Post by RoseNadler on Dec 10, 2020 7:38:18 GMT -8
I don’t even remember the last time I had one - it must have been over a year ago.
This morning, I said to L that I might put some Xmas decorations up. His response was some calm, bland words - I don’t even remember now exactly what words he said. What I picked up emotionally from him was a lack of enthusiasm.
That made me feel like I might have a panic attack. What if he doesn’t want to do much holiday stuff with me because he’s planning to dump me after the holidays?
If I wasn’t neurotic, crazy, addictive, and abnormal, I could get through the holidays and enjoy them, like a normal person - instead of hearing my partner’s lukewarm response to an idea and catastrophizing it into fear of abandonment.
I prayed, and I took an Ativan. I was also able to use some of the mental techniques I’ve learned over the years, from 12-Step programs, therapy, and self-help books.
I reminded myself that he hugged and kissed me three times this morning.
I reminded myself that one reason L appealed to me all those years ago was his Buddha-like calm and logical reasoning. (It was a refreshing contrast to my ex-husband’s emotionalism and childlike behavior.) Not getting excited about every little thing was what I liked about L in the first place.
I reminded myself of pleasant things that have happened lately - his smile and happy-looking eyes when we greet each other. And this little story: my birthday is in a few days. Last weekend, he came in looking happy and slightly mischievous and said, “I got someone a birthday present.” If he considered remembering my birthday a chore, I doubt if he would have done that.
Last night, L woke up in the middle of the night, coughing and choking. I’m usually a sound sleeper, but this woke me up. I was scared, but physically too groggy to do anything except ask if he was OK. (He was - it was his sinuses draining. L has the world’s worst sinuses.)
So, that disruptive event stirred my anxiety.
And, it’s the holidays, and we won’t get to do the family gatherings, etc., because of COVID. And I think the holidays make the COVID precautions feel worse. I already haven’t seen any of my family or my best female friend in about a year. I am pretty low-maintenance, being introverted. On the whole I’ve liked having the quieter lifestyle, and have tried to use the extra time wisely to do mental health and recovery stuff.
But this isolation is even getting to this introvert. I need to see some people I like and care about - other than my boyfriend. I’m used to doing more social stuff in general, and pre-COVID, sometimes social stuff was a stressor that wore me out. Now, ironically, I feel like I’m not getting enough.
It’s like a cactus: they don’t need a lot of water, but they do need some. I’m starting to feel like a cactus that needs to be watered.
This morning, I said to L that I might put some Xmas decorations up. His response was some calm, bland words - I don’t even remember now exactly what words he said. What I picked up emotionally from him was a lack of enthusiasm.
That made me feel like I might have a panic attack. What if he doesn’t want to do much holiday stuff with me because he’s planning to dump me after the holidays?
If I wasn’t neurotic, crazy, addictive, and abnormal, I could get through the holidays and enjoy them, like a normal person - instead of hearing my partner’s lukewarm response to an idea and catastrophizing it into fear of abandonment.
I prayed, and I took an Ativan. I was also able to use some of the mental techniques I’ve learned over the years, from 12-Step programs, therapy, and self-help books.
I reminded myself that he hugged and kissed me three times this morning.
I reminded myself that one reason L appealed to me all those years ago was his Buddha-like calm and logical reasoning. (It was a refreshing contrast to my ex-husband’s emotionalism and childlike behavior.) Not getting excited about every little thing was what I liked about L in the first place.
I reminded myself of pleasant things that have happened lately - his smile and happy-looking eyes when we greet each other. And this little story: my birthday is in a few days. Last weekend, he came in looking happy and slightly mischievous and said, “I got someone a birthday present.” If he considered remembering my birthday a chore, I doubt if he would have done that.
Last night, L woke up in the middle of the night, coughing and choking. I’m usually a sound sleeper, but this woke me up. I was scared, but physically too groggy to do anything except ask if he was OK. (He was - it was his sinuses draining. L has the world’s worst sinuses.)
So, that disruptive event stirred my anxiety.
And, it’s the holidays, and we won’t get to do the family gatherings, etc., because of COVID. And I think the holidays make the COVID precautions feel worse. I already haven’t seen any of my family or my best female friend in about a year. I am pretty low-maintenance, being introverted. On the whole I’ve liked having the quieter lifestyle, and have tried to use the extra time wisely to do mental health and recovery stuff.
But this isolation is even getting to this introvert. I need to see some people I like and care about - other than my boyfriend. I’m used to doing more social stuff in general, and pre-COVID, sometimes social stuff was a stressor that wore me out. Now, ironically, I feel like I’m not getting enough.
It’s like a cactus: they don’t need a lot of water, but they do need some. I’m starting to feel like a cactus that needs to be watered.
