Games in Relationships

This is an article is about the games people play in relationships. Eric Berne created the concept in his book, The Games People Play. Robin Norwood has some great insights about games in her book, Women Who Love Too Much

When two people are in a dysfunctional relationship they play games. Games are a term created by Eric Berne in his book, The Games People Play.

Games are interactions that two people use to control each other. The games become repetitive even though they do not work, and yet the couple still becomes addicted to them and can’t stop. This is all unhealthy communication.

There are three roles that each person plays in a game. Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer.

Let’s talk about the game that Harry and Sally play every Saturday night. Harry comes home from a bar at three in the morning. Sally plays Persecutor and yells at him for coming home so late. Harry plays Victim and tries to appease Sally. Sally feels sorry for Harry and plays Rescuer by giving him a hug. Nothing is resolved and they will play this game again the next time Harry comes home late.

There are many books about healthy communication: You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen, and Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, by John Gray—just to name my favorites.

I don’t have all the answers myself, as I play games with my son all the time, but I do know once you recognize this pattern you have to STOP.

Here are some suggestions about how to change and stop playing games:

• Read about healthy communication styles and substitute a good habit for a bad one.

• Recognize when you do something you don’t want to do. Dwell on this for as long as you need to. Continued awareness is the beginning of change.

• Break down the changes you want to make into manageable pieces. You can make a list if you want.

• Identify and make a list of alternative behaviors.

• Listen to yourself and say nothing in the middle of a game. When your partner finally stops playing, you can invite him or her to sit down and discuss this in a sensible way.

• Give yourself encouragement. Use affirmations.

• Seek advice and help from others.

• Join a support group like Emotions Anonymous.

• Make a commitment to a friend or support group; verbalization can really help.

• Find role models who exhibit the changes you want to make and observe them for as long as you need to.

• Remember: Action leads to motivation leads to more action.

• Don’t forget that changing is a process; it takes time. Be patient.

• Avoid negative attitudes that inhibit change. The glass is half full not half empty.

• Visualize the results; become goal oriented.

Regarding change . . . Don’t give up, even is change is slow in coming. If you continue to incorporate these techniques into your life, they will help you change yourself and your relationships for the better.