from childhood (Halpern) Excessive Fantasizing The Need to Create Drama and Excitement Exaggerated Fears in Relationships The need for the relationship to go quickly. Abnormal Jealousy Dysfunctional Emotions Weak Personality Boundaries High Level of Tolerance For Suffering In Relationships Accepting Dishonesty Being Ruled by Your Libido Confusing Need With Want The Compelling Need to Control
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Post by sweetyme on Jun 1, 2015 22:40:57 GMT -8
Low Self-esteem (shame, alienation): I never thought having low self esteem, at least time I am on my own but I realised when I am in a relationship if the other puts me down, I take it as truth and start to feel worthless
Love at First Sight: yes, big time. I work with love at first sight and nothing stops me when it happens.
Abnormal fear of abandonment, rejection, loneliness, and deprivation: abandonment and rejection, scares me a lot. Loneliness a bit less, I am used to it.
Excessive Fantasizing: that one too and I really don't like that part. Just crossing a man in the street that physically could attract me, I am already asking myself if he is the one. A simple act of friendship from a man, I can already see me in a relationship with me. It is hard to control. I still believe in prince charming that will come to save me on his white horse.
The Need to Create Drama and Excitement: well, I do work best under stress. I used to like the drama, I was also able to cause it just to have it. But not anymore, now I want peace. This is the reason why I finished my last relationship (sick one anyway). When he asked me why, my only answer was 'Peace, I want peace.'
The need for the relationship to go quickly: yes, I have no patience and no brake. If it doesn't go fast, I take it as a sign that the other one is not interested in me. I want everything, right now. No limits.
Abnormal Jealousy: that is a strange one for me. In my relationship with alcoholics (I grew up with one, married one and had a relationship with another one), I wasn't jealous. In any other type of relationship (sane and unsane), I became excessively jealous, it is like I was losing my stability and could not understand the other person.
Dysfunctional Emotions: I am not sure what it means. The worst problem with emotions that I have is not being able to express them and going easily in isolation mode.
Weak Personality Boundaries: Surely. I still have to set my bounderies. I think I know them (have to think about it) but it is hard to make respect them... mainly at the start fo a new relation. Pushed to the limit, I start applying them but it takes a long time. In that case, the other one, doesn't understand what's going on with me as one day I accept everything, the next day not. It also means that the other ones take advantage fo the situation.
High Level of Tolerance For Suffering In Relationships: I do. Mental and physical.
Accepting Dishonesty: Yes, I am accepting dishonesty... in name of love. Very noble from me! Burk!
Being Ruled by Your Libido: I used to. I have a high libido. My main problem was sex=love.
Confusing Need With Want: I will have to think about that one. I am not sure I know the difference between the two.
The Compelling Need to Control: I am not sure of that one.
Extra ones for me:
- the desire to be saved unconditionally
- thrusting everyone immediatly
- being innocent and thinking that everyone is good
- making excuse to justify the comportment of others
- taking the blame for eveything that happens
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Post by loveellen on Jun 29, 2015 5:13:13 GMT -8
YES, I AM  |
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dreamharder
New Member
New to this... looking to support and be supported
Posts: 7 
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Post by dreamharder on Jan 10, 2017 17:17:47 GMT -8
Hi There, I'm new to this forum but looking forward to shareing my experience as I work towards recovery from love addiction.
Brief history: Adopted from birth, limited and un-atuned relationship with both adopting parents. For the most part parented myself from a fairly early age (7 or so)
Deeply effected by teenage relationships and romance. Seemed to be hurt much deeper and for longer after break ups. Obsessive attachment to girlfriends, I was often over clingy. After being betrayed and badly hurt at 19, learnt to only partially invest, maintain control and keep my exits open.
Partnered/Married with children from 23 to 39. Occasional brief affairs or infidelities - romantic rather than sexually motivated. Sex was still involved in some cases though. later on, Long periods of depression. Marriage finally broke down 2003.
since then I have been in one relationship after another with hardly more than a few weeks in-between. 3 substantial relationships all lasting around 2.5 years.
Each time I acted out with sabotaging behaviour. Infidelities, fantasies, pushing casual attachments outside of the relationship, mostly with women who were never real potential partners or a threat to the relationship. Sometimes I looked to men for attention too. It was like I was insatiable for reassurance and adoration how ever inappropriate.
