Chrissy
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 75
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Post by Chrissy on Oct 14, 2008 3:24:16 GMT -8
As woman who love too much, we like to believe that we are capable of deep intimacy even though our partners aren't . However [before recovery] we all tend to choose as partners people who are capable of the same level of intimacy as we are.
If our partners cannot tolerate intimacy, we're with them probably with them because we can't either. Because closeness actually feels threatening. it's easier for us to keep wishing for it to actually live with it.
Ironically, when we stop defining a partner as "the problem" a greater degree of intimacy gradually becomes possible between us. [/center]
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 14, 2008 4:18:25 GMT -8
This is the saddest thing I have read all day and it simply makes me feel hopeless, like a failure...like this break up was so much more my doing than i would like to admit. I blamed him (in my mind) everyday for putting walls up...for closing off to me, for being so cold and unable to love and FEEL...This entry tells me that i was essentially the cold one. The one unable to feel or be intimate. i am having a moment of self LOATHING and regret.
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Chrissy
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 75
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Post by Chrissy on Oct 14, 2008 6:07:11 GMT -8
I don't see it that way Telmita...this quote is a generelazation not gospel... You set boundaries..that is progress...don't blame yourself..
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Post by Judy on Oct 14, 2008 10:29:23 GMT -8
Hi everyone -- Sorry you are feeling so strongly about that quote, T. I think it is a very interesting quote and think that in some respects it applies to me.
In your case, since you share quite openly on these boards, and quite honestly, it doesn't sound to me like what you have described as your attitude and actions in your recent relationship.
I think fear of intimacy is quite different than setting boundaries. It sounds to me from your description of the relationship over these past months that it was loving, on both sides. However, there were certain conditions that you needed for your own serenity and health that he could not meet.
I would not underestimate the pot smoking. That, for me, would be a huge issue. I have a very good friend who smokes pot. I adore him and we have a great platonic time when we see each other However, I could never live with him. I could never have an intimate relationship with him. The pot issue would be an automatic wall that would go up no matter how much I loved him. (This is not meant as a condemnation or condoning of pot smoking - I am only speaking for myself!)
Maybe these feelings of doubt you are having are normal after a break-up. Especailly one that was in all other aspects caring. I hope with time all the doubts fade and you are at peace with the decision you have made.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 14, 2008 12:34:22 GMT -8
Telmita, these remarks by Robin Norwood are a generalization about women who are not in recovery and who pick an unavailable man over and over again and don't get out. The fact that you recognized that this man was not right for you and got out means this does not apply to you.
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 15, 2008 2:50:47 GMT -8
Hello All, and thanks for your responses!
I recognized a little bit that he was not right for me and i was getting there, trying to leave, but still hoping and holding on- nothing too dramatic-- just wanting to see if things could work out. But I didn't entirely get out on my own. He forced closure upon me by saying he didn't love me anymore. And now I am trying to deal with accepting that. I didn't mean to sound so dismal about my previous comment. I think what happened was that i was getting so caught up in blaming him for his walls and coldness that I was not able to see my own. We ALL play a part in a relationship's success or failure. And this affirmation by Norwood served as a HUGE ENLIGHTENMENT.
I am not going to like or be able to process everything i read on these boards. But certain things, like this, really hit me deeply.
Tracy
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