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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 16, 2022 5:14:26 GMT -8
Introduction
For years members of LAA used this forum to keep their personal journals about recovery. I am resurrecting that idea and creating this journal which I call One Day at a Time. It will be about my journey, both professionally and personally, in recovery from love addiction. If you want to journal on this message board, contact me and I will set up a forum just for you. Let me introduce you to a new word. I learned it from pastor John in Kenya. Nakupenda. It means, "I love you," in Swahilli. For my followers, here is the link to on of my other journals. susankathleenpeabody.proboards.com/Comments are welcome . . . Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 30, 2022 12:09:57 GMT -8
Spirituality
Spirituality has been a great part of my recovery. The Holy Spirit came to me in 1983 by way of a visitation. I think that is the only way I could have come to believe. In 2015, I had another visitation. This time by Christ who said, "I am real. I am the son of God. I died for your sins and was resurrected. Thus began the beginning of the most difficult part of journey in recovery. Jesus knew I would need his strength to survive, and I did. The changes in my life have been so profound that I could not have done them without God. I am grateful and I am humble. As we celebrate this Easter, I want to thank God for my recovery and a life full of happiness, joy, and freedom from love addiction. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 30, 2022 12:11:27 GMT -8
Suffering
I have chronic cluster headaches and it is depressing me. I fantasize about relief all the time. In modern times people want to be exempt from suffering. In the past, it has been accepted as a way of life. I have moments of self-pity which is not normal for me. As the headaches get worse, I get more depressed. My friend Shirley is praying for me and in her two-way prayer she heard from God that I will eventually be released from the pain. Meanwhile, I am seeking help from doctors and from God. I also need prayers which is why I am writing this. Thank you. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 30, 2022 12:14:13 GMT -8
Synchronicity
What used to be called miracles, we now call synchronicity. This is when two things happen at the same time in a way that transcends coincidence. Today, I read a passage from a book entitled the Four Agreements. The dedication was similar to the dedication in my book, The Art of Changing. To me this means that the dedications were universal knowledge, or wisdom from over the ages. What an honor it is to tap into this wisdom, starting in 1982 when I got sober and started reading spiritual literature. To the Circle of Fire
Those who have gone before.
Those who are present.
Those who have yet to come.
The Four Agreements
To my Family
Those who were;
Those who are; and
Those who are yet to be.
To the Seekers
Answer the door,
When you hear the knock.
It will be a faint sound,
Somewhere deep within your heart.
The Art of Changing 1993 |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 30, 2022 12:15:00 GMT -8
Ask God for Help
have a good friend who does not like me to talk about my love of God and my Christian faith. So, I asked God to send me someone to talk to about these things. Last week, I asked for outreach calls for my depression and John O asked me to go for a cup of coffee. He is my son's age and a pastor. My prayer was answered. God is good.
From "How it Works," in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
We were [addicts] and could not manage our own lives.
No human power could relieved our [addiction].
God could and would if sought.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 30, 2022 12:16:26 GMT -8
Karl and Susan
I am keeping a journal of my estrangement from my son Karl. We have a difficult relationship, and he has asked for some space. I am trying to accept what I teach others. "Love is not enough. It is like a flower without roots. We need compatibility and reciprocity in a healthy relationship." I adore my son but we trigger each other. I am turning him over to God for healing. I tried to do it myself for a long time, but I am powerless over this relationship and need to move on. I could not do this before when it was my idea. But God willing I do this at his request. Love is not Enough I am the parent of a troubled man. He is 52. He got neglected because of my love addiction. I feel a lot of shame and guilt, and I am trying not to let is become toxic. A few years ago, I got evicted and had to live with my son. He did not want me there and used it as an opportunity to process his resentment toward me. Unfortunately, he went too far and abused me. I left his house in the middle of the night with my husband and moved into a room in our church. Since then, I have tried to set boundaries with my son that seemed to work for awhile. We seemed be doing better because he was trying not to lose his temper. At the same time, now and then he would yell at me again about the past and then feel rejected when I had reached my saturation point. Finally, he contacted at me and asked me to not contact him anymore unless it was important. I agreed. The problem now is that two days into withdrawal, I miss emailing my son and telling him how much I love him. I thought I was helping him, but apparently it was triggering him. What a revelation. I am going to start this thread to process the pain I am right now. Today, I am feeling sad, but at the same time hopeful. I am turning the care of my son over to God. I am attending other 12-Step programs. I am not drinking or cutting. I am in God's hands. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 30, 2022 12:19:03 GMT -8
Circles
