Post by blueyedoll on Dec 23, 2013 10:16:01 GMT -8
I haven't been on here in quite some time... in fact, I had to create a new username because I couldn't remember the old one. I wanted to share my story, and where i'm at today. Self-esteem is hard to build. I've been working on "me" for sometime (sometime meaning five years)... I've had my up's and down's, but I can see how things have improved in my life. There are some things that I'm most likely going to struggle with for a long time, such as anxiety and social phobia. I've improved my ability to be alone, and if I start to panic (which occasionally happens because something triggered me), I usually try to honor it. Self esteem is kind of a slippery thing for me though. I've been doing well in the sense that I had not engaged in any toxic relationships for the past couple of years. I recently entered a relationship which I thought seemed quite healthy at the beginning (which I suspect most of us do believe this otherwise we wouldn't jump right in).
I think the red flag for me was when he broke-up with me for cheating. The issue was that I didn't cheat nor did I have the intention to cheat... we worked through it, and more things came up. The relationship finally came to an end when I actually did something worthy of ending a relationship (which was being dishonest about something important). I'm surprised at how my self esteem has just taken a nice big plunge downward. I probably shouldn't be terribly amazed, based on the fact that I'm beating myself up on a daily basis for being dishonest. I've accepted that the relationship is over, and in some ways it is a sigh of relief. It's hard being with someone who constantly is looking for "what's wrong with you" (in other words, his own issues were coming up). I feel terribly about what I did because I have such high standards for myself. Even though I have been treated badly in relationships, if I'm aware that I've done it to someone else it's self judgement time. At this point for me, I'm feeling very lonely and struggling with asking for help from friends. Do you know what I mean when I say that I don't want to be a burden? I share with friends, but I try not to call them too frequently or talk about it too much. I feel like it's walking a fine line of exhausting other people with my drama.
So I feel incredibly lonely, because only I know everything that's going on inside. I learned awhile back that it's a good idea to be careful with who I choose to share with. Some people inwardly judge, some people outwardly criticize, and a few people are accepting. My now ex was the type of person who outwardly criticizes, so I lied to him about all of this. I think that's a fairly good indicator of a toxic relationship, but you know how difficult it is when you're still in it. Don't be surprised either when I say that part of me still wants to be with him. That's the unhealthy part of me speaking. I know it's not going to be an uplifting relationship. So, my self esteem isn't doing so great right now... it's kind of sitting on the operating table needing another electric shock. I find myself questioning whether I'm permanently "broken" and if anyone will ever want to be in a relationship with me because of my past. I've worked so hard to move through my past, and I've seen so much progress. I don't do the same things I used to do, and I let myself feel emotion rather than pushing it down. But, I feel like recently the past has come back to bite me in the butt. It makes me wonder whether I have done all of this in vain... or if maybe it's the catalyst for permanently closing that part of my life. It hurts, and I question why this happened to me. I'm angry about it, and I'm angry at myself for letting those things happen. But, truth be told, at the time I was doing the best that I could manage. I didn't know and have what is in my life now ten years ago.
My ex said to me "do me a favor and stop sleeping around with everyone." The comment is haunting me, even though it's not me today. That was me years ago. It was such a piercing and hurtful remark. All I could say was that God knows who I am inside, what I've been through, and where my heart is. I just wonder whether anyone will ever be able to accept that part of me. I'm not perfect, and no one is.
I think the red flag for me was when he broke-up with me for cheating. The issue was that I didn't cheat nor did I have the intention to cheat... we worked through it, and more things came up. The relationship finally came to an end when I actually did something worthy of ending a relationship (which was being dishonest about something important). I'm surprised at how my self esteem has just taken a nice big plunge downward. I probably shouldn't be terribly amazed, based on the fact that I'm beating myself up on a daily basis for being dishonest. I've accepted that the relationship is over, and in some ways it is a sigh of relief. It's hard being with someone who constantly is looking for "what's wrong with you" (in other words, his own issues were coming up). I feel terribly about what I did because I have such high standards for myself. Even though I have been treated badly in relationships, if I'm aware that I've done it to someone else it's self judgement time. At this point for me, I'm feeling very lonely and struggling with asking for help from friends. Do you know what I mean when I say that I don't want to be a burden? I share with friends, but I try not to call them too frequently or talk about it too much. I feel like it's walking a fine line of exhausting other people with my drama.
So I feel incredibly lonely, because only I know everything that's going on inside. I learned awhile back that it's a good idea to be careful with who I choose to share with. Some people inwardly judge, some people outwardly criticize, and a few people are accepting. My now ex was the type of person who outwardly criticizes, so I lied to him about all of this. I think that's a fairly good indicator of a toxic relationship, but you know how difficult it is when you're still in it. Don't be surprised either when I say that part of me still wants to be with him. That's the unhealthy part of me speaking. I know it's not going to be an uplifting relationship. So, my self esteem isn't doing so great right now... it's kind of sitting on the operating table needing another electric shock. I find myself questioning whether I'm permanently "broken" and if anyone will ever want to be in a relationship with me because of my past. I've worked so hard to move through my past, and I've seen so much progress. I don't do the same things I used to do, and I let myself feel emotion rather than pushing it down. But, I feel like recently the past has come back to bite me in the butt. It makes me wonder whether I have done all of this in vain... or if maybe it's the catalyst for permanently closing that part of my life. It hurts, and I question why this happened to me. I'm angry about it, and I'm angry at myself for letting those things happen. But, truth be told, at the time I was doing the best that I could manage. I didn't know and have what is in my life now ten years ago.
My ex said to me "do me a favor and stop sleeping around with everyone." The comment is haunting me, even though it's not me today. That was me years ago. It was such a piercing and hurtful remark. All I could say was that God knows who I am inside, what I've been through, and where my heart is. I just wonder whether anyone will ever be able to accept that part of me. I'm not perfect, and no one is.
