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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 14, 2016 2:36:39 GMT -8
I am still shocked and devastated. I do not know where to begin and how to put things together in writing. So please bear with me...
This woman with whom I had a constant communication, and who initiated this form of bonding has been causing me major troubles and heartaches these days.
In our former company we all knew her as a single mom with some documents to support it. In fact, when we met a year ago, she just broke-up with her recent boyfriend at that time and sought my help, support, and comfort. She poured out all her emotions to me until we ended up being intimate. I did not want to get involved but she kept pushing herself to me until I finally reciprocated. I shared with her about God. So our relationship became a complete, balanced package. We made future plans together and I invested most of what I got for her welfare and our plans together. All seems going so great between us. Until one day recently, we lost contact and I found a message from her asking for "help" that her estranged husband took away her mobile phone. When I tried to reach her, her estranged husband was the one who answered me and abused me excessively calling me all kinds of derogatory names and threatened me.
I knew that she's temporarily staying with her estranged husband (for her child's sake) who lives so faraway from where her family lives and from where I am staying. But due to my concern for her, in spite of the great distance and threats, I still went to their location with the support of nearby communities for her safety.
I thought she would be pleased when she saw me, but instead she betrayed my trust. I was discussing with her about her rights, safety; assuring her that she is not alone anymore. (Since I already reported to the government agencies about this man's abuses.) But suddenly, this woman excused herself to take something until she did not comeback anymore by herself. After few hours, she returned to the location with her estranged husband already in tow. Imagine that betrayal?
During our intense group conversations, I found out that she had been lying to me frequently and that they are actually still living as husband and wife. She also denied the abuses of her husband and defended him in front of other people. Her husband insulted me for my sexuality and threatened to scandalize me and tarnish my good reputation/record.
In spite of this woman's lies, pretensions, and betrayals; I did not let the husband know about her ex-boyfriend (before she met me), because her husband might kill her if he finds out. Since this man is totally insane and have been abusing and threatening her ever since. But I am not afraid at all for my safety and I'm willing to face this squarely. I remain standing and fighting for my rights to this day.
Nevertheless, this is the moment where I need your help and support. I felt so used and betrayed. I lost a lot of my resources (time, money, energy, etc.) trusting and investing on this woman. Please let me know your input of any kind. I'd gladly listen and answer Qs as long as it is fine to do so. Thank you.
{Note: Due to the sensitivity of this post I might delete this eventually. We will see.}
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Post by paisley on Mar 14, 2016 9:41:42 GMT -8
So sorry to read this sad change of events.  It seems that you have no choice but to step back and let her sort this out. I'm sure she feels trapped and confused by this guy, but it's her deal to resolve. As far as getting financially invested in her, I wonder if there's anything you could ask her to repay. You may just want to cut your losses on this one, hon. Hugs to you. |
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Post by Havefaith on Mar 14, 2016 17:24:19 GMT -8
codep -- from the outside looking in, sounds like she has some serious issues, perhaps is manipulative or is being manipulated herself. Do you still work with her in any capacity? Is she still in an abusive relationship? It all sounds so complicated, not sure if I follow everything.
For me -- bottom line is that she lied. Living with someone who does not honor (and tell) truth is nearly impossible. What follows is just what you talked about -- pretensions and betrayals from the person. No way to live...
Detach, pray and move on.
Blessings,
HaveFaith
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Post by leahb on Mar 14, 2016 17:29:34 GMT -8
I'm so sorry to hear this codep-I really thought things were going well with this person.
