Passion

My editorial about passion is attached as a pdf file.


I have been teaching people about love addiction for thirty five years, and I have seen our understanding of this disorder go through many manifestations and trends. Foremost among these trends is the love addicts’ addiction to passion and romantic love. It is the reason people are attracted to others. It is the reason people meet for coffee and begin dating. It is the reason people pick one suitor over another. It is the reason people marry, and, unfortunately, it is the most common reason people have affairs and divorce.

I was among the ranks of those who put chemistry and passion first until I got older and started to care more about compatibility, honesty, availability, genuine love, and loyalty. Then, I met my husband Frank who had all of these qualities. Unfortunately, I admit it took his death for me to value these things beyond measure.

Where does this new wave of passion before all else come from. It has its roots in the American culture and media. In a reaction to the archaic system of arranged marriages, young Americans stood up for their right to choose their own partner. Then the media presented the idea that the best person to choose was someone you were madly in love with. This brought a wave of approval among a society that was more and more interested in pleasure as the primary goal in life.

I believe that at some point the media went over board, and ushered in the idea that nothing felt as good as the chemistry of romantic love and nothing else mattered as long as you were in love. Unfortunately, the chemistry of love releases chemicals that can be over powering, and blind us to things that are also important. For many people it is also addictive.

Today, this pursuit of happiness through romantic love is epidemic. All my students insist that after recovery from love addiction they have the right to pursue the chemistry of love once again. They say this in various ways. When it comes to nice men, they say “there is something missing, there is not enough attraction, I have a right to be madly in love, life is not worth living without passion in a relationship,” etc. I also hear such comments as, “he was too available,” or “he bought me flowers and I think he is too anxious.” One woman said, “when he is unavailable he is more attractive to me.” This last comment refers to the recovering love addicts’ penchant for the unavailable men. We are not sure where this comes from but I suspect that it stems from having an unavailable father, or seeing chasing a someone as a challenge.

This trend is so powerful, that I have found it almost impossible to reverse it. It seems to take getting older or finally getting tired of the old dance to get my students try putting passion further down on their list of priorities. I don’t even try anymore to change their mind because I get accused of being too old, or anti-love etc. At the same time, I cannot remain mute on the subject. Not after the happiness I shared with my late husband, and not when I see the mad pursuit of passion bring so much misery to our young people today.

Let me end, by stating that I do not advocate the loss of passion, just the minimization of something that is so addictive. Every one has to make the choice for themselves. I support this.