Post by liveandlovelife on Nov 29, 2013 9:03:12 GMT -8
I am reading this book now and some pages are a struggle. But I thought it might be helpful to discuss it as it relates to obsessive thoughts. This part of LA stays with me the longest...far after withdrawl is over. I want to change it this time. There is work to do. A lot of work. This book is a great start. The kindle edition is cheap and even if you dont have a kindle, you can download to a phone or tablet.
I've been reading this for a few days and agree that it's not an easy read. It makes sense but it's hard work and I'm finding myself being resistant to change. As noted from another thread about obsessing too long, this is my primary reason for picking up this book. Getting under what is causing the obsessing is where you really have to stretch because the negative thoughts have been a lifelong companion.
I am on this board because of issues with looking for love from unavailable men, all the while being unavailable myself. However, if I dissected my relationships with other people, such as family, friends, and even co-workers, I've had bouts of obsessing about them as well. When I look even deeper, the people that have tormented my thoughts are definitely troubled souls and were that way before I ever knew them. The healthy people in my life, who are authentic and transparent as to who they are, don't have me sitting around wondering about them and analyzing their every move and word. It never occurred to me that if someone created obsessive thoughts in me that it was a red flag. I think that will be helpful moving forward when deciding who I let into my life.
While I'm focused on ridding myself of lingering regret, resentment & self-loathing over my latest POA, I'm eager to see how I can make changes that will positively affect my other relationships and how I relate to myself about certain things. I found the Dysfunctional Attitude Scale enlightening in that there are some areas of relating that I have healthy approach to or is not too far out in left field. The addiction to approval & love were off the charts deranged, with achievement being only a bit delusional. The other items all hovered around the normal range, which gave me some hope that I had some strengths on which I can rely while I work on the others.
From Susan. There are some books I have been trying to read for years with no success. This is one of them. If you have already bought this book read the chapter headings and opening and closing paragraphs. A good writer sums up everything in either the beginning or end of each paragraph and then again at the end of the chapter.
You can also Google books on this subject and use the "look in" feature to check the reading level. The whole concept of a self-help book is to take complicated, scientific material and make it readable to the public. This is how Richard Harris took his mentor's concept of the "child ego state" and turned it into the "inner child." Transactional Analysis became "Inner Child Work."
Here is a book that will give you a headache. "A Variety of Religious Experiences" by William James. It takes what used to be called religious and turns it into spirituality with a hint of psychology.
Post by Loving My Life on Nov 29, 2013 11:42:26 GMT -8
bigolmess, You hit on something that my sponsor told me early in my recovery, and it comes from different recovery groups, but I found it in my coda group, and one of the characteristics of being codependent is:
-You are not attracted to people who are kind, stable, reliable and interested in you. You find such "nice" people boring.
I kept reading this over and over, and I would read this little handbook everyday, because a lot of this was so true to me. And it is because of being raised in a alcoholic family, and chaos, and never knowing what was going to happen next in my life, nothing was routine, so anything normal and routine, made me feel like something was missing in my life, and I had to learn how to live my life at age 50, I did not even not how to life peacefully, and we do have to adjust to this. It took me about 3 years to finally make that turnaround, to where I was ok without chaos, and drama.
I just wanted to share that little tidbit. There is a list of about 15 things on here, but I wanted to share that one with you.
From Susan . . . I first learned this from Robin Norwood in her book "Women Who Love Too Much."
When I look back on my life it seems I've spent a significant portion of it trying to escape the reality of it and becoming consumed with other people's problems. Oftentimes, as in the case of POAs, I take them on myself and the chaos of their lives runs over into mine. My life is pretty boring and the chaos that's in it, I'm bored with trying to make it better. In that I attract people with a lot of drama, I'm not sure how much I really tried to solve the problems in my real life. I've heard and used the expression of "borrowing trouble" but this seems like the most accurate description of what I've been doing.
What I have been seeking outside of my marriage is a connection. My husband is the kind, stable, reliable, and boring person you described. He has hallmarks of Asperger's Syndrome and has neglected me much of the 25 years we have been married. He gained 100 pounds the first year we were married and has kept it on, and his libido is extremely low. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body & even though I have talked until I'm blue in the face about not getting my needs met, he is unable to change in a meaningful way for any amount of time. He goes back into his little world. He is bright, a good conversationalist, and he is my touchstone. However, there is really no emotional intimacy. This is what I want to feel before I die, and not the fake stuff I've tried to get from my POAs.
Last Edit: Nov 29, 2013 19:08:53 GMT -8 by bigolmess
Another great trick to reading a difficult book: try not progressing through the book as if you have a beginning, middle and end, like a chapter book or novel. Read one section as many times as possible. Write down stuff that makes sense or doesn't and don't progress until you really GET IT. One of my biggest impediments to growth was that if I didn't "get" something, I gave up quickly and moved on. Don't give up so quickly. Pretend you have a test on this stuff at the end of the week
Post by liveandlovelife on Nov 30, 2013 12:12:51 GMT -8
You have hit something that I myself have discovered in reading this book and planned on writing about here today. I was stunned when i read you making the same discovery: that we tend to have the same type of obsessive thoughts in other areas of our lives with other people. For me it is founded in rejection. I take the smallest disagreement with friends, family, colleauges as rejection sometimes. My last POA I had gotten tired of and started actively pulling away from. But because he did the official dumping, i then took as rejection. My reaction was completely removed from the reality of the overall situation. No logic in my thoughts like the book says. My trouble with the book is following along about what we are meant to do with the assignments. I am going to take Lovely June's advice and pick a section. Thanks Lovely June!
With my last two POAs, I was hoping they would do something that would make me end it and when they did, I took it as rejection. That's the type of irrational and illogical thoughts this book is making me reconsider. I knew the relationships were fake and hopeless. There was a part of me that wanted it to end because it would be best for my POA to move on and find someone available. I just never had the strength to end it and when I found out my POAs were never letting me get in their way of trolling for other women, I was crushed. A rational response would not include my feeling inadequate over the ending regardless of how it came about. I can make just about anything boil down to rejection.
I agree that I feel like I'm not sure what my homework is with this book. There are several tools that would be helpful practiced daily. What I need is a workbook or something to keep my on task. There is a handbook and I'm wondering if it would be worth a try.