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Post by ~w~ on Oct 11, 2014 5:33:30 GMT -8
From early teenagers i was thinking of suicide, but was to coward to do anything.. I suffer ftok low self esteam and at the mo i feel like giving up. It is like a circle slways comes back. Today am in bed, was thinking off reading a books lol or start packing in few weeks i have to move. Hate myself .. Cannot move a finger.. Have no motivation.. Whats the point?? I guess head is a mess and thats why house is a mess... Kids went to their dad. Perfect time to die. No one rings or cares .. Its usually i have to ring ppl. Feel guilty for feeling low!!!!!!!!! Feel guilty for bring lazy cow.. Feel guilty that i was born!! There is no one i cannt talk about this.. Ppl say be strong!!! My sis said you have healthy kids mange on your own in foreign contry you have to be greatfull for what you got? Do i xxck?!! I feel guilty to feel down to feel miserable for failling my kids, for not having plans for future. No goals. No happines. Maybe my bf is right my kids better with their dad brcause i am ill. Just want to sleep sleep and never wake up. Dont feel sorryfor me it was my life since i was born, my mum expected me to be boy, i had to wear my sisters clothers and my dad use to call me names. Why do i have to live? Whats the point? My sun keeps reapeating hes not happy living with me.. !@#$% that,,, i give up. Its like a slow death. Kids better off.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 11, 2014 6:55:32 GMT -8
~w~, you are not alone I feel suicidal too. I feel that no one cares and I feel like there is no point in living. (In my "self-esteem story" you would find that I was rejected too.) And you know what? We are in a great company since many great leaders, athletes, artists, feel the same way too. Especially after reaching the top. Suicide thoughts come to me often. I also found a close friend who feels the same way too and sometimes we would make a joke out of it. We have known each other for nearly 20 years and we are still alive and kicking up to now. These are just feelings that come and go. When we feel this way it is because we are focusing on the "wrong territory". Our thoughts need to be filtered. We can reject any thought or idea that puts us down or tear us apart and replace them with words that build us up. It can help to meditate on the scriptural promises. By the way, I have met a cancer survivor in a meeting who has no regular income, no family support, have suffered from abuse and have all the reasons to end her life. But she never gave up and fix her eyes on God. She drew her strength, courage, and hope in him. Her faith inspired me to keep the good fight. Also, when I learned the story of Joyce Meyer and how all (bad) things turned out for her good, it gave me courage and renewed hope. God is not finished with you and me yet. Your son can still be changed and your relationship with him be restored. Let us just hold on to the One who never fails. "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
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Post by ~w~ on Oct 11, 2014 7:46:47 GMT -8
~w~, you are not alone I feel suicidal too. I feel that no one cares and I feel like there is no point in living. (In my "self-esteem story" you would find that I was rejected too.) And you know what? We are in a great company since many great leaders, athletes, artists, feel the same way too. Especially after reaching the top. Suicide thoughts come to me often. I also found a close friend who feels the same way too and sometimes we would make a joke out of it. We have known each other for nearly 20 years and we are still alive and kicking up to now. These are just feelings that come and go. When we feel this way it is because we are focusing on the "wrong territory". Our thoughts need to be filtered. We can reject any thought or idea that puts us down or tear us apart and replace them with words that build us up. It can help to meditate on the scriptural promises. By the way, I have met a cancer survivor in a meeting who has no regular income, no family support, have suffered from abuse and have all the reasons to end her life. But she never gave up and fix her eyes on God. She drew her strength, courage, and hope in him. Her faith inspired me to keep the good fight. Also, when I learned the story of Joyce Meyer and how all (bad) things turned out for her good, it gave me courage and renewed hope. God is not finished with you and me yet. Your son can still be changed and your relationship with him be restored. Let us just hold on to the One who never fails. "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
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Post by ~w~ on Oct 11, 2014 7:52:23 GMT -8
Thank you Codepnomore, i cried and stay in bed all day. Then slept, feel like a walking shadow. Started thinking about my inner child. Was taking some notes, and found few pics with my parents. Feel physicaly sick from the thoughts,but am still here.i give you big hug and my pryers to you. God give us stenghts to accept the past and grow and fulfill our hearts with love for overselves, and ppl arround. am here if you need me! big Hug!
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 11, 2014 8:07:35 GMT -8
~w~, awww...Do you know that you are such a wonderful person? I am touched by your kindness. Imagine even you are feeling low, you are wishing me well. Thank you very much. I like you. You are a sweetheart. The world n e e d s you! It is good to cry and take care of your inner child. Hang in there. Sending you my hugs and prayers too.