My last relationship was a wonderful one which I valued hugely and felt very much in love in and committed to but still I began to look outside for inappropiate attention. The last straw was when it was discovered i had a tinder account. It ended that day despite my wanting to work through things. Tinder was not used to find sex it was just a compelling need for attention spiced with romantic trill seeking.
This was the point where my heart was truly broken for the first time since I was 19 because despite my infidelity I was actually fully invested.
Since then have been through the most despairing emotional hell. I have weathered 12 months of constant suicidal thoughts. Fending them off many times every hour. I have cried and sobbed several times every single day. I have felt completely worthless and without any future. I have survived and for the most part remained functional. My grown children and my ongoing responsibility to parent them and not burden them with my untimely and selfish death was the thing that kept me alive the most. I also reached out to friends, family and a therapist who all contributed.
Still, 18 after the break up. I was no further on. If anything the pain felt like it was increasing. This was the point where I went to my first LSAA meeting. Since then I have begun to see a chink of hope and things have turned around. I'm currently traveling with work so thought I would post here while I can't go to actual meetings.
Thanks for taking the time to read a bit of my story. I will write more soon.
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Post by mima on Jan 10, 2017 21:41:50 GMT -8
you are amazingly strong. so glad you are hear with us. welcome
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Post by mima on Jan 10, 2017 21:42:04 GMT -8
you are amazingly strong. so glad you are here with us. welcome
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Post by butterfly68 on Mar 31, 2017 21:46:54 GMT -8
HI i am new to this forum, but yes i have all the sign of love addiction, but never knew what it was...It comes from years of abuse as a child and not feeling loved and know a longing to be loved .. But i loved the wrong men for the whole of my life. It is now time to STOP and take control of my life.. THank you all for been here.Butterly68
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 1, 2017 10:54:39 GMT -8
Brighter Tomorrow
Welcome
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Post by myspeaceful on Apr 1, 2017 11:53:05 GMT -8
Hello All,
I am New to this site but not Love Addiction. Thanks to reading Pia Melody's work I left a relationship after 23 years (16 of marriage and 2 kids). I experienced ALL of the signs mentioned above. I thought since I got out of the marriage and peeled myself away from my ex-husband which took an additional 5 years after the divorce and living together trying to work it out through his serial affairs, substance abuse and living off me, I was finally in total remission. WRONG. It has been 18 months since I moved out and moved into "total" remission. I actually dated someone briefly and I wasn't addicted. I saw his love addiction traits, had good boundaries when he tried to manipulate me into doing what he wanted and pulled away. I dated him even though I knew I wasn't ready just in case he was the last man out there that I was somewhat attracted to. As I flirt with the idea of dating again I realize that I need to complete the 12-steps and work on the following before I do.
Love at First Sight: Maybe not first sight but first conversation. As soon as I hear a few things that spark my interest I go right into wondering if he is interested and how I can find out so we can go on a date.
Excessive Fantasizing: I am hoping that he is not married or in a serious relationship, fantasize about the possibilities if he's not and start trying to figure out how I'm going to let my interest be known. Fearing rejection and humiliation and wondering if I am good enough/worthy of his attention and pursuit or if he just wants to use me for sex and I don't even know if he is in a relationship or interested in me.
The need for the relationship to go quickly: I absolutely see myself moving from the first meeting to jumping into an exclusive dating relationship, talking on the phone regularly and hanging out several times a week. All of this is going on in the fantasy world in my head while I am energized with euphoric excitement.
Abnormal Jealousy: Not too sure about this one but I feel a little jealous if I see pictures of them with a woman or learn they have a significant woman in their lives. It quickly fades almost instantaneously because I was the product of an affair and I can't stand the thought of being the other woman or competing for a man's attention in a relationship. No! I want him all to myself.
Dysfunctional Emotions: I believe this is referring to feeling angry or some other emotion without cause consistent with the type of relationship one has with another (object of addictive thoughts). I experience excitement when I meet some men in a casual situation and try to read between the lines that don't even exist.
Weak Personality Boundaries: I find myself tolerating sexual talk that I am not comfortable with because I don't think I know what normal is in the dating world these days and I don't want to be perceived as "weird" or "too square" or closed off so I don't say anything but I think about it repeatedly afterwards.
