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Dreams
Jul 15, 2016 4:07:31 GMT -8
Post by blue70rose on Jul 15, 2016 4:07:31 GMT -8
Hi. I know I've made a thread called dreams before, but I still have them. I know that common advice for torchbearers is thought control and stopping the fantasies. However, I sometimes I feel that that just makes things worse for me, because I'm trying to suppress/cut off an energy. Plus, we can't really control our dreams. This morning, I dreamt that I bit into a banana, but it was moldy. I looked it up online, and it said something like, "If you dream that you see or eat sour or rotting fruit, it signifies a situation or relationship that ended prematurely. You are expressing regret." That sounds like how I feel about my POA. Since I never got into an actual relationship with him--in part because I knew better because I knew the signs of an emotionally unavailable man (and knew in my gut,"butterflies in the stomach" and all)--I never got to the point where I found out from first hand experience that he isn't really the fantasy I made/make him out to be. I last had any contact with him 3.5 years ago, and am in a healthy relationship now for 2 years. I actively attended a recovery program for 5 years (but now live in a non-anglophone country). I wish there were a way I could *listen* to what my dreams and feelings are trying to tell me, without getting involved with him again (or transferring the torch to another POA). In a healthy relationship, there are no fears to face, and since my core wound and fear is getting rejected by the POA .... is there another way to stop hiding?
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Post by blue70rose on Nov 19, 2016 5:33:44 GMT -8
Hi everyone, I know I can be difficult to relate to, so I've decided to reply to my own post. As I approach the 4 year mark since I last saw or had any contact with my POA (and I also haven't replaced him with a new one after a couple years, which was always my pattern) I've been starting to realize that I've been a fantasy addict since childhood. I fantasise about things/people all the time, not just the POA, without being fully aware of it. I found a few articles about addiction to fantasy, and one said that although it makes you feel better, it makes you feel worse in the longer term, because you are abandoning yourself by trying to escape from life and your responsibilities. The only thing I can think to do now is to try to become more aware of when I'm doing this, and why--and what if I didn't do this fantasizing? So far, the only answer I have is that then I would miss out on the best feelings in life. Is anyone familiar with this subject?
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Post by Havefaith on Nov 19, 2016 6:18:45 GMT -8
I am familiar with the topic only from my standpoint. I also immersed myself in fantasy. And it always, always, always, fell short -- because fantasy is not real.
As a Love Addict, I obsessed and anguished over some fantasy life, while my REAL life languished. I chose fantasy over reality. I liken it to the drug addict who wants "the best feelings in life" and makes the self-destructive decision to achieve those feelings through drugs.
For me, fantasy (I acted out the fantasy with POA's over the years) almost did me in. I lost nearly everything by pursuing that which is not real. It is a long, harrowing experience that I won't get into here, because I could go on and on. But allow me to give you a real life example --
Today is Saturday. It was, for years, my 'acting out' (fantasy) day with POA. I lied to family and friends as to my whereabouts (going to a recovery meeting was a big one), and was secretly meeting with POA. This man I was meeting was (is) a sex/pornography addict who also cross-addicted into gambling ($60,000 in gambling debt, last he told me). He was a drug to me, told me what I wanted to hear and played upon my biggest fantasies. This went on for several years, until I finally hit rock-bottom (I was on the edge of losing everything) and woke up.
After six years of therapy with a talk therapist (Rogerian method) and simultaneously working with a psychiatrist (psychodynamic therapy) for four years, I am finally on the mend.
Today -- I am meeting at noon with healthy, delightful friends for lunch and conversation. I have not met with POA for one year -- clean and sober from those acting-out behaviors that were based on fantasy and devolved into the ugliest, depraved period of my life.
Fantasy is out, Reality is in, with its accompanying Fruits of the Spirit I am finally feeling (love, joy, peace, gentleness, goodness, kindness, patience, self-control and faithfulness). For me, those are the "best feelings in life" ...
HaveFaith
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Dreams
Dec 6, 2016 19:12:17 GMT -8
via mobile
Post by picard on Dec 6, 2016 19:12:17 GMT -8
Maybe you have still unused energies. Could you begin a new project that thrills you, a new hobby, writing a book,whatever makes you tick. I have so many problems when I am bored. I started kitesurfing and new job projects.
