Know Your Worth

The only two people who loved me as a child were my grandmother and my father. As it turned out, my father loved me too much if you get my insinuation and my grandmother's love was mitigated by the fact that my mother told me she was a horrible mother to her. Then I went to school, and I was bullied. Then, as an adult, I got involved with men who told me they would not marry me until I lost weight. By the time I got sober in 1982, I had no self-esteem. I was shame-based and loathed myself enough to cut myself now and then. Nobody appeared to set me straight until one day . . .

I was sitting at an AA meeting and I had a spiritual awakening. The entity I believe to be the Holy Spirit and said, "I love you." I answered, "How can that be? I am not loveable." "Yes, you are, said the voice. I asked my sponsor about it, and she said, "Why don't you listen to the voice. She is telling you the truth." I hesitated and then decided to believe the voice and give myself a break. That was the beginning of finding my self-esteem. It was a breakthrough followed by working the steps and changing one day at a time.

These days, I still struggle with my Inner Critic, but in the final analysis I try to love myself as much as I love others. Today I told my adopted grandson this story. He had told me that his stepsister lacked self-esteem. He asked what he could do about it. I suggested he spend some alone time with her and give her his complete attention. When she wants to know why she is getting all this attention, tell her that she is a very fine and loveable person. She will not believe it right away, but you will be sowing seeds that will blossom later into a garden of self-work. "Know yourself," said Plato and Emerson. "Love yourself," says your Higher Power. Now . . . pass that on to others by modeling the behavior of a person with high self-esteem.