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Post by leahb on Jun 13, 2015 13:02:57 GMT -8
I'm not sure why, but today I feel so angry. I really hate my parents for all the neglect, abandonment and co dependence in childhood. I feel so trapped by my past and angry at both my Mother and Father. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time self-medicating my issues and turning to addiction to cope with feeling lonely and isolated. I am so angry I'm shaking. I'm disappointed in myself for not believing in me. Not investing in myself and feeling so worthless all the time. I look back at many of the decisions I've made in my life and almost all of them were out of fear of being alone or thought of as not worthy of love. Now I am 31 years old and I feel like an epic failure-on all levels. Intellectually I know that when we use external sources of validation we suffer. True validation can only come from within. I get that-intellectually, but how do I make that happen?! Arrrggghhh! So frustrated. I have so much fear in me. Fear has pretty much taken over and I feel so low frequency all the time. What I'm about to say sounds awful, but I will say it anyway-when I bottled up emotions and self-medicated, I could function in life. I wouldn't say I was truly living, but I felt so much more stable than I do now. I had a decent job, I was going on dates, I had friends that understood me. Since quitting my job (when I stopped with the distractions, I realized it wasn't all that great) alcohol, men, sex, food (I used to eat unhealthy) and coffee I feel more lonely than ever. I don't get along with my friends anymore. My family and I aren't close anymore-mainly because I saw how manipulative they really are. And I don't have a job to distract me. I really feel messed up. Any advice is appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jun 14, 2015 4:23:58 GMT -8
True validation can only come from within. I get that-intellectually, but how do I make that happen?! I remember this phase of recovery well! Hang in there. The best mantra for losing the anger towards yourself and your parents is to know, and say, " We did the best we knew how with what we were given..." Period. People who are in pain and suffering will raise children in a painful suffering environment. Nothing you can do about the past. This is what you were given. What you do with it now, as an adult is what matters. So..... ....you have to believe that the choices you are making now are the right ones. You have to believe in your set of values. Why did you quit drinking alcohol, coffee, eating poorly etc. if it served you so well? But, validation doesn't only come from within. It comes from partly believing that you are making the right choices, and partly from who you are hanging around with. Surround yourself with people, places and things that positively reflect who you are. If you stop drinking, smoking and eating poorly, but then you continue to hang around people who do those things, you will start to feel confused, frustrated and lonely. Make sure your environment validates who you want to be. Hope this helps |
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Post by leahb on Jun 14, 2015 19:46:25 GMT -8
Thanks for the post LJ. It helped me put things back into perspective. :-)
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Post by leahb on Jul 19, 2015 17:20:29 GMT -8
Today has been a strange kind of day. Been experiencing huge swings in my emotions and am still so angry at my parents. They are people I do not want to be like. EVER. I have them on LC and speak to them briefly via telephone every few weeks. The last time they called the first thing my Mom said when I picked up the phone was "We need help with the electrical in the house. Do you know anyone who can help?" So I end up talking to them for about 5 minutes about things they can do and that they can ask my brother's friend who is doing schooling in this to help. Half the time I'm on the phone with them, my Dad is interrupting my Mother in the background and my Mother just is so rude and is answering him while I'm waiting to be talked to on the phone. At the end of the conversation she just decides to use the next door neighbor's connections to "help them out". What the frig was the purpose of that phonecall?! Argh!
Another big thing I'm working on is trying to not be judgmental of those who choose to drink Alcohol. I have so much emotional baggage when it comes to booze that I just dislike being around it. I gave up drinking about 8 months ago and I really don't want to be around it anymore. I have lost many friends in the process and since my parents drink every day, I struggle to be around them too. Alcohol makes people turn into such nasty people sometimes. It reverts them back to a childish state that I don't want to be around.
I think I'm just in a funk today wishing things had turned out differently with my parents.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 20, 2015 4:12:30 GMT -8
Not to downplay your grief, but, it sounds like an Italian family!!!  |
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Post by leahb on Jul 20, 2015 5:09:48 GMT -8
Lol LJ! The neighbor is Italian
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Post by abetterlife on Jul 20, 2015 10:21:53 GMT -8
leahb,
It was great reading your post, I always can relate. I have been agnry at my mother for a while now. I sat down with her over lunch months ago and just let it all out (the abandonment, the neglect)...I felt horrible afterwards like I hurt her but for some reason it was a release. Its like the choices and actions she takes are not serving me anymore (it actually angers me!), but I feel guilty by lowering the contact with her. I drove past my childhood house, and said out loud similar to what LJ said, "You did the best you could with what you knew and I did am now doing the same" It was healing. However detaching in that respect from my mother has caused her to cling and call me everyday and do more for me, which I feel guilty when I tell her no. But the guilt is part of the dance, and I am accepting it slowly.
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