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Dreams
Apr 28, 2017 10:43:05 GMT -8
Post by blue70rose on Apr 28, 2017 10:43:05 GMT -8
Thanks (just saw this last post now). Well, one thing that makes me tick is to follow the advice "Do one thing every day that scares you." This was helping me quite a bit some years ago during a period of healing in between POA's #3 and #4. Of course I have hobbies and stuff and a job I actually like, but this is the only thing that seems to tap into the same energy involved in my love addiction (other than of course interacting with a POA). It has been my experience that my problem with being a non-actively involved love addict is that I am in a state of NC out of fear instead of only for healthy reasons (related to why NC doesn't work for torchbearers). So I think that why doing things that scare me--and by scare me I mean basically make me face my fear of rejection in some way--has helped me, is because fear of rejection by an idealized POA seems to be at the core of my torchbearing addiction.
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Dreams
Apr 29, 2017 2:22:22 GMT -8
via mobile
Post by mima on Apr 29, 2017 2:22:22 GMT -8
I am curious about the 'why nc doesnt' work for torchbearers'. I dont think contact with my ex, who is my poa, is a good idea at all and she has not responded to my most recent attent to contact her after three years of nc. I think she is wise even thought it ripes my hears out.
I dreamt last night that she did come back. There was a lot that happened but basically she was bored with her current partner. Even in my dream I knew what she was offeri g me were crumbs though and I would always be hungry for more. No human can fix that deep abyss in me that wants to be loved. I can only love myself and have my hp love me.
The symbolism was staggering though. We had bird rings and there were broken light bulbs everywhere. I was stuck in a cage and I also was with her, but she was always thinking more about others, and herself, which is my real experience.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 29, 2017 11:53:30 GMT -8
I am curious about the 'why nc doesnt' work for torchbearers'. I dont think contact with my ex, who is my poa, is a good idea at all and she has not responded to my most recent attent to contact her after three years of nc. I think she is wise even thought it ripes my hears out. The late John Bradshaw said that love addiction was a thinking addiction. When you are addicted to fantasizing to displace depression then you are unable to get someone out of your head even when you are no longer together. NC does work, but you are still in contact when you are fantasizing about him. Transference to God is one way to go for a Torchbearer. When you hear a love song think of God. When you crave love think of God. I even romanticized my feelings for God for about a year and wrote poetry like The Awaited Suitor. Then I moved on when the addiction was broken. This method is not for everyone but it worked for me . . . The Awaited Suitor
My heart pines away; I sing the blues. I ask now and then: Where are you? Are you real? Are you there for me? When will I see you? When shall it be? I face the horizon; I take God’s hand. In great expectation, I look over the land. Nothing happens; oh woe is me. What shall I do? When will it be? With tears in my eyes, I look up and smile. God cups my face, and after awhile He softly speaks, and breaks the news: "I am the one who was chosen for you." "Can you love me, year after year, As you would have loved him if he had appeared?" My face grew pale, and my body shook. I took his hand, too frightened to look. Then I agreed to give it a try. My suitor was here; he had finally arrived.
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Post by blue70rose on Apr 30, 2017 3:37:34 GMT -8
According to the above post, I see that I have not truly been in NC for a whole 4.5 years now. One might say that my "heart isn't in it." I also really liked one of John Bradshaw's books. It might have been the one where I first heard the metaphor that putting on a false self is like trying to hold a beach ball underwater all the time. It takes a lot of energy, the harder you try to keep it down, and increases the likelihood that it will unexpectedly pop back up. Like the truth. I recall he was also the one who said, "Anyone who lies to himself is an addict." I'll never forget that line. Incidentally, I also just read an article about a study which showed that suppressing thoughts (among other mental activities) is associated with shorter telomeres. For me, a lie I've been telling myself is that 'I don't like the POA, I don't care if he doesn't like me. I technically know he's bad for me so that should be enough to forget and move on.' That's how I suppress feelings. I also have a very withdrawing personality/coping mechanisms, so I'm different than many people in that regard and may need a rather unique approach to my addiction. That could be why the risk taking thing helps me, is because instead of telling myself that I don't care enough about what any given interpersonal encounter could possibly do for me to make it worth the emotional risk, I decide to take it. Although I am not religious, I consider myself spiritual and open-minded, and attended in-person meetings for several years, and so am not at all averse to people being religious in constructive ways, (such as in recovery) using the word "God", etc. And I intend to get more into meditating again. As long as I don't use it as another thing to hide behind from the world. As they say, God helps those who help themselves. This has been on my wallpaper lately, but I don't know if I actually follow it: Jesus says, “No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house” (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let’s not have “double lives”; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public. -Henri Nouwen
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