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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 29, 2013 12:17:56 GMT -8
I wanted to share this again, I use to read this little booklet about 9 pages, everyday when I was new in recovery, a lot of the things in this book rang true for me. I did not even know what being Co-Dependent was until about 4 plus years ago, but this has cause a lot if not all of my problems in my life, I just did not know this..
So here are the characteristic of a co-dependent/love addict:
1) Typically, you come from a dysfunctional home (mine was alcoholic parents) in which your emotional needs were not met.
2) Having received little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to people who appear, in some way, needy.
3) Because you were never able to change your parents into the warm, loving caretakers you longed for, you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable person whom you can again try to change through your love. (This was me, and I still have to keep this in check)
4) Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving. (Hanging on for dear life)
5) Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" this person you are involved with.
6) Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
7) You are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in any relationship.
8) Your self esteem is critically low, and deep inside you do not believe you deserve to be happy. Rather, you believe you must earn the right to enjoy life.
9) You have a desperate need to control your partner and your relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. You mask your efforts to control people and situations as being "being helpful". (Always look at your motives).
10) In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be, than with the reality of your situation.
11) You are addicted to people and emotional pain. (We have a high tolerance for pain, and this is not healthy)
12) You may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol and or certain foods, particularly sugary ones, sex or any addiction.
13) By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsibility to yourself.
14) You may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which you try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.
15) You are not attracted to people who are kind, stable, reliable and interested in you. You find such "nice" people boring. (This really hit home for me)
I just wanted to share this again, and I was all of these in 2010, and I have to work at not being this way, and it took me awhile too turn all of this around, but I kept doing my recovery daily, and when things would come up I would sit and see what my part was, and was I trying to control someone and the outcome, and I would talk about it with others, and I worked on rebuilding my self-esteem, and my confidence began to rise, and I could make decisions to protect myself, and my life finally started to become less chaotic.
And just writing all of this and thinking back to 3 years ago, I was a complete mess, and I have made a lot of progress, and I am so blessed to be able to share my experience, strength, and hope with others, and just know this, your life will change also, just keep doing the deal, never stop having a open mind, and learning, this is a journey, not a destination.
People did have a lot of control over my life, but I had to learn a new way of dealing with people, and dealing with myself first and foremost. Today I love me the most, and I tell myself that daily, and more than once, and I really do love myself today, I thought I did before recovery, but I really did not, but I do today thanks to this forum and my local 12 step groups, and the wonderful friends I have met along this journey.
Thank you all for helping me also...
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Post by Havefaith on Nov 30, 2013 5:32:34 GMT -8
Another book that addresses the subject of perceiving nice (and stable) people as 'boring' is "Attached - The New Science of Adult Attachment". The authors (Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller, M.A.) propose that there are three general attachment 'styles' -- the Anxious (very much like a love addict), the Secure (the 'boring' people) and the Avoidant (the people that we love-addicts find so intriguing). This book helped me more than I can tell you in identifying WHY I kept falling for the wrong type, why it was dangerous for me and would only lead to angst and misery, and how to break the cycle (i.e., start appreciating the Secure folks). It is very 'readable' -- in fact, when I purchased it, I devoured it. I couldn't put it down, it rang so true for me. I urge all Love Addicts (we are the Anxious) to pick up this book. Here's an excerpt, describing what happens when Anxious people 'activate' their attachment style with someone who is not healthy for them (the Avoidant) --
"Every time you get mixed messages (from Avoidant) your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship....After living like this for a while, you start to do something interesting. You start to equate the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short bursts of joy with love. What you're really doing is equating an activated attachment system with love. If you've been at it for awhile, you become programmed to get attracted to those very individuals who are least likely to make you happy....An activated attachment system is NOT passionate love.... True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind...."
This book is a treasure chest of wisdom and help for me, as a recovering Love Addict, worth every penny and then some. I cannot recommend it enough!
HaveFaith
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Post by Loveanimals on Nov 30, 2013 12:14:07 GMT -8
I agree havefaith, I have learned through recovery to wipe out the Avoidants from my life yet I do feel that the Secure ones are more "boring".....yet with that (and that includes female friendships) there is a sense that the boring ones will always be there for me, whereas the Avoidants/Drama Queens are up and down and I never know if we're friends or not, which creates an addictive cycle.
I know Robin Norwood discusses the "boredom" in her book. This is something I struggle with daily as the Anxious people are so attractive as female friends too, yet they are also love addicts with daily drama postings on their social media, so being around them fuels the Love Addiction.
I'm making myself look forward to a dinner with a healthy female vs. an unhealthy one who has non stop stories and drama, it is tough though. The healthy female is usually just busy with her career, children and doesn't have wild stories.....