High Level of Tolerance For Suffering In Relationships: I have in my past relationships and fear that I may fall back into this in the future if I really like someone which for me means that I'm addicted. when I don't "really like someone" I can easily say bye the first moment that suffering might ensue.
Accepting Dishonesty: Not from other's anymore but I have to watch myself. If I am dishonest I may attract a dishonest person.
Being Ruled by Your Libido: I play this out in my fantasies. I found myself having a full-on sexual encounter with a man I just met in my fantasy later that night which I think can be just as dangerous because it's not reality.
I really like some of these extra's posted by the first member so I'm borrowing the ones that apply to me
- the desire to be saved unconditionally- I think finally, a good man has come to my attention maybe he will be my prince charming.
- being innocent and thinking that everyone is good and then quickly catching myself falling fast into this fantasy and then becoming very fearful in an almost paranoid kind of way.
It feels so amazing to have a forum to get honest with myself in front of others who get it and are in the same strugle. As I typed these out I didn't realize how much I still struggle with these symptoms. I'm excited about starting my 12-steps and curious as to where I might find a sponsor.
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Post by butterfly68 on Apr 1, 2017 21:27:18 GMT -8
Welcome hope we can all support each other...Butterly68
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Post by notcrazydave on Apr 26, 2017 4:56:52 GMT -8
My symptoms
Low Self-esteem (shame, alienation)
- sometimes
Love at First Sight
- not quite, but can easily fall in love
Abnormal fear of abandonment, rejection, loneliness, and deprivation.
- Used to be worse. But with LO - yes
Abnormal attachment hunger left over from childhood (Halpern)
- YES!!!
Excessive Fantasizing
- YES!!!
The Need to Create Drama and Excitement
- I seem to only feel alive when I create chaos
Exaggerated Fears in Relationships
- not as much
The need for the relationship to go quickly.
- NO
Abnormal Jealousy
- yes with LO
Dysfunctional Emotions
- yes
Weak Personality Boundaries
- Not sure
High Level of Tolerance For Suffering In Relationships
- Another big yes
Accepting Dishonesty
- At first yes, but it started to drive me nuts
Being Ruled by Your Libido
- Yes
Confusing Need With Want
- Definitely. Not even sure what I really want.
The Compelling Need to Control - Yes
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Post by healingrae on Jan 17, 2018 22:21:44 GMT -8
Low Self-esteem (shame, alienation) - yes, when the relationship is over.
Love at First Sight - usually the opposite; i don't really like them but stick around to see who they are then end up falling.
Abnormal fear of abandonment, rejection, loneliness, and deprivation - yes, it all!
Abnormal attachment hunger left over from childhood (Halpern) - feeling the attachment hunger at the end of a relationship.
Excessive Fantasizing - yes.
The Need to Create Drama and Excitement - no, little drama as possible.
Exaggerated Fears in Relationships - no.
The need for the relationship to go quickly. - no.
Abnormal Jealousy - no.
Dysfunctional Emotions - yes.
Weak Personality Boundaries - yes
High Level of Tolerance For Suffering In Relationships - yes.
Accepting Dishonesty - especially yes.
Being Ruled by Your Libido - sometimes
Confusing Need With Want - yes.
The Compelling Need to Control - YES.
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Post by javery8 on Jul 10, 2018 2:23:33 GMT -8
Nice thread so far. Thanks a lot for let us know.
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jaylyn
New Member
Hi All!
Posts: 10
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Post by jaylyn on Nov 12, 2018 16:17:19 GMT -8
Years ago I read "Facing Love Addiction." I saw myself, and although I did some work, today I find myself back to unhealthy behaviors.. Love at first sight, and creating drama. Those two symptoms stand out the most, but if I am honest- I am guilty of all the list varied in degrees of their intensity. I do obsess, I do fantasize, and the relationship that got me to this post- I really did everything better, taking it slow, letting him call me, giving him space- but I still created drama. This last time, I didn't call him back when he called- I said only if he called again, which he did and I fell for it...again. 3 strikes and Im OUT. I have blocked him from my phone and one of my social media pages so I don't know if he doesn't call, and he doesn't get to see what I am doing.
