spaceodyssey
Junior Member
Where there's a Will, there's a way.
Posts: 53
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Post by spaceodyssey on Apr 20, 2010 13:25:18 GMT -8
Thank you I will
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Post by takingcontrol on Apr 29, 2010 7:46:22 GMT -8
spaceodyssey:
I can relate to your story. I was involved with my POA for two years and we are both married. During the two years he left (and went back) his wife two times. Every time he went back it hurt like hell. I told myself f- him. f- him for hurting me, I deserve better. But then, he would come around and talk to me about it... tell me how he loved me, how he made a mistake, how he was confused and wanted to "pick" me, but felt I wasn't "all in it" or I hurt him in some way to cast doubt.... And you know what? Every time I fell for it. I heard what I wanted to hear.. that he did care about me, that he did WANT me, that we could make it work.
This cycle went on and on for two years. I don't think I was every truly happy during all this time. We fought, we made up, and all the while we were both still married. This hurt and affected every aspect of my life, but it didn't matter, I just wanted POA.
You are right to take time for yourself now and really start healing and getting stronger. The more you learn about this addiction, the more you read and post, the easier it will be to rebuild your life and move past this pull your POA has on you. It is easier said then done since I'm right there with you sister ....
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Post by radishine888 on Jul 30, 2013 18:33:55 GMT -8
Hi I am in a triangle thats literally getting me obsessed. Today is better. Addicted to loving thoughts about my boss with whom I perceive and feel an emotional connection very strong. My loving husband who is so committed to me cares about me and I have out him through hell with my pathological jealousy. And now I am fancying my boss as I am working towards getting more emotional independence from my husband and getting free from jealousy. So its leading to a detachment from him and a refocus of attachment, bonding and ''love'' with my boss. Its getting easier to not obsess over my husband or the jealousy around his approval or thoughts/feelings about other women (which probably I obsess about more than him) and the focus shifted to my boss allowing my husband a respite from he constant focus and attention-seeking and jealous possessiveness I showed him. Although home life is now more peaceful, I beginning to obsess more and more about an intensity with my boss!! I believe he knows and I have felt humiliated that this showed a bit.
O! I did well today not focussing on the boss or sending any text at all or anything...reduced thoughts too.
Yet the emotional neediness, dependency and jealousy and love addiction seems undearneath the surface.
I'm seeking help to stop doing anything naive. I want to hurt nobody. Boss has lovely children. I don't want to act on any impulse or send any silly text or do anything naive. Thanks for listening.
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Post by Carito1988 on Jul 31, 2013 16:31:21 GMT -8
I am totally agree with that. I am a love addict and for me it has been difficult with my partner too, because he sheet on me some months ago and I knew it because I checked his e-mail and I found it. He admitted and he told me that he will do whatever he needs to stop this. Anyways I "forgive" him, but I think that if I weren't a love addict I had not followed anymore this relationship. I know I have a problem and I hope I can get over this.
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Post by radishine888 on Aug 12, 2013 20:07:36 GMT -8
Posting here has helped...I met with an incident that affected my health...almost like a wake up call. I posted here and also took time off and managed to avoid the POA..who is my boss...I did good. I'm afraid though that the contact, conversation or eye-contact could trigger it again. Posting here about this has helped. I plan to do so and get free of temptation and work on building my stable marriage with my very loving husband.
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Post by Summer_Azure on Aug 27, 2013 15:26:57 GMT -8
I have read a lot of those posts and I feel even worse because I am the one who creates triangles. As far as I remember myself it's the same pattern. I believed that when I would find the right man I would be happy and I was in the beginning... And when there was no more passion I was always starting to look for the next "excitement". It has always been so easy for me to fall in love with a new man and to leave the other one... But now I am married. It's not so easy to leave my husband just like that (even if we are in a sexless marriage) and it's not so easy to find a single man who will be serious about me while I am still married. Why would he? I know that you will hate me for the way I act, but I really suffer. I have a huge addiction over romance and the excitement of love. I can't find pleasure in nothing else, not even my children. I am ashamed to admit that. I know I should be grateful for all those good things in my life, but I always feel that something is missing. Something is wrong. I am sick and tired of myself. There are times I wish I would never have come to this world and that I feel resentful to my mother for having given birth to me. Why does it have to be so hard?
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Post by radishine888 on Feb 18, 2014 22:05:35 GMT -8
hi all I am very glad to say that I managed to escape or get over the addiction to my POA through the help of my higher power ad rescued my marriage. My husband got/ had a hint of it but I guess he has forgiven it and moved on too... much happened last year which led to much intense healing. Its so much better and what was I thinking? I managed to sstuffe through without unduly affecting his family or my marriage...THANK GOD! AND THANK YOU ALL...thanks for this board
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Post by brandy on Mar 1, 2014 19:52:40 GMT -8
I have discovered I am a love addict and the worst kind apparantly- a love triangle. I am a woman in love with 2 men and it is ruining my life. I have been dating one for 2 1/2 years and one for 1 year. I love them both but am torn between making a choice between the 2. One minute I am completely in love with one person and the next minute I'm sure it's the other. The instant I make the decision to be with one, there is a short sense of calm and feeling like I've just made the right decision, followed immediately by hysteria thinking this is the worst decision of my life.
I have had depression for my entire life since I was a small child. The guilt, shame, anxiety, and depression from my situation led me to attempt to commit suicide last April. I hate talking about that because most people think that is "a cry for help" or a way to get attention. I can assure you it was none of those. I just wanted the pain to be over. The pain I am constantly in.
