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Post by madysen14 on Apr 14, 2015 5:48:17 GMT -8
On my journey to recovery, I made the decision to get to know my inner child so that I can re-parent her. And by doing so, I discovered how broken and dysfunctional she really was!!
During childhood and most of my adolescent life I was teased severely for my weight. I never fit in and it seemed that the people I wanted to like me the most often never did.
As a result, I would conform to the person that I thought would be accepted by them just to find that in the end they still didn't care for me.
As I grew older I went from wanting to be liked so badly to being mean to other people. In a sense I went from bullied to bully because I figured that if I out casted myself, no one would have the chance to reject me.
I can't help but notice the strong correlation between these behavioral patterns and my love addiction.
But recently, I've noticed that once I try to tear down that social wall of isolation to attempt to talk or meet people, I find myself back in that broken childlike space.
I cannot be present in the interaction because I overthink EVERYTHING to the point of anxiety. I want that person to like me. I want to be accepted.
So I adopt their personality and lose myself.
I hate being this way but I don't know how to begin to interact with others without having a mini panic attack in my head.
I then walk away from the interaction or conversation in a state of self loathing.
I hate myself for being this way. What kind of mother am I? I am entirely too old for this but cannot seem get a grip.
I don't know who I am! |
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Post by ariabella on Apr 16, 2015 5:48:38 GMT -8
I am so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and I can totally relate. I was bullied and teased for my weight and my looks from age 5 straight through 10th grade. Instead of bullying others I turned into my own biggest bully - I would put myself down before anyone else could. It became like a poison IV that was dripping into my arm. It really choked me off of having a life that was free and open. It is a little like having different personalities as you change and grow - there is a part of me that will always be the little girl that doesn't trust people will like her for who she is, and be scared she isn't pretty/smart/normal/good "enough". And as I have done the work - therapy, self help books, these forums - there is another more mature part of me that is loving and kind and nurturing, and knows I am deserving of unconditional love. The more I work on my own self esteem and get to know myself better, the stronger my own boundaries are, and the better I treat myself and handle myself around others. So be patient with yourself through these growing pains - if you can, find a way to be gentle with yourself, love yourself, learn what you need to feel safe and accepted from within, you are doing great and are being so brave!! Also, take a look at the thread on this forum about inner child work that Susan started, it could really help shed light on how you are feeling  |
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Post by ariabella on Apr 16, 2015 5:50:24 GMT -8
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 17, 2015 3:47:51 GMT -8
I want that person to like me. I want to be accepted.
So I adopt their personality and lose myself.
We are this way when we do not know ourselves and when we do not LIKE ourselves. Getting to the source of your social anxiety means having a loving relationship with yourself. Work through whatever shame you may have about who you are and find the beauty within you. Once you do that, it becomes easier to socialize. Why? Because the object of your socialization no longer comes from a place of "needing" a friend or "needing" to fill a void from loneliness or anxiety. It comes from a place of "sharing" your beauty and your gifts with others. Big difference. Concrete goals might be: read and do a workbook on self esteem, go to a therapist or get involved in projects or workshops that might help you build your self-esteem. |
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Post by madysen14 on Apr 18, 2015 5:44:35 GMT -8
Thank you ladies. I will definitely give it a try.
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