Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2013 6:40:58 GMT -8
Hello all~
Codependent love addict here. I just began attending Coda and slaa meetings, and am happy to have found an additional place of support here. I really need it.
I have been no contact with ex BF for three weeks now- going through withdrawals that are affecting my work and relationships. We had broken up a year and a half ago (live in different states now) but kept in contact almost every day. He was my main source of emotional support and we still loved each other (I thought). I thought we had a bond that would last all our lives. We both confided we were lonely, having a hard time, missing each other. I thought we were feeling similar. I was very open with my struggles making new friends and building a life, being very lonely, etc.
Three weeks ago I found pictures of a new girlfriend on facebook that were 3 months old. I also found recent romantic songs sent to his page from an ex girlfriend from long ago, a woman that used to send song lyrics to him in the middle of the night. I would get upset and he would make me feel crazy for thinking he was cheating. My gut was always telling me he did not love me the same way I loved him. I feel used for money and comfort for 3 years, but do not feel I was loved. I feel like if someone can be this duplicitous, the whole relationship was a lie. I confronted him, he said he was sorry, then proceeded to tell me he could not talk to me anymore because new girlfriend would not like it. In one day, everything I thought was true was turned upside down. I am feeling rage with nowhere for it to go except to myself, for being so needy and naive and unable to move on to a better life like he has. I am filled with envy that someone who was so rotten to me gets to be happy and I am miserable!! He is again acting like I am crazy for thinking he betrayed my trust. He was cold and callous, obviously I became a problem, finding out the truth.
This has shattered whatever shaky self esteem I was building. Major setback. And the good habits I was building-taking yoga, biking, reaching out to people more, feel meaningless now. I just want to move away and start fresh in a new city like he did.
Part of this is shame that I was vulnerable with my struggles- so embarrassed that he has a sad story to tell about me to family and friends, if I had known he was not the person of importance he had portrayed himself to me, I would have not shared such sensitive information to him. The last conversation we had I was talking about being lonely and getting a cat- all the while he was lying to me and falling in love with someone else. I am so deeply ashamed. Meanwhile he defriends me on facebook and says I should not have snooped. So it is my fault.
The big issue for me is whatever small pleasure I was feeling in bettering my life has disappeared and been replaced with looking at my life through his eyes and feeling so much shame about:
*where I live(boring city-want to move away very badly)
*my job(I hate it) and my tight finances
*new GF has children-I wanted a family with him
*my struggle this year to make friends and a life without him (I do have 3 close friends that I cherish)
*family dysfunction issues(bought property with sister and regret it now)
*my age(44) starting to panic I will never have a healthy relationship
*dysfunction I brought to the relationship(when he told me we couldn't talk anymore, I cried like a 3 year old that was being abandoned and begged him not to throw me away).
I am having no success in finding things to like about me and the life I live, His opinion of me is more important to me than my own. I feel exposed as undesirable and boring. This is alarming and shameful to me.
Can anyone relate and offer your experience getting through this and becoming hopeful again?
I have no idea how to begin to find love and worth for myself. I feel so intensely rejected, I have never felt like such a failure at life in every aspect. I cannot even believe he loved me at all now, why would anyone? Cannot laugh or smile and don't want anyone around me.
The withdrawals are horrible-not eating, can't concentrate, feeling worthless, waking at 3 am in a panic, crying at work, etc.
I cant find any hope or joy. I hate that he knows I am sitting here alone crying, that he is having an interesting life and I am still in the same boring spot.
Sorry for the jumbled self pitying ramble.