It sounds like she is a complicated individual. Lots of stuff going on here.. It sounds super complicated and tough. I'm so very sorry for this situation. Take good care of yourself and I'm glad to see you are extricating yourself from this complicated issue.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 15, 2016 9:48:23 GMT -8
My dearest Co: There is such a fine line between being generous and being codependent. We love, but when are we loving too much? Of all that you have written, I would like you to take a look at whether or not you went to far in this area. Some of us are born generous and we don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water. So how do you know when you have gone too far? Well you start with a benefit/cost analysis of the give and take in the relationship. Does she reciprocate at all? Do you do things for her that she should do for herself. My books spells it out. I am very codependent with my son and I am working on it. But he is disabled and my son. What can I say? Watch yourself in action and ask yourself everyday, "Is this too much"? One red flag is what I call "biting the hand that feeds you." When are PoA's are no longer grateful but actually picking on you for helping them, then you have triggered their guilt/shame button. My son has a way of stating the obvious. One day he just announced to me, "Mom, you do too much for me. It makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Let me do stuff for you." What a mouthful. People need to reciprocate to feel good about themselves. Have you allowed her to do that? I really appreciate your honesty and courage in coming forward. We are all here for you. Just let things unfold and pray for God's will for you. Which is to come first in your life. Which is to set high standards. To protect your inner child. Set all the drama aside and get back to basics. You, God, and healthy love.   |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 15, 2016 10:38:57 GMT -8
This is a process. It takes awhile. But it will take less time than when you were not in recovery. I went through 25 years into my recovery. One day at a time. |
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Post by Havefaith on Mar 15, 2016 18:02:12 GMT -8
Absolutely, Susan -- it is quite the process. And I am still learning and working on it with POA (detach, pray and move on). Recovery DOES make it easier, but it is still a one-day-at-a-time process -- agreed!
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Post by denverdignity on Mar 16, 2016 7:48:54 GMT -8
My thoughts are with you, that is heartbreaking..this board is here for you to work through your pain!
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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 21, 2016 5:12:29 GMT -8
Thanks so much for everyone supporting me here and giving me valuable insights and encouragements. I deeply, deeply appreciated your kindness and comforting words.
Since that happened I became proactive seeking ways to stand up and fight back. I am taking my funds back somehow to be given to worthy causes. We are no longer working together. Thank God. And I have been talking to various authorities, lawyers, agencies concern. They are on my side and supportive of me. We became good friends.
To this day, I could not believe, how different she was with me for almost one year. How she suddenly changed to a completely different person. Is she a double faced person? Hot and cold? How could she deny, betray, lie to me after all I've gone through just to be always there for her?
I tried to remember how I ended up with her. She was not even my type. And I'm close to many people. But she approached me in her difficult times. She asked for my help. She said her ex-husband and ex-boyfriend have abandoned her. When I paid attention or complimented someone else she would tell me she got jealous as if we have a relationship. Then she started narrating how good she is in bed and started flirting with me. Nobody had chatted with me as hot as she did. She's probably hotter and more explicit than any adult sites combined. She would tell me what to do to her and what she would do to me. She's affectionate, emotional, creative and talented at work. So even though I never had a relationship with same gender, we were treating each other that close. She always made me feel that I'm the best person she has ever met. She was never bad with me. And we already had replaced our hot chats with pure spirtual stuff. That is why I did not see this coming at all.
The surrounding communities have helped me to see her for what she really is now. They all said she just took advantage of my kindness, compassion, and generosity. Now, I'd choose to whom to show kindness and compassion. I don't want to be used or taken advantage again. I have no plan to be personally involved with a woman again on a personal, deep level. And no more hot chats. (Apparently, our messages and her ex-boyfriend's messages to her were read by her husband when he took her phone from her by force and asked an expert to unlock her password.)
Thank God that in spite of this heartbreaking, painful, shocking experience, I am functioning well and gaining new friends. In fact, I just gave a consultation to someone needing relationship advice.
I am grieving and hurting still, but I am forgiving them. What do you think led her to betray and deny me and repay my kindness with heartless betrayal? How could she do all these to me? Those are my big questions.
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Post by ~w~ on Mar 21, 2016 9:24:23 GMT -8
I can hear your pain regards to the trust you put in this relationship.
And I still hear the stenght within you. I am so proud of you , sister.
We should never put trust in ppl by gods words , and we get to live in all Arround deferent people , who change, lie, cheat . There is nothing wrong with you, it's other persons fault. Your respond ability was not to miss red flags. But hey that's so hard!
