Post by Anna on Feb 21, 2014 12:20:41 GMT -8
Right now, I don't have a PoA. I am getting a divorce from my abusive husband. It should be final in about 2 months. We've been married for 12 years and I've been knowing for about 7 of those years that we needed to get a divorce but I couldn't leave because of feeling dependent upon him - being ADDICTED to being with someone. He abused me throughout the marriage. He demeaned me verbally, sexually, has hit me, refused to go to the hospital with me when I was sick, he has been mean to our kids. I knew I needed to leave.[/p]
About 6 years ago, I tried to find someone else to latch onto to help me leave him, except that the person I latched onto was also a loser. He lived with a woman much older than him. He was 38 and never married. He had a child and didn't support her and he worked sporadically. I enjoyed having sex with this person but he was not someone to rely on, nor was he someone to love. I thought I was in love with him, but I realize now I was not - he was just a PoA. I carried on an affair with this person for about a month and realized he was not for me when he asked me to leave my kids with my husband if I wanted to be with him. That wasn't about to happen. I confessed the affair to my abusive husband and broke it off. Well, my husband got WAYYYYY more abusive, though he promised to try and fix things in our marriage through therapy. That didn't work because all our therapy sessions were just blaming sessions and we never got to the root of our marital problems. My husband started doing really demeaning sexual things to me as punishment for sleeping with another man. That was the first and only affair I ever had.
I really would love to heal, become a "normal" person and get into a real, healthy relationship. I just know this is going to take some time. I don't know if I can wait that long. I feel overwhelmingly ALONE and lonely right now. I have the urge to have sex with someone and to have some kind of dramatic love relationship. There is a stable, nice guy that I like. He is a single custodial father and our kids are friends. I suspect he likes me, too. Things are moving s-l-o-w-l-y like they're supposed to with normal people. I have managed to not give away the fact that I'm an LA to this guy - no crazy antics, no obsessiveness, no seductiveness, he has no knowledge of my past shenanigans, though he knows I'm divorcing an abusive spouse. I know enough now about how normal people act to act that way. Right now, we are friends but there is some mild flirtation. I am wanting it to move much more quickly. I would so totally sleep with this person, but I know that would mess things up badly and negate any chances for a real relationship and real LOVE - the kind that develops over time.
I have a chance now...even if it doesn't work out, there may be other chances. How do I slow down and just let this happen? I guess there are ways to take care of sexual urges on one's own but the urge for romance? I almost can't take it. I feel so, so alone.