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Post by tilldigsweden on Feb 28, 2019 14:13:44 GMT -8
I am new to love addiction - meaning I just figured out I'm a love addict, and really learning a lot about it right now. I wish I could find a sponsor for LAA. For now, I'll try answering these questions honestly:
Low Self-esteem (shame, alienation): sometimes I feel like I have high self-esteem, but then an event or a rejection from a person will trigger it being low. There were really low points where I would just stay home in bed, all sad and pitiful, thinking no one liked me. I knew this was all in my head too, is the funny thing.
Love at First Sight: Actually, this isn't a common thing with me. I'm the type where I'm usually reserved for awhile, but as soon as I let my guard down all bets are off and the obsessive behaviors and other love addiction problems come out.
Abnormal fear of abandonment, rejection, loneliness, and deprivation: yes, yes and yes. On the one hand, if I am already on my own for awhile, I'm not so afraid of it. Once I become attached to someone else, I am really paranoid and heartbroken if they do actually reject me. It feels excruciating. I always thought I was "strong" for surviving it, but really I see that it shouldn't have been that painful to begin with and I was just suffering over and over again.
Abnormal attachment hunger left over from childhood (Halpern): yeah, I can see that with my Dad. And then I date men now seeking the same approval. I've been so blind to all of this.
Excessive Fantasizing: this is a BIG symptom for me! I get down right obsessive. Constantly circling around in my mind, it takes over my brain power to focus on other things like myself and my work. This is a big one for me.
The Need to Create Drama and Excitement: not really... I never much liked the drama. but I will admit that when I'm upset with a partner I'm comfortable with, I can be a little dramatic and feed off the bad behavior when I'm really going off the deep end.
Exaggerated Fears in Relationships: yes, especially in my most recent (past) relationship. Literally fearing everything, that he was/is talking to other women, that he is was changing his mind about us, even the tiniest of things. It got bad. It wasn't always like this with all of my partners, but can become that way with certain people that I really, really lie.
The need for the relationship to go quickly: actually, this is not really me. Not at first. Usually, I take it very slow... mostly because I know that I can get really hurt when I get attached. Whoever thought we could love openly and in a safe, slow paced way? Instead of all or nothing? Like there is some imaginary line that you cross where you go from sane to obsessive? It's like, I would go slow, slow... then suddenly cross a line and there I am.
Abnormal Jealousy: Not usually, except in my most recent relationship, where he was also excessively jealous. It brought out the jealousy in me.
Dysfunctional Emotions: Yes. I have had a lot of exes mention this, and I have noticed it. I always knew something was wrong, so did they. This one is undeniable.
Weak Personality Boundaries: Yes a million times over. I struggle with this so much. I saw someone write above that she would have weak boundaries in the beginning, then confuse people because she would suddenly set a new boundary when pushed to the limit. That sounds like awareness. And this is also what I have noticed in myself.
High Level of Tolerance For Suffering In Relationships: I was just talking to someone about this earlier today... I can put up with a helluva lot of crazy nuts. It's embarrassing really. I always wondered why I kept staying. Now I know.
Accepting Dishonesty: I have given way too many people way too many chances, and this also includes friends. I just give way too many chances, and I know better too. I guess I just don't want to lose these people.
Being Ruled by Your Libido: Not particularly, but the more comfortable I get with someone, the more sex I want with them over time, to feel closer to them. Sometimes I get emotional if rejected for some reason.
Confusing Need With Want: I don't even think I know the difference, so this is a big yes.
The Compelling Need to Control: I was way worse when younger, but yes it definitely still exists.
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RoseNadler
Administrator
Administrator
Posts: 1,111
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Post by RoseNadler on Apr 15, 2019 7:17:53 GMT -8
Low Self-esteem (shame, alienation) - very much so.
Love at First Sight - no
Abnormal fear of abandonment, rejection, loneliness, and deprivation. - Yes!
Abnormal attachment hunger left over from childhood (Halpern) - Yes!
Excessive Fantasizing - Not as bad as it used to be. It really took over my life when I was younger. But I have to be careful not to fall into that trap again. I know I’m not doing well when I silently evaluate every man I meet as a potential partner.