I feel hopeless right now. My mind is going in circles. After all my years in recovery, I still feel and think like a love addict. Fortunately, I no longer act like one. I have to give myself credit for that at least. My husband passed away two years ago, and lately I have been lonely. So, I reached out at my AA meetings and one man invited me out for coffee. It is strictly platonic for me. I have no desire to fall in love again. We had a nice time. Then I thought to myself, it would be nice to do in again in a week or so. I got home and emailed him. He has not responded. My mind goes into love addict mode. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? Why is he not responding? etc. etc. I am feeling sad, and it is insane. So what? There are so many people out there to meet and have coffee with. Why should I care about this one person. It is irrational. My addict brain says call and see what is wrong. Try harder. This is ridiculous. We just did not click. He is probably busy. No big deal. These things pass more quickly for me now that I am recovery, but once again I realize there is no real cure for love addict attachment dysregulation. I still want what I did not get as a child . . . for everyone to like me. This is not even logical, but my inner child wants what she wants. I confess all this not to discourage newcomers, but to be honest. It is through self-honesty that we make progress not perfection. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 30, 2022 12:31:52 GMT -8
Endings & Beginnings
I am sensing that a friendship of mine is running its course. I am getting those signals we all dread of someone else's unhappiness. The old me would be in despair and/or hysterical . . . making plans to save day. The recovering Susan is appropriately disappointed and preparing myself for the inevitable. All relationships have a life span. Some are short and some are long. When something is over it is best to let it go and move on.Letting go of my son is not helping matters, but that is another story. I am spending the day in reflection and refusing to blame myself. Love Addicts do this is the hope of fixing themselves and saving the relationship. I don't do this anymore. I have already tried to accommodate this person and it is not working. I am thinking a lot about the three friends in my life that I have left. Shirley (my friend in recovery), Ryan (my adopted grandson who adores me) and Vince (my spiritual project LOL). They all care deeply about me. I am also thinking about a brighter tomorrow. As usual, God is sending little signals that he loves me. This amazes me as I know he is busy trying to save the world. Writing always cheers me up. Everyone is in my prayers and my gratitude to God is without measure. Recovery is my sanctuary. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 1, 2022 16:35:47 GMT -8
LAA sprang from the bosom of Alcoholics Anonymous. Without AA, LAA would not exist. I want to share some of the things I have learned since November 7, 1982.
“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly that way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
I am in acceptance mode today. My son and I are estranged. A friendship just ended. This is life on life's terms, and I am at peace with this. I am serene.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 2, 2022 9:56:09 GMT -8
The topic at my A.A. meeting this morning was how to actuate our recovery. I shared that it begins with a decision, followed by a commitment, followed by action.
Decision
Commitment
Action
So yesterday I made a decision to stop helping my son to the degree I was. I then announced it to my friend Shirley. Under her watchful eye I changed my bank information so that less money would go to my son on the first of the month. With her help, and God's help, I was able to take action. Now begins the withdrawal . . . projecting on to the situation that he will be homeless or starve to death. LOL. My imagination goes wild during withdrawal, but it is all in my head. My son is very resourceful, and he will make it fine without my money. Amen
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 2, 2022 14:19:01 GMT -8
In my opinion, the rejection wound is worse than the abandonment wound. Abandonment can happen accidentally when a parent gets sick or dies. Rejection is an outright message to the person being rejected. My mother told me more than once, "I don't like you because you remind me of my mother." Ouch! Between my mother and my peers at school I carry the rejection wound around like a hot iron. It is burning my hand. I have to remember that God has not rejected me. In fact, I am one of his favorites. LOL Friends are nice, but not as fulfilling in the long run as the love of your Higher Power. Attachments:Rejection Wound.pdf (60.46 KB)
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 4, 2022 15:12:52 GMT -8
I have been chastized once again for breaking the rules. I posted an "inappropriate link" about my orphans in Kenya who are hungry and dying of AIDS. I have arguing all day with the Christian members about the letter of the law vs what my sponsor taught me which was, "When in doubt do the loving thing." To no avail . . .
I have always been a rule breaker even before recovery. In 1983, I brought a copy of Women Who Love Too Much into my A.A. Fellowship in El Cerrito, and I was not only chastised, they threw the book into the garbage. I fished it out and started Love Addicts Anonymous. There is an old AA cliche which says . . . all you need to start a new meeting is a resentment and coffee pot.
I am a complicated person. I march to the beat of my own drummer---a loving God as I understand him or her.
I am venting now for the sake of my recovery. Soon, I will put this in perspective and move on.
My article about rejection was very timely. Every time I write about something, it is rooted in my own pain. My friend just ended the relationship. She said I was "too needy, high maintenance, and too spiritual. I am. But I am lovable anyway.