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Post by ~w~ on Oct 11, 2014 8:34:07 GMT -8
I feel like we are family here( bit strange i guess) its so good to share how ever we feel and not to be judged. I think am very concentrated on myself and my feelings and do not give back to others because i dont know what to say. I do feel selfish and ignorant. Me me me. My bf will move out this week to give me space, i want and we still will be together.... Sex is great! !! I think its going to be only friend with benefits. Even if he wants more.. I know am not ok to be in relationship... So scary at same time. I feel like you are my sister codepnomore:) big hug! Am here anytime.x
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Post by ~w~ on Oct 12, 2014 2:11:49 GMT -8
~w~, awww...Do you know that you are such a wonderful person? I am touched by your kindness. Imagine even you are feeling low, you are wishing me well. Thank you very much. I like you. You are a sweetheart. The world n e e d s you! It is good to cry and take care of your inner child. Hang in there. Sending you my hugs and prayers too. .
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Post by ~w~ on Oct 12, 2014 2:18:31 GMT -8
Aww am so touched am just trying be me went all shy :DD like a little girl first day to school .. I want to share some worlds with you.... . ***Sometimes you have to let your eyes do the listening. We often open our ears to hear what's being said, when it's the actions that will prove to be the most understood language. ***If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were. ***Don't look back, you won't see where you're going.*. ***Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. ***Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ***The mind has to be empty to see clearly.***I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.***Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it. ***The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand. ***Before your dreams can come true, you have to have those dreams.***Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one is watching.***A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails. ***To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. **Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. **If you knew you would die tommorrow, how would you treat and react to those you love today?"have a good day! X
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Post by SandyLove on Oct 12, 2014 8:03:21 GMT -8
Dear Waterlili, Glad it sounds like you are feeling better. I imagine there are many of us on these boards who have had experiences with ideas of suicide or thoughts close to that. I know I have. I always remember, moods are like the weather, they are like the ocean waves, they are ALWAYS CHANGING. Just because we feel absolutely hopeless, destitute, depressed, that does not mean that happiness and a better life are not around the corner. This is what always keeps me going. Time changes things. Love addiction is a curable disease. Miracles happen. God works. Have faith and have patience, and don't do anything rash or that the larger group/higher power would not agree is the best course of action. Keep expressing ideas here and you will find answers and things will get better.
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Post by ~w~ on Oct 12, 2014 8:25:37 GMT -8
Thank you Amy25, you are right i agree its like a wheather, but for me is more like a circle, it comes back with bigger urge to be expresed. 4 years back i was worse, but i believed or hoped ill be better, today i see myself in same situation only face changed. I am different tho because i was looking for help and advise. Thank you.x how you feeling yourself?
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Post by SandyLove on Oct 12, 2014 12:40:07 GMT -8
waterlilli, i was much worse back in the past for sure. much worse. having nothing to do with love addiction but just terrible depression, suicidal type depression. the past five years have been up and down, struggling with love addiction that i thought was just depression since i didn't know what love addiction was. learning about love addiction has helped me A LOT. I used to have anxiety about taking the subway, some fear that I might jump in the subway tracks. I told a psychiatrist about it, he said not to worry since "people who have anxiety about suicide usually don't do it." but nonetheless this condition plagued me for about a year. Since I have started to go regularly at least 4x week to SLAA meetings and talk about this condition and my feelings, my fears about the subway almost disappeared. I still have difficult moments and I have a lot of anger in my system, but I am working the steps and I hope that much of my anger can be relieved by that process, and just going to meetings gives me hope, hope that I can be happy with just being myself and even that i might one day actually have a "healthy" relationship.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 12, 2014 18:12:26 GMT -8
I feel like we are family here( bit strange i guess) its so good to share how ever we feel and not to be judged. I think am very concentrated on myself and my feelings and do not give back to others because i dont know what to say. I do feel selfish and ignorant. Me me me. My bf will move out this week to give me space, i want and we still will be together.... Sex is great! !! I think its going to be only friend with benefits. Even if he wants more.. I know am not ok to be in relationship... So scary at same time. I feel like you are my sister codepnomore:) big hug! Am here anytime.x We are indeed like a family here. Though we may have different cultures, beliefs, colors, etc, but we share the common issue of love addiction. You are a newcomer here and so like a newborn baby in the family; it is expected that a baby needs more attention and care. Friends with benefits can even be worse than going steady. Since sex without commitment makes it for free and can cause the couple engaging in it more irresponsible and unsafe too. For anyone reading this thread, I just want to add that suicidal thoughts are not that uncommon and that even the most successful can have these thoughts every now and then. But this only means we have to guard our thought life and not let our feelings mislead us. Rather let us acknowledge that life is a precious gift and must be enjoyed and spent purposefully.PS: Thanks for your sweet and nice posts. Hope you will focus more on your beautiful traits.
