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Post by tryingtoovercome on Jan 25, 2015 10:26:22 GMT -8
I'm not even sure if this is the right place for me. I'm not just a love addict but a sex addict too. And heck shopping, alcohol, food- whatever. I switch it around but my worst one is the sex/love one. The last time I was on here probably a year or two ago I felt like I didn't fit in. And I wasn't committed enough to recovery so I relapsed for a long time and stopped visiting this forum because I wasn't trying to be sober. Six months ago I had a very angry wife who caught her husband and I together and she came after me full throttle. Not only did she try to out me to my hubs- she outed me to his family and my family. I was able to convince everyone it wasn't true- even though it was. That was another bottom for me. I've been trying for the past 6 months to stay sober but as the book "No Stones" would say- I'm white knuckling it. I've had small slips but mostly been able to stay on track. The problem is- obviously- that not coming clean to everyone means I'm still hiding in secret. No one but one girlfriend of mine knows somewhat of the truth. She knows I was having an affair. She also knows I've told her I'm a sex and love addict but she doesn't know my abusive childhood, how far my addiction went, and really how this addiction works etc. I wanted to finally tell my story. I desperately need to tell my story. I need someone to validate it and be a witness to it. She knew how upset I am and how lonely I feel my recovery is. And then... She cancelled on me. After two weeks of me trying to build myself up to be brave, vulnerable and finally completely honest about how sick I really am and she cancels. It's like calling the suicide hotline and getting a busy signal. This is partly why I'm addicted in the first place. I don't have a support system at all. My entire life the message I've gotten from people is that no one REALLY wants to know the real me or be my friend. They just want the party- fun side of me. No one wants to get serious. Talk about issues or problems. No one wants to know the ugly sides of me and show that I can still be loved in spite of my problems and shortcomings. I'm finally trying to reach out and it's so scary and I get my hand slapped. No one cares. No one will be there for me. No one can be trusted with me and my heart. Everyone will always leave me. I shouldn't get attached. I can't be vulnerable because either they will use it against me or leave me because they can't handle the truth. I can't show my emotions or people won't like me. My emotions aren't valid. I'm just a baby. I'm selfish. I feel so alone.
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 25, 2015 12:11:34 GMT -8
I lost 2 friends and a poa in very short time. Then I stayed away from all ppl at all, just like a hurt animal needed space. Every single day I broked down to pieces and died... Had suicidal thoughts .. But yet I started reading books, and started writing here. Only the true will set you free. Stop lying to yourself . That's the first thing. Set your heart free from lies. You are in the right place I am sex and love addict too. You have us here for you and here you have support. Am still in raw place. But with the time I am getting used to enjoy my freedom by being on my own. the sacrifice it's scary at the begging but you cannot move till you make some actions. Reading books, writing the journal .. Easy steps first. admitting what you know the addiction is your first step. Keep writing here. And sharing your life.
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Post by tryingtoovercome on Jan 26, 2015 3:45:27 GMT -8
Thankfully another friend who is in the middle of divorcing her addict husband was free last night. I really just went to her to be her ear and shoulder but she ended up being mine too. She had no idea and I outed myself to her. I am realizing more things this time around than I did last time. I'm starting to really understand how I got here. I'm starting to use the label "abuse". I always knew I was traumatized but I was never willing to use the word "abused". But it's the true word although it's still heartbreaking to say it. I picked up a lot of good ideas from the No Stones book. I know that I have to try and do this slowly with small steps. Every time I start trying to take it in huge chunks I panic and get depressed and feel like I can't do it. That it's too much. The hardest thing is making that decision every day that I WANT this and that there is joy outside of this addiction. Knowing that you are still raw this far in makes me a little nervous. But I guess you don't heal from years of dysfunction in a few months/years.
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Post by rwatson on Jan 27, 2015 18:06:15 GMT -8
Recovery starts with yourself, and the strength of your desire to improve your quality of life.
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 2, 2015 3:56:54 GMT -8
Hang in there. You are at The Beginning. But you have to make a commitment. Without a dedicated commitment to become healthier there will be hard times. You don't "need" to come clean right now. If you told others of your affairs at this point it's purely drama. I strongly suggest you get into the Steps and stay there for a while. Whether you like it or not. Work the steps, slowly. There are several lessons you must learn BEFORE you "come clean" so that when you do, you do with dignity and intention, not fear and shame.
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Post by ~w~ on Feb 3, 2015 13:39:23 GMT -8
Just come to say hello. How you doing? I can learn from You as I already feel eager to go on dating site, speak with males. But today I hesitate. Thank you for sharing.
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Post by rwatson on Mar 13, 2015 23:57:01 GMT -8
hi, i'm here again, wondering how have you been since the last you posted. I'm hoping you are in a good terms.
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