|
|
FlowersForever
Junior Member

Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't, didn't already have
Posts: 53
|
Post by FlowersForever on Dec 3, 2013 6:10:20 GMT -8
Hi Jacyln, I am so glad you have come to this board. There are so many of us here that can understand what you are going through. Your story sounds so much like mine. I am also 44, no kids. Please consider reading my newcomers story, I am curious if you find it as relatable as I do yours: loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/thread/14923/hopeful-future?page=1#scrollTo=104930The really good news is that there are many others on this board that are way ahead of us along the recovery road, and their stories and victories offer me enough hope to keep moving forward, one day at a time. If I can't do a day, I will do it hour by hour. I am on this board nearly every day. I have been in recovery for about 9 months, and things have definitely improved, though I have a long way to go. I have experienced exactly what you described... when I initially separated from my POA (person of addiction) I had withdrawals like: crying at work, not sleeping well, waking up at all hours, feeling hopeless, utterly desperate for relief, angry at myself and the world, hating everything about my life (that anyone else would tell me is pretty good, but they don't have a clue, etc), etc. The hardest part for me was that I really really thought we had something real. I couldn’t believe that at 44 I was wrong AGAIN. This is what drove me into recovery. I am at the point in life where I cannot afford to be wrong again; this last one nearly undid me. In recovery, I have learned so much about myself and why I settle for men that treat me poorly (and more importantly, why I permit it!). I too suffer from having a reflected sense of self (or, seeing myself through the eyes of others). When we do this, we gain approval and a temporary sense of love and acceptance. But, we give away our power, and we relinquish our ability to have genuine interactions, which is what we are really craving most. With only conterfeit interactions, we end up feeling empty. I have felt empty all my life, but I never new why. A reflected sense of self is why we are so devastated when the men we love leave or are absent. I always knew I saw myelf through the eyes of others; I thought I was a fraud and something was wrong with me. I have learned in recovery that I developed the skill of seeing myself through the eyes of others as a survival tactic when I was a child, as a way to protect myself from hurt. But this survival skill no longer works, and actually causes more pain than good, so I am discovering my own sense of self. When I first learned that the answer to my issues was "ME" and "me loving me". I was very very disappointed. I didn't think "I" could ever be the answer (what a lame solution). But as I learned to love myself, I find it incredibly rewarding and empowering. That was a huge surprise. "I am filled with envy that someone who was so rotten to me gets to be happy and I am miserable!!" This is the statement in your post that really spoke to me… I have always thought this, but I have to say that it is NOT true! The truth is that your POA is very unhealthy. There is no “happily ever after” for him or any of us that are unhealthy. The future for him and each of us is to repeat our unhealthy behaviors unless we get into recovery. He is deceptive, unreliable, disengenuious, and untrustworthy. He is going to bring these behaviors to his new relationship and do to his new girlfriend exactly as he did to you, as well as to her children (very sad). I would bet a million bucks they don't like him... kids have an incredible intuition about unhealthy and unsafe people. His girlfriend and her kids may be smiling in the photos, but she is also unhealthy, or she wouldn’t be with him. Unheathy people attract unhealthy people. If she is healthy, she won’t be with him for long, as she will run for the hills his unhealthy tendencies start to show themselves. “In one day, everything I thought was true was turned upside down. I am feeling rage with nowhere for it to go except to myself, for being so needy and naive and unable to move on to a better life like he has.” I have felt exactly the same way. What I have learned is that I am not “needy”… we all have needs, we just try and meet them in unhealthy ways that lead to disappointment. I'd try to get my needs met by the men I loved, but when they disappointed me, I criticized myself for being “needy” and shifted into a “needless and wantless” posture, so that I wouldn’t come across as “needy”. Living as a needless and wantless person is impossible, because we do have needs and wants. I just had to learn how to meet my own needs, instead of expecting someone else to do so (which I thought was a reasonable expectation, because they loved me. However, this was faulted reasoning.) Anyway, I don’t want to hijack your posting, but I could comment on your posting for hours. I just want to encourage you to read as much as you can, stay in your 12 step recovery groups, and don’t lose hope, it WILL get better, it really will. Sincerely, FF
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2013 10:00:56 GMT -8
Hi FF~
Thank you so much for your reply and message. I read your introduction, you seem farther along than me in healing and have had some similar experiences. I have been here reading everyday. Thank you Susan and admins for this wonderful resource. It's been a source of hard to find gratitude for me.
I am kind of numb this morning after a rough jolt starting at 3 a.m. of realization. Really apathetic and listless. It must be a natural and biological protection from all the bombs going off in my head. I do have a slaa meeting tonight to go to and one at noon tomorrow. I realize I have become sort of an emotional anorexic since the initial leaving of exbf 1 1/2 years ago. I don't even want a cat.
I can't seem to connect to people and friends from a healthy, remotely positive place right now. Just been forcing myself through the days and retreating to my computer at night. Trying to keep the relationships maintained through texts and the occasional walk. I am so grateful to have people here and at meetings who understand.
Feeling intense shame and embarassment now, instead of anger at exbf. He knew I was struggling with life, and he was moving on and planning trips. It makes my stomach hurt.
I actually am more articulate than this post suggests. I will write more later. Going to go shopping for gloves for my walks.
Thanks again FF. I love your picture. Cosmos and Coreopsis. Do you garden?