I send you big hug. And I am prying for you .w
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Post by paisley on Mar 21, 2016 11:45:44 GMT -8
I think some people simply lack sincerity and will act the way they think you want them to act so they can get what they need/want from you. Analyzing my last long term relationship, I see how he acted as if we were in a committed relationship, but when I questioned him about it, we were at a much more casual level than I thought. Then after he ran into difficulties with work/finances, he was suddenly all in. In retrospect, I can see how he treats casual acquaintances as if they're very intimate and close sometimes. He spoke of holding a gal all night (platonically) in bed when she was dealing with some tough stuff...then he asked this same gal to help her move and I questioned it because we had already made arrangements and didn't need her, and he replied that he didn't expect her to help anyway and they frequently made comments to each other that meant nothing. This was bizarre to me, but apperntly there are many people who just say or do what benefits them at the moment. Makes me sad, but I can't change it. |
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Post by Havefaith on Mar 21, 2016 16:54:19 GMT -8
codep, sounds like she must have some personality disorder -- very charming, but pathologically lies, has narcissistic tendencies -- a complex but deeply flawed person. You may never have all the answers as to why this relationship went so terribly wrong, but this you can do --
Guard your heart, put up boundaries. Heal. Pray that God stands by your side and guides you to the people who have your best interests at heart.
Blessings
HaveFaith
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Post by healingodat on Mar 22, 2016 15:39:34 GMT -8
Hi Co
Im fairly new to this forum but i read it every day diligently.
Im really sorry for your losses in this relationship.
Something came to me. Because i am heterosexual by nature and because i have had a relationship w someone of the same gender once.
Perhaps this woman saw herself connecting to you but deep down she is heterosexual.
It could be that she saw safety with you at the time and comfort. The fact that she was vocal about her sexuality with you seems to me like there was an element of obvious seduction on her side and sexual intrigue.
Perhaps this attention she got from you really filled a space in her life or self esteem but after a while, instead of being honest with herself or with you about her not trully being in this for the long haul or having confusions, mixed feelings, other agendas, she simply didnt communicate her reality.
This lack of communication as to her truth and what the motivating factor is what sometimes triggers my childhood wounds and adult ones. Why?
Because from my family of origin, i felt persecuted, made a fool of, ridiculed, used, neglected, lied to and abused.
So whenever there is the slight clue or evidence or even the perceptions of someone doing that to me i just feel a mixture of emotions: confusion, despair, anger, hurt, bewilderment, etc.
Now do her motivations for acting this way matter? In an intellectual way and even emotionally they do because we want to get to the truth of the matter to feel some sense of closure or even understanding. But in reality her motives are i believe still driven by dysfunctionality and immaturity, wouldnt you say?
Is there a mature and logical reason to lie, betray?
We know the answer to that.
Im sorry for your loss. I know i would be asking myself all these questions.
Just my two cents. Sometimes people are just not honest about what's really going on.
And as i see you and others pointing out.
What is most important is how we take care of ourselves from here.
Living in action rather than reaction.
What action steps can you and are already taking to self care, self love, self protect and begin the recovery process from this particular relationship and to use the tools from this recovery process which you already are and how amazing that you are applying this already.
Thank you for inspiring me to know i always have a choice, no matter what i feel, to seek the path to better myself and help myself.
If this post was offensive in any way, please delete it or edit it.
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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 24, 2016 10:01:13 GMT -8
Thank you, guys! I will be right back. Need time to reflect before I respond to your great insights.
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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 26, 2016 1:25:34 GMT -8
I am overflowing with gratitude for your support. Each one of you is teaching me something valuable. Thank you very much. This had been a "too good to be true" relationship. There was no visible red flags actually until this sudden denial, betrayal, dumping. First time I was dumped, denied and lied upon. Well, she is still young and you are right healingodat, she told me she likes to experiment and try new things too. So I agree she might be experimenting and as you said, "it could be that she saw safety with you at the time and comfort. The fact that she was vocal about her sexuality with you seems to me like there was an element of obvious seduction on her side and sexual intrigue." Yes she was playful, naughty, vocal w/ me. She often teased me and even played w/ her tongue during video calls. (But when I went to her husband's city for her, she was aloof and calculating her moves. She was more like scared with me than excited.) She said they are separated and she is just after her child...That this man is irresponsible, abusive, and whom she had a trauma and did not love anymore...That her sweet, (but unfaithful) ex-boyfriend is the one she really had loved and preferred the personality of. But she often told me that if only we had met before these two men, she said she would not have made mistakes in choosing them and been spared from being hurt. That she trusts me most and that I'm her "knight in shining armor". So paisley, "I think some people simply lack sincerity and will act the way they think you want them to act so they can get what they need/want from you." -- that's the answer! Because when she was with me, she asked 'refuge' from her supposed ex-husband and suddenly now, she turned around and betrayed me and ran to her husband. As if I'm the villain now. Then I found out this week that she had been lying about her church group involvement too just to pretend we have the same belief. Whatever serves her well, that's what she would do. Apparently, she's been playing victim and using people for her convenience. I am so used to communicating with her constantly about everything, day in and day out, for many months. We were already discussing our business plans and was about to start next month. We were sharing compatible mission and vision to share our profits with abandoned children together. So it affected me personally, professionally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It takes time and adjustments but I am moving on now, step by step. ~w~, I'm glad to find you here. I agree with you. Thank you my lovely sister. @vivi, thank you for your affirmation and sweetness. I really appreciated it. Havefaith, this painful 'loss' has resulted to intimacy with God. So it's a gain now. Thank you. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 28, 2016 3:47:07 GMT -8
I would like to apologize to anyone I have triggered in any way by my recent posts. I am thinking of deleting this thread and another two threads that are centered on this matter. On the other hand, I also want to openly share this humbling experience with you as a "warning" since this could happen to anyone.
