What Do I Expect of Myself?

I read from recovery books every day, and this came up for me this morning:

“….if we really believe we are good people, then aren’t we responsible to be good people?

…Prayer for the Day
…. Help me to see past my character defects and to be responsible.

Today's Action
Today I will write down three times I thought I wasn’t ‘good enough’ so that I could avoid responsibility”

—God Grant Me: More Daily Meditations from the Authors of Keep It Simple

This really hit me between the eyes.

Sometimes, when I put myself down or see myself as “less than,” or “bad,” there’s a darker motive that I’m not always consciously aware of.

If I’m “bad” in the first place, that’s an excuse not to expect much of myself. It’s an excuse to set myself up to do poorly.

This can take so many different forms.

“I’m bad at math, so of course I failed accounting. What did you expect?”

Similarly, “I’m a s—-, so of course I cheated on my husband. Why expect something different?”

Now, not to be disingenuous here: there IS a difference between having no natural aptitude for something, and allowing my emotions to lead me into harmful behavior.

The truth is, I *am* bad at math. But I did get through the basics; I can handle my money, save up for things, calculate tips, etc. I learned the rote skills to get through everyday life. If I’m not sure about some math-related thing, I can use a calculator or look it up online. That’s what calculators are FOR. They’re a tool to help me, when I need help with something math-related that I’m not naturally good at. There’s no shame in using the tool.

In the second example: I won’t sugarcoat it and make it look easy, because it’s HARD. My Inner Child feels hurt and unloved, and just wants to feel loved. The difference here is that other people are not tools for me to use to get my needs met.

What do I do in a situation where the right thing to do feels hard, and the wrong thing to do is safe, comfortable, and easy?

What do I expect of myself?

What if—just suppose—I’m NOT a s—-? What if I’m a normal human being who’s in pain (but basically a decent person)?

What do I expect of myself in this situation? Do I say, “I’m bad anyway, so why expect myself to be good?”

Or do I see that grain of goodness in myself, and encourage it, like blowing lightly on a flame to get it to burn stronger? (Or maybe try to have “faith the size of a mustard seed”?)

I can expect more of myself. I can be better than the hurt, sad, addicted Inner Child part of myself tells me I am. I can listen instead to the other little voice, the one that says, “Come on, Rose—you can do this. Just give it a try.”

The tools I can use in this situation are the things I’ve learned in recovery. I have all this knowledge inside my head. Wouldn’t it be wasteful not to use it to guide my behavior?

What do you expect of yourself?