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Dec 3, 2013 10:20:41 GMT -8
Welcome Jaclyn, You say you cant list 5 positive attributes about yourself: I bet you can. Stand in front of a mirror, and start at the top of your head, and look at yourself, this is all about you now. Not the extensions of you, like your job, where you live or what you drive. This is about you, and the person looking back at you in the mirror. (I do this as well, and I tell myself daily "I love me") Are you kind and compassionate? Do you have beautiful eyes? and hair? What qualities do you have? And add to this list, and use I AM...... This is how we do our daily affirmations, and if you can only find one good thing about yourself a day, do this for a month, and at the end of the month you will have 30 positive things you can see about yourself. LovelyJune use to say this, and it is very true. When we are new in recovery, we think we are the only person who has ever been in a bad relationship, and we just keep piling on more negativity on ourselves, we are our own worst enemy. There is nothing to feel guilty or shameful about, you are human and guess what? humans make mistakes, we have to know better in order to do better. Again welcome, we are all glad you are here, you will find a lot of knowledge and support on this forum. I am glad you are going to your local 12 step meetings, keep doing this, you will find a lot of comfort in these meetings as well as this forum. You are not alone. Keep coming back.
|
|
bigolmess
Junior Member

“I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 74
|
Post by bigolmess on Dec 3, 2013 16:17:46 GMT -8
I felt a profound connection to the recent postings by Jaclyn & Flowersforever for several reasons. I'm 44 as well, and just now in recovery for something I have been doing for ages. My latest POA contacted me Sunday and after 6 weeks of NC I finally responded and essentially told him what I am going through now and to leave me in peace so I can continue on my journey. I must have been in a trance or something. When I read back over the texts, I was clear, honest and sincerely asking for a break. His texts, on the hand, indicate the fling he dumped me for didn't work out, he is unemployed, and was desperate to get back something he lost (he must have thought I was the low hanging fruit). He was expecting me to want my emotional babysitter back and he needed a fallback girl for sexual, emotional, and financial support. Now, I am lost in a negative feedback loop that was actually getting better before this. While I was texting him, I actually thought I was in control. I would give anything to have more power over my thoughts and none of the techniques I've tried work. Then, I think what if I could sweep away all the obsessing, what would I be left with? The big fat nothingness that my life felt like before. Hollow and empty. FlowersForever other thread on not being grateful hit home for me. There is nothing so wrong with my life that I should want to escape it with other men. There is a laundry list of things I have going for me, but everything I do feels meaningless. Am I tormenting myself with BS about my POA because it's literally better than nothing? I have no interest in anything and never really have. There has got to be more than two options: suffering or nothingness. Since I am determined not to litter my bed with anymore POAs, which is the only time I have felt alive, then what's left?
|
|
|
Post by liveandlovelife on Dec 3, 2013 22:09:27 GMT -8
I am struggling with the self-esteem exercises too. I write things down but I feel such a disconnect. My brain knows i am a,b,c,d. My brain knows others would agree. But I don't feel an emotional relief at all. Something deep is rejecting it.
|
|
|
Post by Little Fox on Dec 4, 2013 3:07:22 GMT -8
I have not even tried the exercises yet, but I know about the technique to look in the mirror and tell myself I love myself etc. It feels artificial and weird when I think about it. It feels like I should feel sorry for myself to be dependant on stroking myself, because noone else will give enough of a f*k to care. It feels weird to reach out to a higher power, because I don't truly believe that a HP would care much either.
The funny thing is that I used to be very self-assured. I know who I am. I know what I am capable of. I have a strong body, am in fairly good shape given my age, people admire me and find me attractive. I'm not movie star perfect (nor do I want to be), but I have a lively and positive temperament, am smart and have a sophisticated friendly humour, laugh often, have plenty of things I enjoy and am passionate about. I rarely care what others think of me, I dress as I want to, can say no to people, have no troubles being alone with myself.
But still, I feel naive, powerless and pitiful when I think of what HE made me feel like. I always thought I was smart. People come to me for advice. Now they pity me for being such a fool and for still not being over him and still clinging to that faint hope.
How comes I am so fragile? How comes I let myself "need" him so much for my own verification? How comes I still refuse to let go?
Sorry for the hijack, but this thread is very much reflecting the stage I am in right now. My behaviour is under control, yet my self esteem and my emotions are that of an immature person. And I always thought I was so strong and independent and smart.
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Dec 4, 2013 5:24:01 GMT -8
Little Fox, I know when I first got into recovery, I was very cynical, and I thought I knew what was best for myself, and I would not listen to a lot my counselor said or suggested to me, at first. (I am not a licensed counselor, I am just sharing my experience, strength, and hope). She told me unless I had tried what she had suggested, that I really did not have any opinion on the subject.
I had been in recovery for 3 years, before I did this exercise, and with time I did believe what I was seeing and hearing in the mirror and I did start to really love myself again, so it does work, it is negative self talk that keeps us in the muck of this stinking thinking.
Also it is not a requirement to believe in a higher power to recover, you can make yourself your higher power, just believe that you can recover.
I was very cynical when I first started this journey, I thought I would just keep doing what I was doing, and doing it my way, and I would heal and just move on with my life, without a lot of discovery about myself, and without really digging deep and trying to heal my pain, well it did not work that way, the same problems kept coming up, over and over again, so I had to look within myself for the answers.
