Tried to list 5 things I like about myself-couldn't do it.

Hi Jacyln, I am so glad you have come to this board. There are so many of us here that can understand what you are going through. Your story sounds so much like mine. I am also 44, no kids. Please consider reading my newcomers story, I am curious if you find it as relatable as I do yours: loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/thread/14923/hopeful-future?page=1#scrollTo=104930

The really good news is that there are many others on this board that are way ahead of us along the recovery road, and their stories and victories offer me enough hope to keep moving forward, one day at a time. If I can't do a day, I will do it hour by hour. I am on this board nearly every day. I have been in recovery for about 9 months, and things have definitely improved, though I have a long way to go.

I have experienced exactly what you described... when I initially separated from my POA (person of addiction) I had withdrawals like: crying at work, not sleeping well, waking up at all hours, feeling hopeless, utterly desperate for relief, angry at myself and the world, hating everything about my life (that anyone else would tell me is pretty good, but they don't have a clue, etc), etc. The hardest part for me was that I really really thought we had something real. I couldn’t believe that at 44 I was wrong AGAIN. This is what drove me into recovery. I am at the point in life where I cannot afford to be wrong again; this last one nearly undid me. In recovery, I have learned so much about myself and why I settle for men that treat me poorly (and more importantly, why I permit it!).

I too suffer from having a reflected sense of self (or, seeing myself through the eyes of others). When we do this, we gain approval and a temporary sense of love and acceptance. But, we give away our power, and we relinquish our ability to have genuine interactions, which is what we are really craving most. With only conterfeit interactions, we end up feeling empty. I have felt empty all my life, but I never new why. A reflected sense of self is why we are so devastated when the men we love leave or are absent.

I always knew I saw myelf through the eyes of others; I thought I was a fraud and something was wrong with me. I have learned in recovery that I developed the skill of seeing myself through the eyes of others as a survival tactic when I was a child, as a way to protect myself from hurt. But this survival skill no longer works, and actually causes more pain than good, so I am discovering my own sense of self. When I first learned that the answer to my issues was "ME" and "me loving me". I was very very disappointed. I didn't think "I" could ever be the answer (what a lame solution). But as I learned to love myself, I find it incredibly rewarding and empowering. That was a huge surprise.

"I am filled with envy that someone who was so rotten to me gets to be happy and I am miserable!!" This is the statement in your post that really spoke to me… I have always thought this, but I have to say that it is NOT true! The truth is that your POA is very unhealthy. There is no “happily ever after” for him or any of us that are unhealthy. The future for him and each of us is to repeat our unhealthy behaviors unless we get into recovery. He is deceptive, unreliable, disengenuious, and untrustworthy. He is going to bring these behaviors to his new relationship and do to his new girlfriend exactly as he did to you, as well as to her children (very sad). I would bet a million bucks they don't like him... kids have an incredible intuition about unhealthy and unsafe people. His girlfriend and her kids may be smiling in the photos, but she is also unhealthy, or she wouldn’t be with him. Unheathy people attract unhealthy people. If she is healthy, she won’t be with him for long, as she will run for the hills his unhealthy tendencies start to show themselves.

“In one day, everything I thought was true was turned upside down. I am feeling rage with nowhere for it to go except to myself, for being so needy and naive and unable to move on to a better life like he has.” I have felt exactly the same way. What I have learned is that I am not “needy”… we all have needs, we just try and meet them in unhealthy ways that lead to disappointment. I'd try to get my needs met by the men I loved, but when they disappointed me, I criticized myself for being “needy” and shifted into a “needless and wantless” posture, so that I wouldn’t come across as “needy”. Living as a needless and wantless person is impossible, because we do have needs and wants. I just had to learn how to meet my own needs, instead of expecting someone else to do so (which I thought was a reasonable expectation, because they loved me. However, this was faulted reasoning.)

Anyway, I don’t want to hijack your posting, but I could comment on your posting for hours. I just want to encourage you to read as much as you can, stay in your 12 step recovery groups, and don’t lose hope, it WILL get better, it really will.