The Need to Create Drama and Excitement - Not as bad as it used to be. But when I’m with a healthy man, in a decent relationship, and things are going well, I have to be careful. I have free-floating anxiety, and it will easily attach itself to my love life and imagine a problem where none exists.
Exaggerated Fears in Relationships - Yes! I always think it’s going to be the end of the world if everything doesn’t go perfectly.
The need for the relationship to go quickly. - This is one way I can tell if it’s healthy or unhealthy. With a man who arouses my anxiety, I feel a need to pin him down and get a commitment *fast*. With a healthier situation, I’m not so anxious to pin him down.
Abnormal Jealousy - Rarely, but it has happened.
Dysfunctional Emotions - Less than when I was younger, but I still have to watch out.
Weak Personality Boundaries - Yes, I can be a people-pleaser. This goes with my low self-esteem; I think my real self isn’t good enough and I have to change to make people like me.
High Level of Tolerance For Suffering In Relationships - Yes. I’ve put up with unbelievable things and come back for more.
Accepting Dishonesty - Up to a point. My b.s. detector won’t stay quiet forever.
Being Ruled by Your Libido - More so when I was younger. I used to think sex was the. most. important. thing. ever. I’m hoping that menopause is helping with that problem. But I know that’s not a guarantee.
Confusing Need With Want - Yes.
The Compelling Need to Control - Yes. I’ve always had these little scripts in my head, of how situations are supposed to go between me and the other person. I get upset if the other person doesn’t follow my script. Totally irrational, since 1) they don’t even know about the script and 2) who am I to be dictating another person’s response to my situation? You would think I was a movie director, and the other person was an actor who didn’t learn their lines.
I don’t like surprises. At all. At work, and most other situations, I only really want to do things I’m already good at. Trying something new is a risk of doing badly and looking ridiculous. I’m trying to get better about this.
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Abi
New Member
Here to give and here to receive.
Posts: 47 
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Post by Abi on Apr 23, 2019 12:35:01 GMT -8
I am new to love addiction - meaning I just figured out I'm a love addict, and really learning a lot about it right now. I wish I could find a sponsor for LAA. For now, I'll try answering these questions honestly: Low Self-esteem (shame, alienation): sometimes I feel like I have high self-esteem, but then an event or a rejection from a person will trigger it being low. There were really low points where I would just stay home in bed, all sad and pitiful, thinking no one liked me. I knew this was all in my head too, is the funny thing. Love at First Sight: Actually, this isn't a common thing with me. I'm the type where I'm usually reserved for awhile, but as soon as I let my guard down all bets are off and the obsessive behaviors and other love addiction problems come out. Abnormal fear of abandonment, rejection, loneliness, and deprivation: yes, yes and yes. On the one hand, if I am already on my own for awhile, I'm not so afraid of it. Once I become attached to someone else, I am really paranoid and heartbroken if they do actually reject me. It feels excruciating. I always thought I was "strong" for surviving it, but really I see that it shouldn't have been that painful to begin with and I was just suffering over and over again. Abnormal attachment hunger left over from childhood (Halpern): yeah, I can see that with my Dad. And then I date men now seeking the same approval. I've been so blind to all of this. Excessive Fantasizing: this is a BIG symptom for me! I get down right obsessive. Constantly circling around in my mind, it takes over my brain power to focus on other things like myself and my work. This is a big one for me. The Need to Create Drama and Excitement: not really... I never much liked the drama. but I will admit that when I'm upset with a partner I'm comfortable with, I can be a little dramatic and feed off the bad behavior when I'm really going off the deep end. Exaggerated Fears in Relationships: yes, especially in my most recent (past) relationship. Literally fearing everything, that he was/is talking to other women, that he is was changing his mind about us, even the tiniest of things. It got bad. It wasn't always like this with all of my partners, but can become that way with certain people that I really, really lie. The need for the relationship to go quickly: actually, this is not really me. Not at first. Usually, I take it very slow... mostly because I know that I can get really hurt when I get attached. Whoever thought we could love openly and in a safe, slow paced way? Instead of all or nothing? Like there is some imaginary line that you cross where you go from sane to obsessive? It's like, I would go slow, slow... then suddenly cross a line and there I am. Abnormal Jealousy: Not usually, except in my most recent relationship, where he was also excessively jealous. It brought out the jealousy in me. Dysfunctional