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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 29, 2016 3:56:38 GMT -8
To all who are in a committed relationship, please be honest with your current status and don't play with the hearts of other people. Honor your commitments. Stop flirting. Stop living a lie. Trust, once broken is hard to restore. Watch out! Everything you do will eventually get back to you. It's just a matter of time.
{Note: One of my inspirations here has suggested to keep this thread. So I am keeping it. I just hope it won't ever be read by the persons involved in this unexpected triangle.}
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Post by CodepNomore on Apr 1, 2016 6:32:30 GMT -8
I realized that this couple just used me to get over their offenses toward each other (wife's affairs versus husband's abuses), and got united in fighting me. Instead of blaming and fighting each other, they shifted the blame on me and joint forces in fighting me. As a result, it brought them back together. What a nice strategy. But eventually, when I am long gone, their toxic dynamics will resurface again and it would get even worse unless they finally take responsibility for their actions/behaviors.
I am considered chronologically somewhat old. While compared to me, they are still a bit of a young couple. Their relationship is full of dramas, lies, insecurities, immaturities, abuses, and unhealthy attachment. (They hate each other but can't seem to live without each other?) So they are more suitable and deserving of each other. Hmmm. The more I realized this, the more I am grateful I am out of the picture already.
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Post by CodepNomore on Apr 1, 2016 22:08:49 GMT -8
A reliable source just told me that she had a little chat with her yesterday. She said she seemed so happy now. I told her, even Robin Williams who seemed so happy and made many people happy were privately battling a depression (aside from Dementia)? And committed suicide. So it is just superficial. She is hiding from her own shadow and numbing her feelings underneath. She also made me believe she was happy to see me at first, until she betrayed and denied me behind my back. Her husband still does not know about the other man. He only knew about me. But my part was too lame or minor compared with this other man whom she had a relationship for years. They were engaged in "hot and heavy" stuff. She told me everything. And yet if you meet her with her husband, they seem a happy, successful couple. But who are they deceiving?
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 19, 2016 20:55:02 GMT -8
To all who are in a committed relationship, please be honest with your current status and don't play with the hearts of other people. Honor your commitments. Stop flirting. Stop living a lie. Trust, once broken is hard to restore. Watch out! Everything you do will eventually get back to you. It's just a matter of time. {Note: One of my inspirations here has suggested to keep this thread. So I am keeping it. I just hope it won't ever be read by the persons involved in this unexpected triangle.} Thanks for sharing code, and I am so sorry for the pain that this situation caused you. That is why I am deciding to move forward and divorce. I have been the women you speak of, who tells men how unhappy I am and in a sexless marriage, and that "we are in the process of getting a divorce". In some cases the man fell in love and didn't know what to do. One sent me 2 hours away to "meet on the beach" yet he didn't show up, and the only message I got via text over and over was "get a divorce". Thanks for sharing how the person on the other side feels. Many times I think they won't get attached because they are younger, but some do. |
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Post by CodepNomore on May 12, 2016 8:05:25 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing Loveanimals . I am glad you already made a decision to move on with your life legally. Thanks to God that I do not have pain anymore and that I have moved on and am in the best place possible at this point in time. By the way, I recently met her mom. She is super nice and kind. I found out that she did not like this man too and that he was rude to her also, and won't allow to meet her own daughter and grandchild except in his hometown, faraway from their (mom and daughter's) hometown. How possessive and selfish he is since he knew that she is too old to make that exhausting long trip. Her mom did not know what had happened but her daughter told her that her phone is defective only so she has been using her husband's phone only. I told her the truth about certain things and she got alarmed. But we will keep this information confidential between us. I will just pray for them. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jun 5, 2016 12:50:19 GMT -8
I have recovered and moved on. It's for the best. It's good to try and fail than not try at all.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jul 7, 2016 16:22:38 GMT -8
There are two married women wanting to get close to me and telling their husbands about me. But I am keeping some distance and does not want to get involved and in-between couples again.
