4. Know the difference between dating and desperation. Are you ok with just you? Or are you looking for someone to save you? Can you handle being alone? Or do you hate your life because it’s missing a soulmate? Is it a combination of both of these things? Knowing what is driving your desire to date can have a huge impact on WHO YOU CHOOSE to date. If you are OK within yourself then you can be far more discerning with whom you choose to date. Why? Because you have nothing to lose. You’re not dating out of need or desperation to fill a void. You are simply dating because you would like to meet someone that you can enjoy. Period. A love addict has to be on constant alert of his or her personal motives. If you feel a void within you, you may pick and choose prospective dates for the wrong reasons. You may be willing to overlook red flags, put up with abuse or neglect, or date “down,” all for the purpose of stuffing that void within you. Remember, when we date, we are not looking for our second half. We are not looking to be “completed.” We must begin to understand that we are complete, as is. And if we don’t feel complete on our own, we need to bring ourselves there first. Healthy dating is about meeting other people who are also complete.
Yes! It's amazing how you hit the nail on the head every time, June. I'm not brown nosing here...I am just truly amazed at how much what you write resonates with me and how much it has helped me already on my journey of recovery that has only been going on for at most 2 months now.
On the dating "down" thing - I have gone on dates with people who (God help them - I feel sorry for them) had SERIOUS mental problems. Even after finding this stuff out, I STILL continued to date them! It was all about "having someone." I have dated guys who were into "swinging" - I am not into that at all myself, one of my values is 100% faithfulness and integrity...but I kept dating the guys knowing it would never work out just to avoid being alone.
I have 2 graduate degrees and don't earn a lot of money, still, it's going to be hard to find someone who is "up there" in education (important to me - not a value though) even if they're "down there" in income (like me - but they MUST be gainfully employed). I am getting more and more used to the idea of waiting on that guy though, instead of dating people with whom I share nothing in common and who even look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them some of my beliefs.