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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 22, 2018 11:37:56 GMT -8
Closet Narcissists
Susan Peabody
Closet narcissists like to see themselves as kind and generous. You might say they are in “denial” about being a loving person. Sometimes they go out their way to help people. On the other hand, when triggered they have been known to go off on people the way overt narcissists do. So who are they—naughty or nice? Well, the honest answer is both. Narcissism is a mental illness, albeit an unsympathetic one, and I could tell you horror stories about the childhood of narcissists, but this does not let them off the hook. Once you grow up, the root cause of your problem becomes nothing more than an explanation of why you are the way you are. You are still, no matter how difficult it may be, obligated to change—to become the best person you can be, or at least better than the person you were when you started out. You might be thinking closet narcissists are nice people who get in a bad mood now and then. But the person who was victimized behind the counter at Starbucks would really disagree with you. She was too slow or talking to another customer and ignoring the closet narcissist. [CN] The CN was not just annoyed because he was being ignored. He was angry because he believed he was the center of the universe, and should be on the top of your priority list. When they are in line somewhere their attitude and body language says it all: “Step aside, I am here and I am more important than you because I am in a hurry.” Let’s talk about the situations that trigger narcissistic outbursts. They are stress, fear, being ignored and being the target of rude behavior. Let’s start with stress. It creates anxiety and the NC immediately takes over to handle the situation like a warrior on the battlefield. He has no diplomatic skills whatsoever and no patience. It is conquer or die trying. Fear, like stress, also triggers narcissistic behavior. Another major trigger for a CN is being ignored. This is typically referred to as a narcissistic wound. It stems from not getting enough attention as a child. Some neglected children become people pleasers to get more attention. The CN opts for negative attention. This is common if their is another child in the family who has already adopted the role of people pleaser. The CN will then act out to get attention. There is no real cure for narcissist personality disorder, but there is some hope for closet narcissists. If they are willing to accept who they are and initiate changes in their behavior, this will be a good start. Then they need to seek therapy to deal with underlying issues left over from a childhood of neglect or abuse. The Art of Changing, by Susan Peabody
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terra
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Posts: 165
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Post by terra on Jul 18, 2020 16:09:25 GMT -8
My xPoA is a true narcissist with overlapping borderline and anti-social traits. Of course, I am not a licensed medical professional but rather an observer with years of experience in dealing with one. He is generous but unkind. He helps but for absolutely wrong reasons, to stay in control and continue his mind games, manipulations etc. His " monetary aid" lacks genuine care and love. He would give cash to pay the bills( and he was living there, too) and yet appear condescending, arrogant, cheap or spiteful or all the above.
He is anything but nice, his efforts are not truly altruistic. They feed his insatiable ego and that quest cannot be won. His generosity is well-calculated and designed to con, deceive and mess the recipient up.
I agree about the triggers, have seen and experienced that way too many times. And God forbid, I did not answer his phone call in a timely manner, he would sulk and pout, or withhold to create anxiety or start attacking me. Stonewalling or accusation of something he was guilty of: the menu is rather primitive. My xPoA is spoiled beyond repair. He never apologizes or if he mumbles something remotely close to I am sorry, it lacks substance and repentance.
In my humble opinion, there is no light at the end of the tunnel for this one, at least, in this lifetime.
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Post by Sexlessw on Jul 30, 2020 3:35:55 GMT -8
Terra:
Once you are fully away from xPoA all of what you observed will NO LONGER BE YOUR PROBLEM. And that is true freedom.
No Contact = No New Hurts (I'm still getting through the OLD hurts)
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terra
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Post by terra on Jul 30, 2020 18:54:03 GMT -8
I have to admit that today, though it was busy and hectic, not once did he come on my mind. He has been gradually vanishing.
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terra
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Posts: 165
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Post by terra on Jul 31, 2020 16:09:31 GMT -8
Sexlessw,
I feel better by each day. The feeling of liberation I have gotten almost instantly once I realized that he was not returning.
I am free, calm, serene and stress-free.
But I am going to copy, paste and save all my posts, just to see, let' say six months from now I am going to feel.
This board is very helpful. Thank you all.
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Post by Sexlessw on Aug 2, 2020 2:59:31 GMT -8
Terra:
Now, that is fantastic to read. I am giving you a HUGE power salute. Isn't it amazing what self examination, doses of NC and stepping back does for you? Clarity is gained.
The more you occupy your time with healthy pursuits - busy and hectic too!- the less of a pull the PoA is on your thoughts. Takes a while, but you are getting there.
In 6 months you may not even be THINKING of him AT ALL, but you may want to read those saved posts. Then you will have a HUGE SHAKING MY HEAD moment, added with a Dr. Phil quote, "What the h*ll was I thinking!!!" as you read. Then you will look up, smile and say, "Not my issue anymore."
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RoseNadler
Administrator
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 2, 2020 9:59:12 GMT -8
Saving those posts is a GREAT idea. It’s very helpful to read what you thought and said and felt in the past - and contrast that with how you are in the present.
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