|
Post by iamastar on Nov 27, 2013 8:52:40 GMT -8
Since I was diagnosed with this disorder today, and don't see any other threads on the subject, I thought I'd create one myself. I you have any experience with this, I would love to hear from you. Being diagnosed with this felt like getting punched in the stomach, because it hit me right where I am most vulnerable.
The symptoms/traits includes:
Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism Self-imposed social isolation Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships[13] Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus Feelings of inadequacy Severe low self-esteem Self-loathing Mistrust of others Emotional distancing related to intimacy Highly self-conscious Self-critical about their problems relating to others Problems in occupational functioning Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful Feeling inferior to others In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts[14][15]
Especially the last one relates a lot to LA. I have such a hard time socializing and forming real relationships that I tend to play them all out in my head instead of having them. And the whole "being to hard on myself" part makes perfect sense too.
I will be receiving treatment for this, but the waiting lists are quite long, so it will likely take 6 months before I can begin. It hurts a lot to know that this is a permanent illness, but hopefully I can keep it all in perspective. This is a diagnosis, not my identity, and it can improve vastly through life. Hopefully, I will be stronger in my recovery from LA with this knowledge.
Lots of light
|
|
|
Post by miztex on Nov 27, 2013 19:47:37 GMT -8
My POA has this disorder. I totally get it. I also know the problems with the mental health system. This place has been a Godsend for me and others. I am healing now. Have a happy holidays and be at peace.
|
|
|
Post by iamastar on Nov 30, 2013 4:22:59 GMT -8
Thanks for your reply, miztex. I've had a few days now to process the news and find some peace. I have absolutely no doubt that I suffer from this disorder, but at the same time it isn't my entire personality. Certain things, like reaching out to friends and talking on the phone are no longer problematic to me. I called my boyfriend and asked him to come and be with me when I got the diagnosis, and then I went back to his place with him. For the past 48 hours I haven't done anything except for crying, but I woke up this morning feeling level-headed and like myself again, so I am just doing some chores and taking care of little things today. Easy does it, I guess. I've had a lot of "A-HA" movements about my past behavior in the light of this diagnosis, like how I once lied to get away from an exam, and how I never seek out places with lots og noise and people... And how I'll NEVER show up to any social event unless someone has asked me specifically to go. I always need to be 100% sure that people like me before I open up even a little bit. It's exhausting, honestly. And as for LA, I believe my constant fantasies are just as much about ME being able to function properly in social situations than about any other person. My fantasies are always set in parties or bigger events, but in real life I rarely attend any. I fantasize that I make friends easily, and that my POA's believe that I am funny, beautiful, well-spoken etc. But I also fantasize that everyone else (the "extra's" as I've once called them in my diary) like me a lot. Because in real life I am ALWAYS scared and certain that the people in my life only tolerate my presence, and would really prefer it if I wasn't there. With this new knowledge I can begin to challenge my thinking and my deeply held ideas about how other peoples perception of me. Maybe I don't come across as awkward and strange as I believe myself. Also, in the past days I've had zero problems with fantasizing about any POA. When my brain starts, I can remind myself that this isn't about any of them, but about my own self-esteem and ability to trust others and form relationships in real life. It's liberating in it's own way.
|
|
|
Post by iamastar on Nov 30, 2013 4:42:01 GMT -8
I don't think I've ever REALLY gotten it before.
I've read 10.000 times that we as love addicts are avoiding something within ourselves, but I could never figure out what is was within me that I just couldn't face. I didn't understand, because I have always been aware that my childhood has been pretty horrible, and that I still carry some scars from that with me today. It hasn't been something that I have been trying to avoid, so even though I knew I fantasized to AVOID something, I never understood what that something was.
I now know that it isn't my childhood or any memories from back then. It is here and now. My perceived inability to make conversation with people, function in social settings without feeling horrible and left out, and my loneliness as a result from it. It's not that I am horrible at talking to people, but I always believe that I am, and it's not something that I have even been aware of. I just lower my expectations drastically whenever I enter new friendships or other relations because I am so afraid of being judged and humiliated. This is a pretty big realization for me.
Lots of light
|
|
bigolmess
Junior Member
“I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 74
|
Post by bigolmess on Nov 30, 2013 7:29:30 GMT -8
I can relate to nearly everything on your list, particularly how you describe the discomfort you feel in social situations. After a conversation, I usually go over the entire thing in my head and try to analyze where I came across as naive, insensitive, angry, over eager, too friendly, telling too much about myself, asking offensive questions, etc. Since Thanksgiving, I've been going over a dialogue I had with my mother and one of my sisters. In the past, my stage fright has been debilitating and really held me back in my career. I think you are right that we are not trying to escape from treatment during childhood. I was an obese kid in 70's and was not accepted by my family and didn't have any friends. My learned behavior was to just be as quiet and small as I could be so I didn't have to endure the barbs from people who somehow thought I had no feelings because I was heavy. In early adolescence I lost weight to be accepted but 30 years later I am still that chubby kid in so many aspects of my life.
