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Post by amber999 on May 14, 2015 6:51:58 GMT -8
Hello! This is my first time posting to this website. I hope I'm following whatever rules there may be.
I'd like to explain my "situation" that I'm currently in. It's not good at all. About a year ago, a coworker of mine (a man) started talking to me. He is married and has three kids. It was a decent friendship from the start but then flirting started mixing in. We had numerous discussions about how we had to stop but there was just an attraction/pull that we apparently weren't strong enough to fight. Maybe didn't even want to fight. Who knows. Either way, it's a year later and we're both into this "thing" pretty deep. I feel bad for being involved in an affair but I can't control my feelings - and, believe me, I've wanted to turn those suckers off many times. I know I will never have a future with him - he has clarified that many, many times to me. But I can't deny what I feel for him. So I'm stuck in this spot of having strong feelings but also knowing I deserve so much more than what he can give. Sometimes it gets to be so overwhelming, the thoughts are just too much and too strong, that I want to end my life. I feel like that's my only option out of this mess so that I don't have to deal with the crushing hurt of losing him. My head understands this is wrong and that I would probably be better off without him...but my naive heart doesn't get it. I don't think I'm strong enough to end this - at least not yet. I keep hoping that as time goes on I will just tire of the whole charade and I will move on. But it still hasn't happened yet. My heart is just devoted to this man. And I don't know why!!!! Any tips would be greatly appreciated but please be kind. I'm already feeling like stuff over this whole situation.
Thank you!
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Post by moonlitvein on May 14, 2015 10:15:24 GMT -8
I deserve so much more than what he can give. My head understands this is wrong and that I would probably be better off without him...but my naive heart doesn't get it. Hello amber999, I have picked up these two things from your post.
You are absolutely correct on these two things but right now your heart is ruling over your head & that is why it is so difficult for you to end this. You are currently in a triangle which plays havoc at a different level altogether. The double life, role playing, being the other woman is an exhausting thing & can take an enormous toll. Ultimately it is an unhealthy life. Your head has to overcome your "naive heart" in order to reclaim your life back.
In order to recover in this board your first step needs to be the decision to get out of the triangle altogether. For healthy recovery, being single for a certain period of time & monogamy is an essential factor. This board supports monogamy & requires every member to step out of triangle.
So first read every thread on this forum on triangles & get a perspective. Use the other links given by Susan Peabody.
amber999, No you definitely do not want to end your life for someone who makes it so clear to you that he has no future to give you. Whenever you feel like this ask yourself this... "Is it really worth giving up endless opportunities in life for someone who clearly told me that he cannot give me a future that I want & deserve? The answer is : No it isn't. "Will one year of a relationship with a man discount everything else in life?" The answer is : No it won't. Instead if you deal with the "crushing hurt" it is very painful at first, but trust me it's going to make you stronger in the long run.
Please trust me. This is coming to you from a person who has been in your shoes before. TWICE! And I don't ever want to be in a triangle again. Many of us have been there, in your shoes & we have gotten out. SO WILL YOU.
Once again, remember, nothing is worth giving up on the gift we call LIFE So if you feel overwhelmed again remember this. Read this if you already haven't. It will build your coping mechanisms if you feel like this again -
Give this a thought. Take a decision to step out of the triangle please. Then go to the newcomers section and tell us more about yourself. You deserve more than an exhaustive double life and false hopes. Instead, you deserve a better, healthier life. You do, and it's there for you.
Best wishes Moonlitvein
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Post by Havefaith on May 14, 2015 10:50:25 GMT -8
I am so sorry to hear you have found yourself in this mess. It is not unusual, happens more often than we would like to think it does, and it never, ever ends well. But I think you already know that.
For the most part, married men who cheat are generally looking for some diversion. Example -- where I work, a married men with three young boys at home is heavily flirting with a younger, single woman. Who knows if it's gone beyond that. But he uses work (has admitted) as his place to get away from home/family stress and have some 'fun'. He will not leave his wife (too much at stake, financially). I am ashamed to admit, I was someone's diversion at work when I was younger. He had a pregnant wife and young daughter, and used me for sexual titillation and diversion from the realities of his every day, real life. And I allowed it.
