Post by dhafirah on Jan 1, 2014 12:04:10 GMT -8
I have had panic attacks since I was around 18 years old. I didn't know what they were at the time but years later I found out. Anyway, I have been in therapy since 2011 for anxiety. I was getting them under control and doing better overall. Lately my panic attacks are back and stronger than ever. On Sunday I took my kids to the park. I was looking up at the trees and I started thinking how tall they were. Then this overwhelming feeling came over me and I started thinking how my kids and I are the only family who lives in Texas and how my dreams of being with my POA were dashed (he would have been an addition to the family). I started freaking out and had to stand up from the bench I was sitting on. I told the kids we had to go home because I was not feeling well. Of course, they did not want to hear that. We started walking towards the car and a lady started talking to me. I was able to focus and answer her and that seemed to help me snap out of my panic.
Yesterday, I took the kids to a restaurant. I wanted to order the food and leave but the kids wanted to stay and eat. I wanted to please them because I feel like they have so much to deal with not having their father (not the POA) in their lives and other situations. Anyway, we sat and ate and my kids was asking me about tattoos. I remembered that my POA has tattoos and how much we talked about them before we even met. This thought sent a trigger and I felt panicky all over. It felt surreal and scary. I looked at the people in the restaurant and felt like an outsider. It was strange. I even thought it showed, but my kids didn't say anything (and they would if they noticed). I asked God for Help and eventually I was able to calm down and enjoy a meal with the kids.
Now I am somewhat afraid to go out in public. I feel safer in my home. I have had POA's in the past but this time is different. I think it's because I know that I have a serious problem and I cannot blame it on being in love or that my POA was completely at fault. I cannot act out like I used to and justify it for being heartbroken (I honestly thought it was).
Also I am realizing how much my childhood has impacted me and I am scared to analyze what I was actually feeling as a child. I thought I survived my childhood well considering, but now I know that I felt alone and was left to myself many times to make myself happy and entertained in the home. I could stay in my room for hours drawing, reading, or playing. It was my choice to be in my room because I could be myself and away from the tension. I felt okay then, but now I realized this is not normal and would not want to see my kids do this. When I used to have panic attacks while living with my parents I thought I was dying and would actually call a preacher late at night for him to pray for me. Now I think when I feel abandoned or not able to get a grip on what happened those fears come up again and I no longer feel safe and secure. And then comes the anxiety.
Yesterday, I took the kids to a restaurant. I wanted to order the food and leave but the kids wanted to stay and eat. I wanted to please them because I feel like they have so much to deal with not having their father (not the POA) in their lives and other situations. Anyway, we sat and ate and my kids was asking me about tattoos. I remembered that my POA has tattoos and how much we talked about them before we even met. This thought sent a trigger and I felt panicky all over. It felt surreal and scary. I looked at the people in the restaurant and felt like an outsider. It was strange. I even thought it showed, but my kids didn't say anything (and they would if they noticed). I asked God for Help and eventually I was able to calm down and enjoy a meal with the kids.
Now I am somewhat afraid to go out in public. I feel safer in my home. I have had POA's in the past but this time is different. I think it's because I know that I have a serious problem and I cannot blame it on being in love or that my POA was completely at fault. I cannot act out like I used to and justify it for being heartbroken (I honestly thought it was).
Also I am realizing how much my childhood has impacted me and I am scared to analyze what I was actually feeling as a child. I thought I survived my childhood well considering, but now I know that I felt alone and was left to myself many times to make myself happy and entertained in the home. I could stay in my room for hours drawing, reading, or playing. It was my choice to be in my room because I could be myself and away from the tension. I felt okay then, but now I realized this is not normal and would not want to see my kids do this. When I used to have panic attacks while living with my parents I thought I was dying and would actually call a preacher late at night for him to pray for me. Now I think when I feel abandoned or not able to get a grip on what happened those fears come up again and I no longer feel safe and secure. And then comes the anxiety.