I broke up with a guy once and in parting he said, "Susan, I don't know why you are crying, you know we are not right for each other." This was before I found recovery and I could not handle rejection.
EVERY relationship has a life span. Sometimes long and sometimes short. "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today."
I am struggling with the beginning of the end of my relationship with LAA. I am also in the middle of empty nest syndrome with my son. Oh woe is me . . . LOL
Life goes on, but only after some suffering. No pain; no gain.
Susan
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 8, 2022 9:25:16 GMT -8
God works in mysterious ways . . .
In 1983, I went to an AA meeting, secretly hoping they would talk about God. The topic was the first step and in my head a voice said to me, "Go to where they talk about God all the time." I took this to mean a body of worshipers . . . a church.
The problem was I did not believe in Christ. Still, I visited several churches and met a guru. I ended up at the Quaker Church where they told me I did not have to believe in Christ to attend. I stayed from about twelve years.
Then, I went to my daughter's church for a while and left. Then I went to my husband's church and left.
A few weeks ago, I started thinking about going back to church. But where do I belong?
Last week, I was on the bus and a woman asked me if she knew me from the Quaker Meetings in Berkeley. I said I did not think so but was thinking of joining the Quaker Meeting once again. She invited me to a Quaker Meeting on Zoom. It was wonderful. We all meditated together for about 30 minutes. I am very happy that I was on the bus that day.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 10, 2022 11:16:52 GMT -8
Nothing happens by accident . . . I have several ongoing prayers . . . to get some help and to meet new people as I am lonely since I lost Frank. This morning I had a very important appointment at 11:00 a.m. which I was waiting six months for. I decided to go grocery shopping first. My bus was supposed to arrive at 7:30 a.m., drop me off, and return for me at 8:30 in plenty of time to get home. So I thought. The bus was 45 minutes late and I missed my return trip bus. I was stranded and needed to get home by 11:00 a.m. I was distraught and prayed about it. Finally, a voice in my head said, "Ask for help." I have been listening to this voice in my head since 1982, when it said, "Don't drink today. I am here for you." So, I stood by the door of the grocery store and asked a woman leaving the store for help. She wanted to, but she was late for an appointment. This encouraged me to keep trying. A moment later an elderly gentleman passed by and I asked him to take me home. He said, "sure." I asked him if he was going to kidnap me. He said, "do you want me to?" We had a good laugh and he took me home and helped me upstairs with my groceries. So, I met someone new and I gave him my phone number for coffee. He left happy. I was happy. I now had an hour for my appointment. A moment later, my appointment arrived an hour early. The woman was there to interview me for free rides to go grocery shopping. She agreed to take me on, so I never have to take the bus again. Hallelujah. God is good. P.S. These little miracles happen to me all the time. I am blessed. May you also find a benevolent Higher Power! Attachments:
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Post by Shirley C. on May 10, 2022 12:04:01 GMT -8
Great news Susan 🌻
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 10, 2022 12:59:46 GMT -8
Update regarding me and my son and I. I spent Mother's Day wishing he would call, but at the same time turning it over to God. I did not hear from Karl until bedtime and he called. I was thrilled. He said, "I texted you this morning to tell you that your were the best mom in the world for me." You did not answer and I got worried. I was astonished. I was so busy all day turning it over to God, that I forgot to check my text messages. It reminded me of something my son told me when he was a teenager. I had given up all my dreams for the sake of my humility. He told me one day, "Mom, it is ok to dream, as long as you let go and let God." So let go . . . but keep on dreaming. End each prayer with, "Thy will be done." Then sit back and wait for the miracles to appear in your life, one day at a time. Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 10, 2022 16:50:47 GMT -8
I just spent a half hour with the woman I sponsor. She has the same name as my inner child. Sponsoring people is so rewarding. Everyone should try it. You only need a little bit more recovery than the person you sponsor. Let your Higher Power guide you through the process. I wish the people who are afraid to sponsor would give it a try. I read in a magazine article once that in order to avoid relapse you must switch back and forth between student and teacher. As they say in AA, "To keep it you must give it away." Don't be afraid. Don't be too busy. Take the plunge and just do it one day at a time. Attachments:
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RoseNadler
Administrator
Administrator
Posts: 1,123
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Post by RoseNadler on May 11, 2022 7:02:49 GMT -8
This is a miracle! Not flashy or exciting, maybe; but deep.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 14, 2022 9:35:11 GMT -8
I had another falling out with my son over money. He wants more than I have. I stood up for myself and set a boundary. He went into a rage because he has borderline personality disorder and he is too dependent on my subsidies to his income. This is a reoccurring event in our lives, but it always has its repercussions. I get sad. I experience separation anxiety. I start to missing not only him but all the loved ones I ever lost---my father, mother, daughter, sister, best friend and husband Frank. I tell myself that it is important to grieve---to feel the pain without self-medicating. Still it hurts. My solution is my Higher Power. I am also trying to reach out to others and get out of the house. What I know for sure is that this too shall pass. Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 16, 2022 10:31:50 GMT -8