Who benefits from these emotional and/or physical affairs? Not his wife. Not his children. Not his mistress du jour.
Look, I know it is easy for me to talk about this now, having gone through it and recovered from such a life of deception and torment. I can only say this -- the sooner you get out of this triangle, the better. It will NOT end well. Here is the reality check -- if wife finds out -- he either moves in with you or breaks it off and stays with wife. Or whatever else scenario comes to mind. But -- If he moves in, and he is yours, all yours, you will have to share him with the kids and the ex, and he will lose a lot of his paycheck to child support, alimony, etc. Because you are no longer the 'forbidden fruit' to one another, the passion and chemistry will wane. Let's face it. Half the fun of these little affairs is the 'forbidden passion' you get to share secretly. Ooh, la la! Doesn't it feel good?! Doesn't it make it all the more delicious!
Day to day living is not 'sexy and forbidden' -- cars break down, people get the stomach flu, someone has to clean out the gutters and mow the lawn, toilets have to be scrubbed, we don't look so hot when we wake up in the morning, we have to schlep off to work, grocery shop, pay those bills, etc.
Let's not kid ourselves -- these little affairs are so 'hot' because they are forbidden. And they are fantasy; they are not real. And they feed into our love addiction. And they ultimately leave one morally and spiritually bankrupt and in abject despair. You say you already feel suicidal? It is NOT going to get any easier as time goes on, if this affair continues.
Please, please consider therapy or whatever it takes to get out of this. HaveFaith
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Post by midnightcry on May 14, 2015 14:49:32 GMT -8
Hi Amber, you found your way here so there is hope. There is no quick fix, you will learn a lot here about love addiction. Welcome!
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Post by amber999 on May 15, 2015 7:14:01 GMT -8
This battle continues to rage on but I feel like I'm starting to shift, just a little, to the point of getting my heart to understand what my head is thinking. He's always saying he wants me to open up to him - he wants to be there for me as much as possible. But then he just recently admitted that he doesn't want to be there for me because he's afraid I'll depend on him more. So he shuts me out. He plays games like this all the time where no matter which path I choose, I'm not doing what he wants me to do. I spent some time with him last night and I lost track of how many times he said he loves me. I let it go in one ear and out the other because I know they are only words and he uses those words to control me. I've been single before and I know I can do it. But in the past it's always been because the feelings have faded. This is different. So very different and I'm scared that I won't be strong enough. But, like I just said, I do feel a small directional change within me so maybe I'm finally starting to wake up and I will just be so sick of this whole thing that I'll move on. I've actually been catching myself trying to find ways to be annoyed with him so that I'll want to be away from him. But then the d**n feelings come flowing back in. moonlitvein - you don't need to apologize for being blunt. I didn't see it that way at all. You spoke the truth and told me what needs to be done. I just wish this wasn't so screwed up so that I could have my close friends and family there for me. At least I can come here to vent and get support!!! havefaith - you hit on a lot of things that I've thought about or that he's even said. He's told me many times that I'm his escape. I keep burying the part of me that is saying, "OMG! He's totally using you! Why are you letting him do that?" There's a stronger voice that keeps saying, "Look at the power you have! He turns to YOU instead of his wife. That must mean something, right???" If his wife ever found out, I'm 95% sure that it would be over for us - no matter if they stay together or not. He'd be slapped in the face with reality and what he could potentially be losing (or would lose) and it would be devastating to him. And you're right about the forbidden romance part of it. If we were to end up together, it would quickly fizzle out. Plus, how could I trust him? Even now I wonder if there's ANOTHER woman besides his wife and me. On top of that, this might sound screwed up, but, I feel like he's cheating on me with his wife. When I think about him going home to her every night, curling up next to her in bed, making love to her, saying the same meaningful words to her that he says to me....it just crushes me. But I can't figure out how to stop loving this guy. I hate this so much! Last summer, when this was really starting to take off, I slept a LOT. It was the only way I could escape my feelings. And even that didn't always work because my sleep always seemed to be restless. I'm sure I aged 10 years over the last year. It's stress on an almost daily basis. I'm sorry. I'm rambling but it just feels so good to get some of this out. I know I need to make some changes but the thought scares me so much. I also feel like there's a clock ticking in the background to get this figured out before we get caught. I think one of the major factors in why this is so horrible is that he makes me feel so good. I've never been with a guy who has built up my self confidence like he has - even it was a lie to make me do all of this with him. He has actually helped me with that and with not being super sensitive to people. So it's just hard to walk away from someone who actually has helped me with myself. Ugh. I want to sleep now! lol
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Post by Havefaith on May 15, 2015 18:02:19 GMT -8
Rambling is ok -- it gets the toxins out. Have you considered therapy? It's a place where you can ramble and ultimately, the pieces all start fitting together (with the right therapist).