Emotions: Yes. I have had a lot of exes mention this, and I have noticed it. I always knew something was wrong, so did they. This one is undeniable. Weak Personality Boundaries: Yes a million times over. I struggle with this so much. I saw someone write above that she would have weak boundaries in the beginning, then confuse people because she would suddenly set a new boundary when pushed to the limit. That sounds like awareness. And this is also what I have noticed in myself. High Level of Tolerance For Suffering In Relationships: I was just talking to someone about this earlier today... I can put up with a helluva lot of crazy nuts. It's embarrassing really. I always wondered why I kept staying. Now I know. Accepting Dishonesty: I have given way too many people way too many chances, and this also includes friends. I just give way too many chances, and I know better too. I guess I just don't want to lose these people. Being Ruled by Your Libido: Not particularly, but the more comfortable I get with someone, the more sex I want with them over time, to feel closer to them. Sometimes I get emotional if rejected for some reason. Confusing Need With Want: I don't even think I know the difference, so this is a big yes. The Compelling Need to Control: I was way worse when younger, but yes it definitely still exists. Hello, You are not alone in this and I relate to everything you have said, I was a beautiful mess for a very long time and it's only after finding LAA did that mess slowly start to untangle and I now only have a nott or two every now and again but my mess has diminished for the most part. Find a meeting, keep using this forum, get in contact with some of us fellow love addicts and find a sponsor if you can. Welcome to LAA, Welcome home |
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Post by mollyguacamole on Nov 1, 2020 14:02:12 GMT -8
I think I have love addiction, but I think it`s not that bad. I like going out for different dates with people using some services for casual date. I think it`s a good way to build your confidence and meet many interesting people. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 1, 2020 16:40:39 GMT -8
I think I have love addiction, but I think it`s not that bad. I like going out for different dates with people using some services for casual date. I think it`s a good way to build your confidence and meet many interesting people. Each person but decide for themselves if they are a love addict. But if you ever want to settle down and be monogamous and find you can't stop dating multiple people then you might be a romance addict and we can help you. |
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terra
Full Member
Posts: 165
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Post by terra on Jan 25, 2021 10:01:10 GMT -8
A very much needed list: it must be taught in high school.
I used to fantasize when I was in middle school. And later too but clearly I have a very vivid recollection of my fantasies back then.
Now it is strictly forbidden. I am not allowing myself any fantasies once I came to realize that it is very damaging, gets completely out of the reality, disconnects you from "real you", messes up your expectations and allows you to build something completely non- existent.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 25, 2021 18:02:37 GMT -8
A very much needed list: it must be taught in high school. I used to fantasize when I was in middle school. And later too but clearly I have a very vivid recollection of my fantasies back then. Now it is strictly forbidden. I am not allowing myself any fantasies once I came to realize that it is very damaging, gets completely out of the reality, disconnects you from "real you", messes up your expectations and allows you to build something completely non- existent. Actually I did teach this in high school. My class notes are somewhere on the message board. I know they're on my website |
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Post by marvelous on Jun 7, 2021 9:45:05 GMT -8
Low Self-esteem (shame, alienation) - Shame: No. I'm enough. I'm beautiful. Alienation yes
Love at First Sight - I literally had an experience like The Alchemist book page 97. I no more believe in it.Abnormal fear of abandonment, rejection, loneliness, and deprivation - I had been highly deprived since childhood. Now I believe in HP. She always takes care of me. I'm always provided with what I need and want on time. She meets all my wants and needs.Abnormal attachment hunger left over from childhood (Halpern) - I want to hold hands And someone - human to hold my hand.
Excessive Fantasizing - YesThe Need to Create Drama and Excitement - NoExaggerated Fears in Relationships - No.The need for the relationship to go quickly. - No. There was a fantasy: One Fine Day! It's gone now with George clooney.Abnormal Jealousy - No. Dysfunctional Emotions - No. Weak Personality Boundaries - I'm work in progress. High Level of Tolerance For Suffering In Relationships - Not any more.Accepting Dishonesty - NO Being Ruled by Your Libido -  ?? Confusing Need With Want - No. The Compelling Need to Control - No |
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