The changes do not happen overnight, it takes time and diligence, and recovery is a process of discovery of oneself, and it is baby steps.
If we are trying to recover on our own and doing it our way only, I can tell you now this is not going to work, nor will it last, we will just keep making the same mistakes over and over again, and expecting a difference result, and in recovery this is called insanity.
So when we get in enough pain, then we will be willing to go to any lengths for our recovery.
And I will say this also, the reason you are feeling naive, powerless, and pitiful about how your poa made you feel, is because this is your ego talking to you, your ego will tell you, you are a failure to have not seen this coming, your ego will tell you all the negative things that you don't want to believe. And the only thing that really matters here, is this, the relationship just did not work, it has nothing to do with you being less of a person because this relationship did not work.
See if it is your little kid on the inside of you hurting? Maybe this is why you feel so fragile, and maybe this is why you feel a need for your poa, and you are right now refusing to let go, it is your adult self? or you little kid? If it is your little kid, comfort her, and let her cry, hold her and let her know you are going to take care of her, and let her know that you will not abandon her now. Just see who is running the show, your little kid? or your adult self?
Recovery is about Progress Not Perfection, so keep coming back
|
|
|
Post by Little Fox on Dec 4, 2013 9:37:41 GMT -8
Oh... I am sorry if I came across as cynical and ignorant. That was not my intention.
I am aware that I need help and need to try things that I have never done before. I wish I had the option for help, but I have no counselor, SLAA group nor do I have friends here who would understand (my closest friends live abroad). I'm on my own apart from this forum, so reading, writing, thinking and feeling is all I have.
I just wanted to express sympathy for the feelings of resistance, awkwardness and hesitation the others were expressing. I know - from a logical perspective - that I need to do those things. It just does not feel right - yet.
|
|
|
Post by liveandlovelife on Dec 4, 2013 10:49:03 GMT -8
Oh... I am sorry if I came across as cynical and ignorant. That was not my intention. I am aware that I need help and need to try things that I have never done before. I wish I had the option for help, but I have no counselor, SLAA group nor do I have friends here who would understand (my closest friends live abroad). I'm on my own apart from this forum, so reading, writing, thinking and feeling is all I have. I just wanted to express sympathy for the feelings of resistance, awkwardness and hesitation the others were expressing. I know - from a logical perspective - that I need to do those things. It just does not feel right - yet. I am with you. I am completely alone in this too. Partly because my PoA and his new gal are part of a small community inwhich i live in. Meetings are very far away from where I live. I dont have any friends who understand. There is an incredible social void that I need to replace with healthy new socializing. Im not cynical. I feel a deep sense of irony in the self-esteem department. I know I am awesome. I am told so all the time. I am told that anyone who meets me whould NEVER guess I have self-esteem issues. So i find it difficult to repair. Or make the reconcilliation rather. You make perfect sense to me.
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Dec 4, 2013 11:34:18 GMT -8
I will share this with you both, you are not alone on this journey, we are all in this together. This is your recovery group.
I do have alot of local groups, but I dont go to them as much as I did at first, because this is my home base, I love this forum and it has saved my life.
So dont feel like your alone in your recovery journey because you are not.
Welcome to your online recovery forum.
|
|
|
Post by Little Fox on Dec 4, 2013 12:12:46 GMT -8
I feel a deep sense of irony in the self-esteem department. I know I am awesome. I am told so all the time. I am told that anyone who meets me whould NEVER guess I have self-esteem issues. So i find it difficult to repair. Or make the reconcilliation rather. You make perfect sense to me. Yes, this resonates with me absolutely. People are usually impressed by my positivity and my stable self esteem. I'm not easily offended, hurt and trust people in general and can laugh about my own shortcomings and mistakes. I'm not insecure about my body or my life choices. When my POA did his "Houdini" stunt I didn't even suspect that he was running, because I'd never have assumed that he would want to leave me. Why would he? I'm quite a catch. I still think, frankly, that he's an idiot for letting me go. And I'm saying this in a somewhat disappointed, but still kind way. I usually give lots of freedom in a relationship, was never jealous and never bothered when he would spend time with his friends. So me - a low self-esteem? That thought takes some time to get used to. I would never have thought that. I am not denying it, because obviously I do have issues. It's just difficult to wrap my mind around it. We are also similar in the isolation, because I cannot really tell anyone here. I live in a very small village and his family is one of the largest here. He's popular, the typical nice young man from the neighbourhood. And I have no intention of starting any kind of rumours here. Reputations are so easily destroyed. Mine and his. So there is no way I could talk about this to anyone in my area except the one person who already knows.
|
|