I realized that this is the second time that a couple fought over me or about me. With the first couple long ago, it's the wife who got jealous with me. They separated after that. While with the second (supposedly estranged) couple, it's this insane, abusive husband who got jealous and abused me. So enough...(But I became close to her nice mom. We agreed about how terrible this man really is.)
To all married couples or in a relationship, please stop using a third party or another person to meet your needs, wants, or satisfy your curiosity. Flirtation is off-limit and it always hurts to be a part of a triangle. Love is not self-seeking. Triangle/affair, flirtation, is not love but selfishness and a sign of immaturity. So either you remain faithful or get out. There is no middle ground.
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Post by Havefaith on Jul 7, 2016 19:10:38 GMT -8
Well stated, codep. Love is indeed not self-seeking. I heard a spiritual speaker who said 'love is willing the good of the other' -- it is wanting what is best for another.
Anything less -- I walk away.
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Post by stevenmcmichael on Oct 17, 2017 2:54:54 GMT -8
It is said that time heals everything. Hope you must be better and strong with time. My brother also faced the same situation. He visited many helpful site to know the solution and consulted many lawyers to choose the best one to hire. Hope everything gets better soon! |
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 13, 2017 15:42:59 GMT -8
Hi stevenmcmichael, Thanks. I have long forgotten all about these. lol. I am glad I don’t have time to read or recall any of these except my current course textbooks. Although I did not get paid financially by this couple, I am too grateful to God to be bothered by them. I just leave everything behind and focus on what lies ahead. Life goes on for me well. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 13, 2017 16:45:21 GMT -8
Well said. To this I would add faith and hope and God. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 15, 2017 13:01:05 GMT -8
What had helped me to get through these are facing them truthfully and opening my vulnerabitily to my trusted community here and at home. But above all, surrendering to God and learning from this life’s lesson. I really had forgotten this for so long. I’m even grateful that it had ended. God had removed them away from me for my own good...
Hear me out:
When a person walks away from you or your relationship has ended, it is saving you from worse things to come. Though it may be unbearable for a time and you feel so much pain and lifeless, the blessings will follow you. Just learn to let it go. Stop holding to people and things not meant to stay with you. You deserve better and can do better without them.
Remember that you can start all over again no matter how empty and broken you are now. It is never too late to have a brand new life. It’s what I have been so busy doing while away from here. I never stop pursuing my true calling and setting new goals as I have been reaching my previous goals with God’s help.
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Living Wise (Codepnomore)
New Member
Life is what you make it. So give it your best shot. We only live once. -Codepnomore
Posts: 25
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Post by Living Wise (Codepnomore) on Sept 5, 2018 8:47:53 GMT -8
Just an update:
I have not received any payment from their loans. But I am happy and healthy. I don’t even remember the pain that these pathological liars have done to me. I am too blessed to be stressed by toxic people.
There will always be bad or wrong people around us. That is the sad reality we must keep in mind. Loyalty is the rarest trait we can find these days. Best to stop expecting from other people, including our “loved ones”, and just do our best to choose and live wisely.
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Living Wise (Codepnomore)
New Member
Life is what you make it. So give it your best shot. We only live once. -Codepnomore
Posts: 25
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Post by Living Wise (Codepnomore) on Sept 5, 2018 8:53:27 GMT -8
Ps. I am not reading this old thread. My past belongs to its past. I don’t want to relive it. God gave me new beginning, new hope, new strength, new joy every single day, hour, minute, second.
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