Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 29, 2016 19:47:29 GMT -8
If he is finished completely just say "We are not compatible." Nothing more and nothing less. But if he is a seductive witholder you must hold firm on the no contact. So ask yourself. Is this a pattern. Does he come and go; come and go. If yes, and I suspect this is the case you must say, "Do not contact me or email me or try to get in touch with me in anyway. In such a situation you cannot be nice. In many ways he is ambivalent and cares. Just not enough to commit. Commitment withholders always want love but don't know what to do with it when they find out. Seductive withholders are very seductive when they feel abandoned and then dump you once they have you back in. Even Pia Melody was misled when she wrote her book. Because of her compassion for avoidants she threw in information about a trial separation. This simply does not work. Keep me posted.
Amazing reading, I was exhausted just reading it, no wonder I have been so exhausted in the past living it, knowledge is power alright, who wants to live like that, handing it all over to my higher power, no more Seductive Withholders for me, not in this life time.....
Post by yourfriend4ever on Jun 8, 2017 14:31:10 GMT -8
I'm dealing with someone who behaves like a narcissist, but I'm wondering if they are really just a seductive withholder. They behave like a seductive withholder too. It's one or the other. Because they keep ignoring me. They are hot and cold. They come and go. I have never met them. How do you know if someone is a narcissist or a seductive withholder, or can they be both?
Post by loveanimals on Feb 27, 2019 18:55:48 GMT -8
I think I have a seductive withholder. He said in January that I got too "attached" and then cut off sex, saying we should just be friends. Then several weeks pass, we hang out as just friends, and he initiates sex! I said no, we are just friends as you said several weeks ago, and he tried to do other things that he did not consider "sex", but I did. Then I ignore him a few days and he texts me. I have known this man for almost 5 years now, off and on as he will get in a relationship or I will just lose interest, go into no contact all men, etc.
He is a friend who attends 2-3 NAmeetings a day, though, so I do like that he's working on recovery, unlike most men I know who stay in alcoholism and say I'm the one who has the problems because I attend therapy and AA.
I just find him draining as he'll get jealous if I speak of another man, and then 2 days later encourage me to date others. I told him he shouldn't get in a relationship within 6 months to 1 year of recovery. He's 5 months into recovery now. But he is extremely attractive to me, and we can talk for hours about recovery, so I feel that connection with him that I do not feel with other men. He does see other women, which is upsetting. And he may move. Sigh. I tell myself to have that relationship with God vs. these men, as moving or if they find a new girlfriend I'll be devastated. I don't need that. I need God to always be there for me, not physical men who come and go.
I'm a fear-based seductive withholder. Only with certain individuals, though. I've had dating relationships where I felt stable, but then I've had attachments where I don't feel stable. I feel stable in relationships where the man is consistent but not pushy. I feel unstable with men who aren't consistent.