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Post by ~w~ on Oct 13, 2014 4:33:13 GMT -8
Ohhh thats soo sweet feeling like a baby:D i know that i dont know nothing.lol
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 8, 2015 22:52:01 GMT -8
Had a terrible evening lost control over . Was planning go bed early sooo tired . Kids had none off that and being a mum sometimes I think it's the worse feeling ever , when kids getting so nasty or say things to blackmail me emotionally ...,it's like they brought all the best and same time all the worse in me. By stepping out off my boundaries how mum should behave ! Felt suicidale yesterday what is the point ? I do as much as I can , but there never enough attention exct . Just very sad . No shoulder to cry.
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 9, 2015 12:07:16 GMT -8
Had very good day and tried not to think about yesterday am only human being after all. Read lovely June stories and copied some thoughts for me.
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 26, 2015 8:09:51 GMT -8
Mostly off my life I feel miserable and angry. Kids wants so much attention and drive me nuts somedays. Especially when I feel so depressed ( struggle meet my ends, struggle with self esteem, struggle find positivity ). Today I hate my life. Want to cry cry cry. Life and year keep passing by but what did I learned? Do I enjoy my life. Sometimes.. The others 80 proc off time I feel sad miserable angry tired. What is the for me in life? Where my dreams gone? What's is it more: disappointments , fear, depression .. Maybe it would be better dead , pain off disappointment off myself is stronger that wish to live. It's nuo life it's just constant worry and struggle.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 26, 2015 9:20:47 GMT -8
Dear ~w~, You are too precious in the eyes of your Creator to feel that way. He cares for you even if your emotions say otherwise. Hang in there. This too shall pass. Please pray more and worry no more. Just one day at a time.
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 26, 2015 10:41:34 GMT -8
Then why he wants me to suffer to feel that I failed in my life . Why my friends keep leaving my life what is wrong with me? I don't want to struggle financially bt how to earn more money? And also be there for kids? What I am doing wrong in my life that it always goes circles.. ? Who is there to share my burdens , and support me my kids? Yucky thoughts
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Post by James C T on Jan 26, 2015 11:49:23 GMT -8
Then why he wants me to suffer to feel that I failed in my life . Why my friends keep leaving my life what is wrong with me? I don't want to struggle financially bt how to earn more money? And also be there for kids? What I am doing wrong in my life that it always goes circles.. ? Who is there to share my burdens , and support me my kids? Yucky thoughts Does he want you to feel that you failed or suffer (your conclusion) or does he want you to learn something or change your attitude (possible alternative)? Some friends leave because it's time for them to go. Some friends leave because you need to not have them in your life. Some friends leave to teach you how much you need them in specific and how much you need friends in general. If you're going in circles, it's because your refusing to do something differently. What that something is I don't know. What I do know, from me, is that sometimes I reach a conclusion that I have to give up or at least accept the possibility that said conclusion is wrong. For instance, I insisted to myself that I had to endure my ex-wife's shenanigans because I had to be there for my granddaughter. But eventually I reluctantly decided that I needed to be done with my ex-wife more than I needed to be there for my granddaughter and I had to pray that the Higher Power would take care of the granddaughter. I did that and things are better. And other people and things have filled the gap I was filling. Do I miss seeing my granddaughter? Yes. But had I continued on without making that choice, the one I didn't want to make, I'd be insane by now. My foster daughter I'm sure believes I hate her because I have her do things she doesn't want to do. But it's precisely because I love her that I make her pick up toys, etc. Change your perspective, change your world.
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 26, 2015 13:19:03 GMT -8
Thank you for reply. I do feel like I failed . Also that it's hard to make friendships - life lasting. Maybe it's just my values are to high? I got feeling that ppl are pitying me. That victim impression I really do hate. But situation is so difficult and that's why I feel low . I have 1 amazing friend ( 8 years friendship on an off) she's is in love triangle herself..... I guess it's true about approach I've got few ppl who would want to be in my shoes (education wise, language skills, driving). Maybe I need to learn smth... I just ordered book of Joyce Meyer actually 2. I recommend it for you as well, she touches my heart and soothes the pain. Bless you
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 26, 2015 14:34:06 GMT -8
I am reading a book called "Care of the Soul." It is reminding me of what I have known since early recovery. We must be philosophical about life.
