Post by tryingtoovercome on Jan 25, 2015 10:26:22 GMT -8
I'm not even sure if this is the right place for me. I'm not just a love addict but a sex addict too. And heck shopping, alcohol, food- whatever. I switch it around but my worst one is the sex/love one. The last time I was on here probably a year or two ago I felt like I didn't fit in. And I wasn't committed enough to recovery so I relapsed for a long time and stopped visiting this forum because I wasn't trying to be sober. Six months ago I had a very angry wife who caught her husband and I together and she came after me full throttle. Not only did she try to out me to my hubs- she outed me to his family and my family. I was able to convince everyone it wasn't true- even though it was. That was another bottom for me. I've been trying for the past 6 months to stay sober but as the book "No Stones" would say- I'm white knuckling it. I've had small slips but mostly been able to stay on track. The problem is- obviously- that not coming clean to everyone means I'm still hiding in secret. No one but one girlfriend of mine knows somewhat of the truth. She knows I was having an affair. She also knows I've told her I'm a sex and love addict but she doesn't know my abusive childhood, how far my addiction went, and really how this addiction works etc. I wanted to finally tell my story. I desperately need to tell my story. I need someone to validate it and be a witness to it. She knew how upset I am and how lonely I feel my recovery is. And then... She cancelled on me. After two weeks of me trying to build myself up to be brave, vulnerable and finally completely honest about how sick I really am and she cancels. It's like calling the suicide hotline and getting a busy signal. This is partly why I'm addicted in the first place. I don't have a support system at all. My entire life the message I've gotten from people is that no one REALLY wants to know the real me or be my friend. They just want the party- fun side of me. No one wants to get serious. Talk about issues or problems. No one wants to know the ugly sides of me and show that I can still be loved in spite of my problems and shortcomings. I'm finally trying to reach out and it's so scary and I get my hand slapped. No one cares. No one will be there for me. No one can be trusted with me and my heart. Everyone will always leave me. I shouldn't get attached. I can't be vulnerable because either they will use it against me or leave me because they can't handle the truth. I can't show my emotions or people won't like me. My emotions aren't valid. I'm just a baby. I'm selfish. I feel so alone.