Post by Susan Peabody on May 24, 2022 17:18:21 GMT -8
Facing the Truth
I had a routine visit with a sponsee this morning and despite everything I said to dissuade her she could not accept the fact that her husband was a narcissist and that she was not responsible for that. And . . . that she could make all the changes in the world to herself, and it would not change the fact that he is a bad husband. I have thinking all morning about this.
I think the problem is that she does not want to give up the illusion she is projecting onto her husband which is that he is a really great guy and she is the problem. Therefore, she does not have to give up on the relationship. Instead, she will do all the changing and in so doing make him happy. Then he will love her in return. Thus, a happy ending.
Her denial is protecting her from the truth . . . that he is the problem; that he is a narcissist and they rarely change; that this relationship has to end and her dream of being happy with her husband has to die. She is not prepared for the separation anxiety that is waiting to overwhelm her when she comes out of denial. She is addicted to the illusion that she can fix things by being a better wife to hold onto to her dream of a life-time with one guy. She forgets that she chose this guy before she had a clue that there was narcissists out there.
When someone is stuck like this the sponsor has to plant the seeds of truth and hope for the person to have a lightbulb moment. I went through this with a client once before. We met everyday for six months and it took every moment of that time for her to accept the fact that she was the victim of a narcissist and he was not going to come back and that, indeed, she did not want him to come back because she deserved better. I kept praying for her and then suddenly she got it. She had to move on.
According to AA, "acceptance is the answer to all my problems today." Yes, love addicts must accept the fact that every relationship, both good and bad, has its own lifespan. It begins and it ends. We have NO CONTROL over when a relations ends. We must even bring upon the ending some times for the sake of our well being. When we grasp onto to this truth we are in recovery and at the beginning of a glorious new journey.