Post by RoseNadler on Apr 8, 2021 7:32:48 GMT -8
“By just staying near to people who treat me poorly,
I am telling them it’s OK to do so.
I will only keep close to me those who treat me right.”
- Codepnomore, 2012
When I was a child, I thought my dad didn’t like me. He was cranky, irritable, and authoritarian.
So, after awhile, I began trying to avoid him as much as possible. Life was just less stressful, the less I had to do with him.
Of course, when you’re a child, it’s not always easy or possible to avoid a parent. Especially when that parent lives in the home - my parents never split up, and my dad (for all his faults) never shirked a duty in his life. He made sure I had everything I needed (except in the emotional sense). He wasn’t outright abusive; he was just cranky and sort of a jerk.
So, this is how I see it. I started out in life with healthy instincts - stay away from people who don’t treat you well (people whose presence in your life is stressful.) But a child can’t always avoid her father.
I have no doubt that this had an effect on my forming romantic relationships. Sometimes I would fall for men who were totally irresponsible because they were fun-loving - unlike my grim, hard-working dad.
Sometimes I would talk myself into being with a man who was responsible and hard-working, and then be disappointed when he never wanted to do anything fun. (Which then led to me acting out with other men.)
My dad and I have a much better relationship now. We have both matured, and become better at relating to people in general. And I know that his life wasn’t really easy, and his mother was a piece of work. (I’m at least the fourth generation of a dysfunctional family.) So, for the most part, my anger at him is past.
What I really want is a partner who is stable and responsible — who also likes to play and have fun. The first 12 years or so that my partner L. and I were together, that was how it was.
When he went through a period of health problems and depression, OF COURSE he didn’t feel like playing or having fun. And my inner child reacted to that like - well, a child. I look back at the emotions I felt during that time. It was all about my inner child thinking, “Daddy is always in a bad mood and always cross with me. That means he really doesn’t like me. So, I’ll keep out of his way. Who needs the aggravation? But I’m lonely and bored. Maybe somebody else’s daddy would play with me and have fun with me.” And that led right to my most recent period of acting out with POAs.