But you can certainly ramble here! No need to apologize.
One observation I am going to make and this is my experience. These guys do make us feel great. But -- heroin or cocaine or alcohol makes the addict feel great. Such a great high at first. Then doubts kick in. Lows kick in. Despair kicks in. Suicidal thoughts kick in. And then we seek the high again, because the lows are wretched and we don't want to have to feel that pain. Surely we can get back to that state of euphoria again.
Whether it comes from a POA, alcohol or drugs or gambling or whatever -- the high does not last. That is the nature of addiction.
And chasing the high is no way to live. At least, is isn't for me...
HaveFaith
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Post by LovelyJune on May 16, 2015 3:01:54 GMT -8
We are attracted to unavailable mates because WE are unavailable. Oftentimes, unavailable people allow us an element of freedom to be reckless, careless, irresponsible, whereas available, healthy people intimidate us. They have higher expectations of us to be grown up, responsible and real. Find out why you are afraid of a real relationship, real intimacy and real love. What you have with this man is not real love--it's strictly lust and raw emotion. In a real "love" scenario, both parties are available and committed. Until you accept that, you will not be able to move on.
And good job for recognizing the importance of your brain versus your heart. Remember, it's very EASY to fall in love with darn near anyone. What's difficult is that the heart does right by the mind. When the two are synced up, life is good. When they are not, there is usually suffering. Love does NOT equal suffering, my friend. Just keep telling yourself that. You seem like you are heading in the right direction. You'll be OK. Trust me.
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Post by moonlitvein on May 16, 2015 9:29:25 GMT -8
He's always saying he wants me to open up to him - he wants to be there for me as much as possible. But then he just recently admitted that he doesn't want to be there for me because he's afraid I'll depend on him more. So he shuts me out. He plays games like this all the time where no matter which path I choose, I'm not doing what he wants me to do. Dear amber999I am sure you know this very common saying but I am going to come right out and say it : Run. Just run. Literally and metaphorically.This guy is bad news. He is not going to be there for you. He's showing carrots.
Please listen, anyone who is doing this and dragging you down into this double life is bad for you and a good life that you can have for yourself. If you have been capable of being single before it is totally possible even now. So now is a good time to not only reclaim your singlehood back but truly giving yourself up to understand yourself.
I know how you feel. It won't get any better. If anything, it get's worse. This is what I was also referring to in my first post when I spoke about being the other woman & how it becomes exhausting. That's why triangles operate on a different complex level. An element of competition sets in. It's so painful. And that is the toxicity of triangles. The dynamics of the whole affair becomes more & more convoluted making life miserable. And, this is an illusion. Our self confidence ultimately will have to come from our own selves. Many people and incidents might give us a boost but they cannot build your confidence. You have to do it yourself. So don't feel bad/pity for him that you are leaving when he helped so much with your confidence building. It wouldn't get built in the first place if YOU didn't want to build it. Besides I'm 100% sure that you also must have done things to help him. Anyone who plays games and shuts you off from his life on and off will not ultimately help you in anyway, let alone self confidence. So at the cost of repeating myself please break off the triangle, tell him your decision firmly and then go NC. Then move towards singlehood. Only this time look at your single status in a new way, to find YOURSELF. Don't wait for any other guy to come along. Do your thing. Decide what that will be. Eventually you understand how rewarding it is.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 16, 2015 10:58:35 GMT -8
And we are unavailable because we subconsciously fear genuine and long-term intimacy with an available partner. This stems from some kind of unhealthy enmeshment [emotional incest] in childhood. Intimacy back then was uncomfortable and this continues on today. There is recovery for this of course. Find a healthy, available partner and stay put when you get frightened.
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