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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2013 2:23:01 GMT -8
I also had a glimpse of an even younger J who was only about 3 or 4 who knew her body was bad. It had to be hidden,she never felt comfortable without knickers on in case she would touch herself in the bad place.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2013 11:08:48 GMT -8
Little J, I'm now experiencing the feelings from the age of 11 that never really left me, it was just covered over by fantasy men or depression. I never really faced it before, I will turn this horrid experience into something beautiful, life without fear.
I need to put up healthy boundaries, make healthy decisions that will enhance my wellbeing and pull down the false beliefs I was told I was a nothing.
My little J was so aggressive and angry, trust is not something she believed was real. Love means being a puppet, forever not in control of the strings. life was trying to get her aggressive narcicistic avoidant dad to love her, wondering why her mother is unstable and depressed. They keep bringing her into their arguments, she feel chaotic, not safe and very panicky. The butterflies in her stomach are devouring her, if she goes to her Nan then it gets back as Nan cannot keep her mouth shut at the mistreatment. She wants to curl up and disappear so she loses herself in fantasy and nothing can hurt her any more, she has an oasis.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2013 13:27:56 GMT -8
You coped the only way you could. You went into your mind to block out all reality as it was too painful. That little J worked but it time to hold onto me and together learn different coping skills. Your not damaged goods just confused, being swept up into an adults addiction is chaotic and awful but I'm proud of you for being so brave. It must of been so hard to be so isolated and alone but you got through it but your not alone now, you have an adult who wants only the best for you because your worth it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2013 17:15:12 GMT -8
Little J,
your dad didn't suddenly change and stop loving you, he loved you!
All those years of doubting your own judgment. The truth was a secret but your own explanation harder to bear!
He was an alcoholic looking for reasons to cause an fight so he could run to the pub!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2015 2:05:10 GMT -8
Last night I didn't see you, you wasn't separate from me, for the first time we merged as one. I cried my heartbreak over feeling unloved, I felt my earlier pain, despair and loneliness. I felt the terror of being rejected, nothing I did was good enough, no matter how many hoops I jumped through you all wanted rid of me. I now realise with the wisdom of age that it was my parents toxic shame they wanted rid of and heaped it onto me, they transferred their feelings of despair and fear of their own unlovableness that they had endured from their own childhood onto me. I validate my pain from my original wound but no longer do I feel shameful for my own emotions, no longer will I carry the lies of my past. The truth has shined a light on me and I was always worthy of love. My self love has ignited and soon it will be a roaring fire and never again will I extinguish it to fit in with anyone's disfunctional way of living or feeling. I'm brave, feisty, unique and yes I have a shadow self but I accept and love myself exactly as I am.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 10:53:40 GMT -8
Vivi,
That's the beauty of healing together, we can read other people's experiences, relate and it shines a light on our own wounds too.
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