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Post by loveellen on Sept 10, 2015 5:38:48 GMT -8
15) You are not attracted to people who are kind, stable, reliable and interested in you. You find suck "nice" people boring. (This really hit home for me)
it is too sad
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 11, 2015 8:24:37 GMT -8
15) You are not attracted to people who are kind, stable, reliable and interested in you. You find suck "nice" people boring. (This really hit home for me)it is too sad The concept of the "boring nice man" was first introduced by Robin Norwood in her book, Women Who Love Too Much. I discussed this as the love addict's "underlying fear of intimacy," and Howard Halpern discovered this in treating love addicts in recovery. He wrote a book about this entitled, Finally Getting it Right. Thirty years later I have come to the conclusion that love addiction is just a smokescreen for avoidance therefore both addicts and avoidants are really Ambivalent Love Addicts. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 11, 2015 11:32:35 GMT -8
Deep down, I think love addicts are attracted to the bad boy type because he is the type we relate to. He is what we see in ourselves. I ALWAYS fancied myself an independent artist and writer, traveling around the world, smoking cigarettes and drinking wine in smoky bars, with my rebel attitude and free spirit. But, the truth is, that's not exactly who I was! When I really took a look at myself, I was a mother of two sons. I drove a minivan. I liked to bake pies and spend time with family and travel every once in a while. Did I like the arts? Sure. But I wasn't even an artist! In fact, most of those "types" stayed out late, smoked, drank, partied, had bad jobs, etc, etc. I couldn't handle any of that stuff. And yet, I was still going after these badboy types, driving them around in my minivan with my screaming kids. It's funny now that I think of it!
So, the trick to a healthier relationship is KNOW THYSELF. Don't describe yourself as you wish to be, but as you truly are.
Second, look for people who share those similarities (and values) That might mean finding a good, stable, healthy man with some adventurous, slightly "wild" traits, so that YOU can keep one foot in reality and one in your rebel world.
Lastly, we need to stop thinking in black and white. People are not ALL bad boy or ALL boring. When I first started dating my husband D I initially feared that he was boring. But, he played the guitar, liked the arts, and loved the fact that I was a writer. Plus he had a fantastic sense of humor, which is really important to me. Sold! And while there were still times I actually mourned the bad boy fantasy, I mostly grew up and got real about the reality of what qualities a partner should have.
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Post by paisley on Sept 11, 2015 12:49:32 GMT -8
I noticed this when I had a recent tiff with the guy I'm dating. I don't think he's an avoidant, but he activated my "attachment system" and the rush that came from the flood of emotions felt just like what I've always considered to be love. My instinct was to up the ante and seek assurance and validation from him. Thanks to recovery, I recognized this and zipped my mouth, for the most part. I still leaked out some manipulating words with the intention of getting him to commit to me. It takes some practice to recognize these feelings for what they are and stop yourself from acting on them, when you misinterpret this as love. It's so strong, and my habits are deeply engrained.  It's possible though!  |
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 11, 2015 13:36:06 GMT -8
It takes some practice to recognize these feelings for what they are and stop yourself from acting on them, when you misinterpret this as love. It's so strong, and my habits are deeply engrained. It's possible though! You know, a very strange thing happened to me about 4 years into my relationship with D, that might help you, Paisley. Something to look out for. It sounds very similar to the "attachment system" HaveFaith refers to. I was in a bad mood for no particular reason, and all of us sudden I felt this overwhelming sensation of longing for my old PoA. This, mind you, after four years of BLISS with D and zero ambiguity. Needless to say, the feeling scared the heck out of me. Had I lost my mind? D loved me dearly, and I felt very secure in this relationship. Besides, I thought I was over and done with G (my PoA). Nevertheless, I followed through with the feeling and I put on an old song that I used to listen to way back in the day when I would cry my eyes out over G, who was no where to be found, or wouldn't call, etc. It was Roy Orbison's In Dreams, and I listened to it that night at least 10 times, crying. But something didn't make sense. I knew, logically, I no longer loved or even liked G. I also logically knew I loved D. So then...what the heck was I crying about? Why was I longing for G when I didn't even like him anymore??? I discovered that night that I had missed the sensation of longing, not anyone in particular. Because D was always there, and never activated my "attachment system" and I always felt secure, it had been four years that I did not experience the emotion "longing." And I missed it. I know now to beware of my emotions. That sounds ominous, but, imagine if I had believed that my emotions of longing were leading me back to an old PoA? I would have most likely sabotaged myself and my healthy relationship with D. So...GOOD FOR YOU for recognizing your feelings and not acting on them. You are waaaaaay ahead of the game |
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Post by paisley on Sept 11, 2015 16:49:00 GMT -8
Oh yes! I have noticed that in recovery. I think that was a major thing in my last relationship...wanting to long for somebody. As a life-long torchbearer, that was my main hobby. In my last relationship, even though I had some good recovery under my belt, these triggering situations would arise and I'd kind of thrive off the drama and rush of emotions. My thing then was to fire off these epic, compulsive emails at 3 am when I was up obsessing. At some point I noticed I was addicted to this routine and really couldn't imagine the relationship being in a calm state. Luckily I recognized that as unhealthy and eventually broke it off. Not soon enough, but I did it. Last night I wanted to fire off an epic email, but I knew better. I was not thinking rationally. Now I know if I'm in a relationship that regularly triggers me, I've simply got to end it. . Sure, some of my reactions and feelings may be due to a traumatic past and I've still got work to do on my issues, but a man who is not sensitive to that is not for me. One of my new mantras is "make no apologies". Sure, I'm going to apologize for making mistakes and hurting people, but I will make no apologies for who I am. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 12, 2015 2:42:41 GMT -8
Amen, sister!
