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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 7, 2020 17:44:16 GMT -8
I coined the term "seductive withholders," in 1985 to describe the man I dating back then. This story is a warning to codependents. I wrote it to help one of my clients.
Dear Jill:
From your description of how you take care of him, it sounds like you are not just a love addict but a codependent love addict. Boy does your story bring back memories for me.
I can guarantee you that if all his belongings are still at your house that this means a few different things.
1. He feels he can come back anytime he feels like it.
2. He is binging on a new romance and does not need his things.
3. He is leaving the door open to return.
4. You are his backup plan if his new romance does not work out.
5. He is a jerk.
In codependent relationships, guys or gals usually bite the hand that feeds them until they get hungry again. When his new romance wears off, he will try to get back in your good graces so you will continue to help him. Do not fall into this trap. Pack up all his things and put them in storage for one month. It will be worth the money to not put yourself into temptation by seeing him. He will probably be seductive and apologetic in case he ever needs you again. With so much recovery out there, a good codependent is hard to find.
Stay angry until there is a complete separation. If you forgive him now, you will be tempted to try one time. These guys and gals are usually seductive withholders. When they want something they are nice. When they have someone else to dance with they are withholding.
Despite your financial ties, get as close to no contact as possible. Make recovery your top priority as well as your children. They miss him now, but you are the one they really love. You are their primary caretaker and that is important. I put taking care of men ahead of my children and I lived to regret it. Your children will grow up and be happy if you can just focus on them for a few more years.
My biggest regret in life is being codependent in front of my children. My daughter went on to repeat my mistakes and my son hates me.
Build your self-esteem and pass this on to your children.
Do what people in recovery suggest. Rarely can a codependent stop trying to help people without some guidance and support.
Channel your love of helping people into charity work. Or like myself--a career. People who will be grateful and reciprocate.
Do not be embarrassed or ashamed. You are a good person who just loves the wrong people to much and does not save enough love for yourself.
God bless you and welcome to recovery
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Post by Linda S. on Jul 8, 2020 0:04:40 GMT -8
I can't see the post you are replying to, Susannah, but I could certainly relate to what you had to say. My marriage has been increasingly unsatisfactory and over the past 15 years my husband has withdrawn more and more. My response has been to give more, try harder, pray more, blame myself etc. When things came to a head at New Year and we were talking divorce, he started to change, was meeting some of my needs and I naively hoped things were turning around, but once the crisis passed, back to square one. I have had four months of separation due to covid and this has given me a chance to back off and examine what I have been doing. It is so painful to see how I have allowed myself to be used and abused....always a willing party.
I really don't know where I go from here, but I don't want to keep going around this same hamster wheel, which is why I'm here. Thanks for all the good information and support.
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Post by Sexlessw on Jul 12, 2020 3:51:35 GMT -8
There is a term for #4: You are his "fallback girl". Or as the book by Natalie Liu (sp) is called: "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl".
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Post by Sexlessw on Sept 16, 2020 3:27:27 GMT -8
Terra:
Perhaps, besides the fact you grew up in the USSR, your parent's parents didn't give them compliments and were cold. Of course, if you look at the history of the USSA and its decline, your grandparents lived through some harsh times.
Now you are in a different place - literally - so the OLD, learned way of living can be changed. It's difficult but wonderful to work against those structures.
I had to laugh when you described your education versus your daughter's education. Back in your youth, you really had to crank! And there were no computers, Internet or hand held devices. It was all on YOU with your books, pen and paper.
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terra
Full Member
Posts: 165
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Post by terra on Sept 16, 2020 5:37:37 GMT -8
You are absolutely correct: my parents did not know any better and they did the best they can. Under the circumstances. We are talking about generations of folks with severe PTSD: three revolutions and three wars have happened in last century and took a toll on millions and millions of people.
I still feel that those who are subjected to deeper kind of learning have better chance to succeed, especially here. A lot is predetermined here.
I still study, I have a passion for languages( major in English and world literature). But all my education starting from daycare, was always free.
It is quite different here.
All those who go to private high schools and then to East Coast colleges, are prone to success.
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Post by Sexlessw on Sept 22, 2020 3:51:57 GMT -8
Terra:
"All those who go to private high schools and then to East Coast colleges, are prone to success." I agree with you. And I'll leave that there.
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