Beyond Romantic Love

All my life I have been looking for love. After reading a few romance novels and going to a lot of movies, I believed I was looking for romantic love. I thought that it was the most important thing in the world, and I was willing to do anything to get it and keep it.

Romantic love (limerence) is wonderful. Scientists like Dorothy Tenov have shown that it produces chemicals that make us high and offset depression. This is why it is so easy to become addicted to love. As a depressed person, I thought when I was in love I had died and gone to heaven.

Romantic love has its own unique characteristics like the laws of gravity. It promises to last forever, but never delivers. It promises to fulfill us but it only makes us hungry for more. It promises to be what makes us live happily ever after but it doesn’t.

Romantic love is also based on projection. We meet someone we are attracted to and then we project on to them all our dreams for happiness. We do not see the person we are with for who they are but who you want them to be. This person does not have to be a good fit or even available, they just have to trigger this wonderful feeling of passion.

Some people spend their whole life looking for passion that will last forever. Most of us wake up eventually and look for genuine love based on more important things like honesty, kindness, and compatibility. Things that can be sustained for a lifetime. This does not mean we give up romantic love. It means we don’t expect it every moment of every day.

If you are struggling with this issue I have the following suggestions:


1. Re-evaluate romantic love. Re-prioritize what is important to you. Change your mind about romantic love. Decide to value other characteristics in a relationship as well as passion. Look for the following.

Trust
Availability
Readiness
Communication skills
Self-esteem
Sexual compatibility
Similar values
Patience and tolerance
Devotion
Ease (getting along)

2. Don’t fall in love with a projection (an image of someone)

3. Don’t expect instantaneous attraction unless you have a history of being attracted to the right person.

4. Encourage openness in the relationship so you can get to know the person you are with.

5. Let love grow instead of falling in love overnight.

6. Give someone time to win you over.

I was always addicted to attraction. If it was not there I was not interested in getting together with someone. I also believed in love at first sight and always looked for it.

After years of toxic relationships with the wrong men, I finally gave up on relationships. I was not going to settle for a boring man. It was all or nothing for me.

After sixteen years of being alone, I met Frank. He was a nice guy and wanted to date me. I agreed to see him but only if we could be friends.

Frank and I had a lot of fun together, and we really got along. Most of all, unlike all the other men I had been with, he was available. He did not play games, cancel dates or see other women behind my back.

One day Frank and I were going for a drive in the country. The sun was shining and we were laughing. He grabbed my hand and smiled. Suddenly I realized that I was happier than I had ever been in my life.

A week later, Frank was late picking me up for dinner. My heart started to race as I looked out my window to see if he had arrived. Where was he I asked myself? When he finally pulled up in the car I rushed out and gave him a hug. Then I realized I was falling in love for the first time with someone who actually loved me in return.

Frank and I were together for twelve years before it died of cancer. There were a lot of romance and good times. I am glad I let him grow on me, and that I was willing to wait for the passion. Romantic love is a great thing, but it is not the only thing. It needs to me mixed up with other things that make us happy.