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Post by terryt on Sept 12, 2015 7:02:10 GMT -8
Deep down, I think love addicts are attracted to the bad boy type because he is the type we relate to. He is what we see in ourselves. I ALWAYS fancied myself an independent artist and writer, traveling around the world, smoking cigarettes and drinking wine in smoky bars, with my rebel attitude and free spirit. But, the truth is, that's not exactly who I was! When I really took a look at myself, I was a mother of two sons. I drove a minivan. I liked to bake pies and spend time with family and travel every once in a while. Did I like the arts? Sure. But I wasn't even an artist! In fact, most of those "types" stayed out late, smoked, drank, partied, had bad jobs, etc, etc. I couldn't handle any of that stuff. And yet, I was still going after these badboy types, driving them around in my minivan with my screaming kids. It's funny now that I think of it! So, the trick to a healthier relationship is KNOW THYSELF. Don't describe yourself as you wish to be, but as you truly are. Second, look for people who share those similarities (and values) That might mean finding a good, stable, healthy man with some adventurous, slightly "wild" traits, so that YOU can keep one foot in reality and one in your rebel world. Lastly, we need to stop thinking in black and white. People are not ALL bad boy or ALL boring. When I first started dating my husband D I initially feared that he was boring. But, he played the guitar, liked the arts, and loved the fact that I was a writer. Plus he had a fantastic sense of humor, which is really important to me. Sold! And while there were still times I actually mourned the bad boy fantasy, I mostly grew up and got real about the reality of what qualities a partner should have. Did I like the arts? Sure. But I wasn't even an artist! In fact, most of those "types" stayed out late, smoked, drank, partied, had bad jobs, etc, etc. I couldn't handle any of that stuff. And yet, I was still going after these badboy types, driving them around in my minivan with my screaming kids. It's funny now that I think of it!
Ha Ha Ha That sounds hilarious! I can picture it too. And I can totally relate to doing things that I picture myself to be, or be a part of, but not being that type of person at all. Being "out of character" was my middle name with my POA !
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Post by nicola76 on Sept 25, 2017 2:34:09 GMT -8
Thank you for sharing this I can see I have the characteristics of a codependent love addict
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Post by nicola76 on Apr 14, 2018 8:00:34 GMT -8
Another book that addresses the subject of perceiving nice (and stable) people as 'boring' is "Attached - The New Science of Adult Attachment". The authors (Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller, M.A.) propose that there are three general attachment 'styles' -- the Anxious (very much like a love addict), the Secure (the 'boring' people) and the Avoidant (the people that we love-addicts find so intriguing). This book helped me more than I can tell you in identifying WHY I kept falling for the wrong type, why it was dangerous for me and would only lead to angst and misery, and how to break the cycle (i.e., start appreciating the Secure folks). It is very 'readable' -- in fact, when I purchased it, I devoured it. I couldn't put it down, it rang so true for me. I urge all Love Addicts (we are the Anxious) to pick up this book. Here's an excerpt, describing what happens when Anxious people 'activate' their attachment style with someone who is not healthy for them (the Avoidant) --
"Every time you get mixed messages (from Avoidant) your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship....After living like this for a while, you start to do something interesting. You start to equate the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short bursts of joy with love. What you're really doing is equating an activated attachment system with love. If you've been at it for awhile, you become programmed to get attracted to those very individuals who are least likely to make you happy....An activated attachment system is NOT passionate love.... True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind...."This book is a treasure chest of wisdom and help for me, as a recovering Love Addict, worth every penny and then some. I cannot recommend it enough! HaveFaith Thank you I've had this book for years but never read it I'll dig it out xxx |
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Post by Linda S. on Jun 24, 2020 2:27:16 GMT -8
I'm new to the forum and very much identify with what I'm reading here. I hope to connect with some of you in future, on here and maybe at a zoom meeting. I've been in 12 step programmes for years but feel like I've "come home" all over again. Thank you.
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