I had a "dark night of the soul" last night. This happens when you feel defeated, and no one is home to take your call. So, you let your grief and depression overwhelm you for a while without self-medicating. It is all part of the process of deep healing. I have finally gotten around to grieving my mother, who was a misunderstood saint, my father who was an alcoholic, my daughter who had not yet forgiven me, my best friend who committed suicide, and my beloved husband Frank. I don't think my journey is quite yet done, but I still believe in a brighter tomorrow--one day at a time. Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 16, 2022 16:52:53 GMT -8
Hallelujah. God has come to my rescue. He has guided me back to my roots as a Quaker, officially known as the Society of Friends in Berkeley, California. Quakers believe is social activism. We go into prisons and support worthy causes. The Quakers believe that God is in all men, women, and children and talks to them directly. In the Middle Ages, this was punished by being burned at the stake. Some people think we are a woman's church because we support women, and the early Suffragettes were Quakers women who were brought up to believe they were equal to men. Some Quakers back East sit in silent meditation for an hour. But in Berkeley we have a pastor give a message and then people stand and share like an LAA meeting. Or they sit in silence. I looked at their Facebook page and found my beloved friend Guiseppe who was so humble that it put me to shame. I can't tell you how exciting this is for me. I knew God would send me a message to cheer me up. My apologies to those who don't believe in God or Christ, but this is my journal. I have had two visitations from my Higher Power, one in 1982 where "I came to believe." And one in 2015 when I was about to be thrust into the furnace of life. Both of these experiences changed me. In my first experience, I was told I was lovable and to do service, thus LAA. The second time I was given new information which I will keep private. I was also given the strength to survive the next few years under tremendous pressure to end it all. My strength is my faith. No matter how bad things get God comes to my rescue with a rainbow for a brighter tomorrow. Susan Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 17, 2022 10:21:25 GMT -8
Confessions of a love addict on the road to recovery. LOL
Ok, I went on Facebook to connect with my new church. I used to attend in the 90's and I recognized the man I loved at the time on the Facebook page. He was still alive. So naturally my inner child/love addict got excited and started fantasizing about reuniting with this man. Fortunately for me, the LAA promises have come true, and I can the difference between fantasies and reality. So, I had a good laugh at myself and came back to earth. Good day for recovery.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 18, 2022 16:57:11 GMT -8
My Higher Power got me out of the house today thanks to my new sponsee. We had a wonderful time with our inner child. We walked down the street flirting with strangers. True story . . .
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 23, 2022 16:52:24 GMT -8
I had a routine visit with a sponsee this morning and despite everything I said to dissuade her she could not accept the fact that her husband was a narcissist and that she was not responsible for that. And . . . that she could make all the changes in the world to herself, and it would not change the fact that he is a bad husband. I have thinking all morning about this.
I think the problem is that she does not want to give up the illusion she is projecting onto her husband which is that he is a really great guy and she is the problem. Therefore, she does not have to give up on the relationship. Instead, she will do all the changing and in so doing make him happy. Then he will love her in return. Thus, a happy ending.
Her denial is protecting her from the truth . . . that he is the problem; that he is a narcissist and they rarely change; that this relationship has to end and her dream of being happy with her husband has to die. She is not prepared for the separation anxiety that is waiting to overwhelm her when she comes out of denial. She is addicted to the illusion that she can fix things by being a better wife to hold onto to her dream of a life-time with one guy. She forgets that she chose this guy before she had a clue that there was narcissists out there.
When someone is stuck like this the sponsor has to plant the seeds of truth and hope for the person to have a lightbulb moment. I went through this with a client once before. We met everyday for six months and it took every moment of that time for her to accept the fact that she was the victim of a narcissist and he was not going to come back and that, indeed, she did not want him to come back because she deserved better. I kept praying for her and then suddenly she got it. She had to move on.
According to AA, "acceptance is the answer to all my problems today." Yes, love addicts must accept the fact that every relationship, both good and bad, has its own lifespan. It begins and it ends. We have NO CONTROL over when a relations ends. We must even bring upon the ending some times for the sake of our well being. When we grasp onto to this truth we are in recovery and at the beginning of a glorious new journey.
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