In your list, there is "mistrust of others." I find this interesting because I tend to trust people I shouldn't, possibly as an attempt to gain some approval and friendship, anything to combat the loneliness. When I get an inkling that these people aren't as trustworthy as I thought is when I go into obsessive mode and try to figure out what the problem is. This has happened so many times in my life that it feels normal. In learning about my LA, it seems I'm likely to attract some shady people who see my vulnerabilities as opportunities.
|
|
|
Post by Little Fox on Dec 5, 2013 2:59:16 GMT -8
I think both my POA and I have this in different stages. Due to his young age (we have an age gap) he is not even close to realizing this, so I think I have the advantage of being a bit more reflected about this. But it still applies.
Including the part with trusting noone, but then again putting ALL of my trust in people who ultimately don't "deserve" it. And by deserve I don't mean they're bad people, but I am giving them more responsibility than they can handle. This counts espceially for my POA.
|
|
|
Post by iamastar on Dec 5, 2013 7:33:48 GMT -8
Thanks for your reply Little Fox. My own LA has taken a back seat in the past week, because I've had to deal with the news of this disorder. I do realize that the two can't be separated, but after discovering my TRUE problem I have been considering how to deal with it and hopefully create a better future for myself. For the first few days I could do nothing but cry, and it seemed my condition got worse after realizing I had it. Suddenly I couldn't even go and buy groceries because I had to talk to people, although it hasn't been a problem before. The good news is that there IS help to get. Since I am a student, I talked to my student counselor who informed me the options that are available to me. This includes free therapy and a HEFTY sum of money every month to make up for loss of income (since I can't study full time and have a part time job). It is scary that this disability is so serious. I never realized just how affected I am by this. I thought everyone else struggled as hard as I have to live a normal life. For now I feel hopeful that I can recover and live my life without the inhibition of anxiety and lack of trust in people. Lots of light for all of you.
|
|
|
Post by Little Fox on Dec 5, 2013 9:41:39 GMT -8
If you are still young, I think it is somewhat natural to have these symptoms. I live in Finland and teen angst is almost legendary here. There are very few individuals who are NOT exhibiting a part or all of these symptoms. So try and not be too harsh with yourself, a lot will also just sort itself out as you grow older and learn to face some of your fears instead of avoiding them. Start with the less threatening ones (spiders? elevators?) and then work your confidence up until you are ready to face the more severe ones (social fears, fear of abandonment etc).
You have lots of reason to hope.
|
|
|
Post by iamastar on Dec 5, 2013 12:27:12 GMT -8
Hey Fox.
Thanks for your reply. Although I am still pretty young (24 this January), it is a little late for teen angst (although I had plenty of that as well). AvPD is generalized, meaning that there's no one thing that I am afraid of, so I can't really work out a plan of action and get moving - although that is my favorite strategy for most things. You're right that facing my fears is important if I want to grow with this... And knowing what they are will definitively help. But I also know that what I have is beyond what most people struggle with in this area - and I say that with no intention of belittling anybody else - because it affects me to a point where I have been/am unable to live a normal life. I avoid things where I have to be social, and overcompensate like a madman in other areas to make up for it.
|
|
|
Post by CodepNomore on Dec 6, 2013 8:14:12 GMT -8
This is just my humble opinion on this subject. Being aware that we have certain kind of “disorder” is good. On the other hand, sometimes it is becoming an overuse term for about everything that does not necessarily mean a disorder. It could be a learned behaviour or a habit only that could still be unlearned or change as long as we take responsibility. Moreover, giving our attention to our so-called “disorder” can oftentimes make it only bigger than what it really is.
One famous successful therapist was known for asking only once what is the “problem” of his patients and from there on, he just kept on working on the solution. His patients healed faster as a result.
Whereas other moneymaking medical practitioners are too happy to speak more about disorder in order to make a business out of it. They would even lengthen the process so you would need their services/treatments longer.
Therefore, for me, I would just do the things that would make my strengths develop more. Because where my focus is, it becomes bigger or more powerful. Moreover, I want my strengths and not my weakness or “disorder” to take up my energy.
Iamastar, hope you feel better! Because there’s a lot of positive things about you and your life.
|
|
|
Post by iamastar on Dec 7, 2013 7:58:05 GMT -8
hey codepnomore.
Thanks for your reply. I value and respect your opinion.
the psycologist who diagnosed me doesn't have a private practice. I was sent there through puplic health-care (where I live, health-care is paid for by the goverment). So, this person gains absolutely nothing from giving me this diagnosis. Quite the opposite - treatment is very expensive, and the waiting lists are long. I got the diagnosis in one place, and will get the treatment somewhere else.
Personally, I have absolutely no doubt that I have this disorder. And I never mean to use it as a crotch or conclude that something is "wrong" with me. Knowing that I have this diagnosis is an important tool for me, so I can start challenging and changing some of the deep seated beliefs I have, that are damaging me.
Ultimately, it just means that I have, on a consistent level through my childhood, experienced a level of neglect and rejection that has caused me to protect myself by always expecting the worst and trusting nobody. And I still expect the worst in any situation. I just didn't know those thoughts weren't normal, because I have never thought in any other way.
With this diagnosis I can remind myself that some of the things I take for granted about the world may very well be wrong. And I believe that I will be happier for it.
Lots of light.
|
|