Sincerely, FF

Welcome Jaclyn, You say you cant list 5 positive attributes about yourself: I bet you can. Stand in front of a mirror, and start at the top of your head, and look at yourself, this is all about you now. Not the extensions of you, like your job, where you live or what you drive. This is about you, and the person looking back at you in the mirror. (I do this as well, and I tell myself daily "I love me")

Are you kind and compassionate?
Do you have beautiful eyes? and hair?
What qualities do you have?

And add to this list, and use I AM......

This is how we do our daily affirmations, and if you can only find one good thing about yourself a day, do this for a month, and at the end of the month you will have 30 positive things you can see about yourself. LovelyJune use to say this, and it is very true.

When we are new in recovery, we think we are the only person who has ever been in a bad relationship, and we just keep piling on more negativity on ourselves, we are our own worst enemy. There is nothing to feel guilty or shameful about, you are human and guess what? humans make mistakes, we have to know better in order to do better.

Again welcome, we are all glad you are here, you will find a lot of knowledge and support on this forum.

I am glad you are going to your local 12 step meetings, keep doing this, you will find a lot of comfort in these meetings as well as this forum. You are not alone.

Keep coming back.

I am struggling with the self-esteem exercises too. I write things down but I feel such a disconnect. My brain knows i am a,b,c,d. My brain knows others would agree. But I don't feel an emotional relief at all. Something deep is rejecting it.

Little Fox, I know when I first got into recovery, I was very cynical, and I thought I knew what was best for myself, and I would not listen to a lot my counselor said or suggested to me, at first. (I am not a licensed counselor, I am just sharing my experience, strength, and hope). She told me unless I had tried what she had suggested, that I really did not have any opinion on the subject.

I had been in recovery for 3 years, before I did this exercise, and with time I did believe what I was seeing and hearing in the mirror and I did start to really love myself again, so it does work, it is negative self talk that keeps us in the muck of this stinking thinking.

Also it is not a requirement to believe in a higher power to recover, you can make yourself your higher power, just believe that you can recover.

I was very cynical when I first started this journey, I thought I would just keep doing what I was doing, and doing it my way, and I would heal and just move on with my life, without a lot of discovery about myself, and without really digging deep and trying to heal my pain, well it did not work that way, the same problems kept coming up, over and over again, so I had to look within myself for the answers.

The changes do not happen overnight, it takes time and diligence, and recovery is a process of discovery of oneself, and it is baby steps.

If we are trying to recover on our own and doing it our way only, I can tell you now this is not going to work, nor will it last, we will just keep making the same mistakes over and over again, and expecting a difference result, and in recovery this is called insanity.

So when we get in enough pain, then we will be willing to go to any lengths for our recovery.

And I will say this also, the reason you are feeling naive, powerless, and pitiful about how your poa made you feel, is because this is your ego talking to you, your ego will tell you, you are a failure to have not seen this coming, your ego will tell you all the negative things that you don't want to believe. And the only thing that really matters here, is this, the relationship just did not work, it has nothing to do with you being less of a person because this relationship did not work.

See if it is your little kid on the inside of you hurting? Maybe this is why you feel so fragile, and maybe this is why you feel a need for your poa, and you are right now refusing to let go, it is your adult self? or you little kid? If it is your little kid, comfort her, and let her cry, hold her and let her know you are going to take care of her, and let her know that you will not abandon her now. Just see who is running the show, your little kid? or your adult self?

Recovery is about Progress Not Perfection, so keep coming back

I am with you. I am completely alone in this too. Partly because my PoA and his new gal are part of a small community inwhich i live in. Meetings are very far away from where I live. I dont have any friends who understand. There is an incredible social void that I need to replace with healthy new socializing. Im not cynical. I feel a deep sense of irony in the self-esteem department. I know I am awesome. I am told so all the time. I am told that anyone who meets me whould NEVER guess I have self-esteem issues. So i find it difficult to repair. Or make the reconcilliation rather. You make perfect sense to me.