We are each on a separate journey. On my journey I am deeply flawed. I have a personality, according to my therapists, who draws in negative attention. He says it is to displace my depression. There is a long explanation for this, but suffice it to say that not all of us are sociable and make friends easily. My daughter was sociable. Starting in nursery school every one loved her. I was bullied and isolated when I was that age. What I am trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are just on a different path. God creates as many personalities as he does flowers. We are all differently and perfectly perfect. Just teach yourself to love yourself warts and all, as they say in AA.
This does not mean we stop all forms of self-improvement, it just means we are always a work in progress.
P.S. I used to say "warts and all" in AA. Once I was on television and the camera angle caught the wart on my chin. I was horrified until I remember this expression.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 26, 2015 14:44:17 GMT -8
Mostly all of my life I feel miserable and angry. Well, let's look at the bright side. All of that is behind you now. Wave goodbye. Start a new journey of optimism and change.
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 26, 2015 14:49:44 GMT -8
Thank you that makes such a sence. My daughter is very sociable as well , pupil shouts her in every event school park. She easily find friends. My son he's more closed. I was abandoned from early age. I was strong when I still needed support and love. I was afraid off loneliness for long long time. Now I understand I can be pretty happy on my own, that's why am waterlili and grow up in the water . Not surrender by flowers but by nature:)) looll poetic shall I say:) thank you once more I guess my path it's just be happy whit what I ve got. X
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 26, 2015 14:50:01 GMT -8
Lovely pictures.xx
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 27, 2015 7:21:26 GMT -8
Then why he wants me to suffer to feel that I failed in my life . Why my friends keep leaving my life what is wrong with me? I don't want to struggle financially bt how to earn more money? And also be there for kids? What I am doing wrong in my life that it always goes circles.. ? Who is there to share my burdens , and support me my kids? Yucky thoughts He/HP is not finished with you yet. Also, people make their own choices. Sometimes it is good or right and sometimes it is bad or wrong. God never makes mistake. We do. But it does not matter how much we have failed or made mistakes, each day we are given a new chance to learn from them and start anew. Your HP is there to support you, but you need to do your part too. Trust and follow his leads and leave the result to him. Be your own best friend and be grateful for your life. The rest will follow. Because how can you attract good friends when you, yourself is not good enough for you? Live one day at a time and learn to trust more your HP. Treat him as your lifetime best friend.
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 27, 2015 15:02:48 GMT -8
Good worlds codepnomore , I do listen to joyce Meyer just ordered 2 books. I think I sooo got to used to be miserable mostly off my time , that I need to learn joy again. I am happier then I was in few month back that's for sure. And more involved with kids, exct . But something is keeping me to my past and my struggles. As if it will never ends. .. I made an effort to meet my friend 2 weekend in the row. Plus took my boy Footbal , math club . And also drinking loafs off water and somedays I choose healthier options for food. I do think maybe all in own time will fall to places. I still grieving for poa and I miss him. I understand I have to realy work this time on building relationships. The most important it's relationship with me. I hope I'll start therapy soon. I am really greatfull Susan for this forum and your continues support admin, codepnomore xxxx
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Post by ~w~ on Feb 26, 2015 5:53:54 GMT -8
I guess my second name could be miserable . I cryed again at work. And mostly off my time I am just sad . Yesterday enjoyer nice walk with kids after school . Today feel like failure .. Applied in some trust for financial help. And I couldn't even talk when assistant on the phone ask me questions. I said I was homeless 4 years back, then temporary housing and now in trial house for year.. He said will help you I kept sobbing . Am 35 sitting on my lunch brake in the car and sobbing... Jesus what a miserable life. Feel like charity case.am thinking and thinking how to pull myself from this financial hole ? Part time not enough. But working full time will not see kids that much... ? I am scared my kids be that miserable as me. Tomorrow's theraphy . Lol 10 sessions left should be greatfull .. Why I am not? It's no one I can talk to so I am taking here with myself. Btw reading joyce Meyer book when I can. Not sure about forgiveness. ? It's difficult one... Also move on from the old self. Pity , sarcastic, angry. Oh well
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 26, 2015 16:48:13 GMT -8
This is for you...
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Post by ~w~ on Feb 27, 2015 6:59:01 GMT -8
Thank you. I survived during the pain feeling like going crazy woke up 3am cryed cryed cryed. Am still here . Amen .
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 28, 2015 3:55:32 GMT -8
Please go seek help. Call a hotline. Speak to someone. Just surviving is not good enough. You need stronger support. Tell me, who can you reach out to?
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