Post by madysen14 on Apr 14, 2015 5:48:17 GMT -8
On my journey to recovery, I made the decision to get to know my inner child so that I can re-parent her. And by doing so, I discovered how broken and dysfunctional she really was!!
During childhood and most of my adolescent life I was teased severely for my weight. I never fit in and it seemed that the people I wanted to like me the most often never did.
As a result, I would conform to the person that I thought would be accepted by them just to find that in the end they still didn't care for me.
As I grew older I went from wanting to be liked so badly to being mean to other people. In a sense I went from bullied to bully because I figured that if I out casted myself, no one would have the chance to reject me.
I can't help but notice the strong correlation between these behavioral patterns and my love addiction.
But recently, I've noticed that once I try to tear down that social wall of isolation to attempt to talk or meet people, I find myself back in that broken childlike space.
I cannot be present in the interaction because I overthink EVERYTHING to the point of anxiety.
I want that person to like me.
I want to be accepted.
So I adopt their personality and lose myself.
I hate being this way but I don't know how to begin to interact with others without having a mini panic attack in my head.
I then walk away from the interaction or conversation in a state of self loathing.
I hate myself for being this way. What kind of mother am I? I am entirely too old for this but cannot seem get a grip.
I don't know who I am!