30 Red Flags

thanks Rob. Very interesting. I only find maybe 1-2 of these in my current r'ship. But like you, I saw 1 or 2 that i've done in our r'ship too. (eye opening!)

Which begs the question--if only 1-2 of these are present, and not in a major way to cause overt trouble, is the r'ship still worth keeping?

Or is it an all or nothing thing? I would think it depends on the frequency/severity of the 'bad habit' ...

Wow! I love this list. Very eye opening! But I gotta tell you, D and I are both guilty of MANY things on this list--though not at the same time and in very small doses. In other words, if I really look at the dynamic of how we communicate--or rather when we get into arguments, traces of many of these red flags can be found. So, what does that mean? Well, the MAIN thing with red flags is that they are mostly subjective. To me, someone who smokes pot is a HUGE red flag. To someone else (who might also smoke pot) that's a plus. The second thing is, while some of these issues are clearly red flags in large doses (lies and excuses), in trace amounts they are manageable. No one communicates perfectly. I can be guilty of talking a lot more than usual about my exes (not so much anymore, but still more than usual) and focusing on D's mistakes, not my own; D can be guilty of not putting himself in my shoes and having a limited startle response. We can both be judgmental about others who live differently than we do, and we both expect the other can just read our minds (not sure if that's a bad thing, or just a human thing). At any rate, take this list with a grain of salt. D and I deeply love each other, respect each other, don't fight often, and communicate really well. UNLESS we're both sick or tired or upset about something else. In that case, we can bicker and argue and our two inner children come out and don't play nicely.

Like requin said, most (not all) of the items on this list depend on frequency and severity, and what YOU personally can tolerate.

Agreed. I've been reading them again and some of the comments at the bottom.

My bf (or ex..whatever, I'm hoping we'll get back together, we split last Tue after a fight) has a bit of a tendency towards #22 (lots of 'crazy' ppl in his past). It makes me wonder what he'd say about me after the fact. I can't remember him ever once taking any blame for the end of any r'ship. Even the ones where he didn't label the woman something negative, he doesn't really explain why it ended. (So in that case, was it him? If so, he won't fess up to that.)

I tend to do #11 a little bit..(talk about exes) but not so much to 'brag' they still want me, more because that was my life before current bf, and it's the only life I know. For example if we go to such and such place, I might say, "C (ex husband) and I came here once and a neighbor from my childhood was sitting next to us." Anecdotes like that. I don't mean anything by it, but I do think it sort of bothers him. I could simply say, "I was here once and.." and leave out the reference to the ex. Something to think about and work on.

I like this list, thanks for sharing this, lots of good stuff here to ponder.

Oh and my ex-POA of 15 years fit most of this stuff, although we had a long distance romance and he wasn't on social media so some of it doesn't apply. He has NPD (narcisstic personality disorder) (fits a checklist of that to a T) so needless to say he fits most of the behavior on this red flag list too. And that bit about how a person like that can make you feel insane, suicidal, drained, shocked, empty--ha ha that's for sure!! I lived like that for years....