I was so desperate for help I sought out Susan. Her first suggestion was a 30 day no contact with both men. I eventually (after a few tries) started the 30 day no contact. It's been one week. I think my situation is different in reading other posts in that I am not "ending" a relationship. For me, it's a time to work on myself, figure out why I'm doing this and how to stop so I don't keep repeating this my whole life. The first few days- I felt like this weight had been lifted off my shoulders. No anxiety. No worrying about one or the other, what to do, how they feel, how I'm hurting them..... I was hoping that this process will bring to light which person I should with- 1 or maybe none. It is coming to light somewhat but like I said that's today, and then there's tomorrow. For me it's hard because they are both wonderful men (and no I'm not being delusional, they actually are). If one or both of them were horrible, treated me badly, then I like to think I wouldn't be in this situation. That it would be so much easier. But they are both wonderful. Putting up with me is no easy chore. I'm like a roller coaster ride you just can't get off.
If I decide to end it with one- how do you let go of someone who has treated you better than you have ever been treated in your life? Someone that is always there for you. Someone who would drop what they are doing nite or day of I needed them. Someone who puts what I need before their own needs? How do you let go of someone who is now ingrained and a part of your family. Who will always have a piece of my heart? How do you let go of that?
Has anyone ever been in this situation? Can you help?
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Post by radishine888 on Mar 1, 2014 21:50:59 GMT -8
I am so grateful I was able to get out of my crazy insane self destructive potential triangle...which had potential to cause harm. I realize that much of the ''love'' was not really love...it was a selfish need for self importance ad ego inflation...it was about me more or less. I seem to have pretended to care but it was about feeling good about myself because I did not feel good about myself or love and accept myself enough. I can on;y give to others what I have...and I have been stingy with myself over love and approval and been harsh on myself. And I hoped these relationships and people outside of me would help fix that. And the funny things is that it seems that with love, the more one gives, the more one has...its the joy of loving and caring for someone genuinely...a joy that I can get once I first give to myself the love I desperately seek/seeked. I have begun to try to care more for my husband and its getting more satisfying to me as I try to do so. And I have been trying to give myself aceptance, approval and love too.
With the POA...OMG it turned out he turned the tables on me in a very mean selfish and shocking way at work... an my husband has been supportive to me. Its ironic and very humbling. Needless to say, I'm truly grateful for my husband and for my higher power and this group and recovery for helping me get to this place here. I'm beginning to realize that maybe I didn't really understand ''love'' and I'm willing to do so now. To understand real love and Gods love.
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RobW
Junior Member
Posts: 64
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Post by RobW on Mar 19, 2014 10:31:01 GMT -8
I just ended my part in a triangle 2 days ago. I definitely agree about how toxic and emotionally destructive they can be. I am LA and was dating an avoidant who was cohabitating with her boyfriend of 5 years. We dated for 14 months and we followed the distancer-pursuer (I was the pursuer) cycle many, many times. Our relationship ended at least 7 times in 14 months and then we go back together and started again. Each time, the cycle grew more intense. The case study provided rang very true to me because my PoA was similar in that whichever of us she was with, got her complete and undivided attention. Her ability to compartmentalize like that is stunning.
She repeatedly dropped hints about someday leaving her live-in boyfriend, but there was always some reason not to. Very typical. I was living in a fantasy land of denial and just kept thinking some day it would be different. The constant sense of jockeying for position and favoritism really resonates with me as I felt that very acutely. Over the course of our time together, I had frequent bouts of sadness so deep that I had thoughts of suicide, which is VERY out of character for me.
Having ended things and gone full NC with her, I am very much feeling a sense of relief right now. Relief that I no longer have to compete... relief that I no longer need to take part in the distancer-pursuer cycle. I know sadness will come and I will miss her at some point, but for now... I feel relieved.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2014 19:57:51 GMT -8
I just want to add to this thread this: Most of the PoA's that I was with were married. They never told me, of course, *until I was involved romantically with them*! Then it would take *forever* for me to break up with them.
I now ask men if they are married or separated before getting involved with them. I have begun to do this since 2003, when one of my PoA's had told me he was divorced, when later, I found out he was not. He was still with her. It had gotten out when he was in a really frightened state of mind. I had dragged it out of him---"What is wrong, (poa's name)?!" and he had said, "JC, I am scared that my wife will hurt us..." I had said "YOUR WIFE?!" and found out he was still married! He goes, "I am going thru a process of divorce..." and I had ended it immediately.
The man must be *divorced* or *single* or *widowed* before I will get involved with them!
Often men will not tell me what's going on. The Poas I had preyed on me. They acted interested, they lied about their lving situations and their relationships.
I was a victim.
Now I check them out and if they will not tell me, or if I find out later that they lie, I *end it*!
And now, since my goal is to stop being with men who are unavailable (and married or separated men are OUT!)I want to learn self love and self care before I get involved with *anyone* now. I want to be strong enough to end a triangle *the moment I find out that one exists*!
I need to love myself so much more than the PoA so that I can do this. Not drag it on and on! Not be in a triangle on and on and on!
I agree with what's said. They are toxic, they are destructive.
Jeanne Carol
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Post by CodepNomore on Apr 12, 2014 23:31:55 GMT -8
Unfortunately, many of them practice deceit. My very own father lied to my mom that he was actually a family man. Therefore, I advise anyone concern here to wait ample of time to check out their actions, make a thorough research and test everything, especially if you are in doubt and sensing that something is just not right about it.
Be 'hard to get' into a relationship. Have a high standard and know and set your limit.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 5, 2014 14:56:23 GMT -8
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Post by Loveanimals on May 6, 2014 3:39:22 GMT -8
Interesting article Susan as many on here have dealt with affairs.....
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Post by CodepNomore on May 17, 2014 9:01:13 GMT -8
Please stay away from triangle, couple or unavailable person . If you like someone who is already married or in a relationship, stay clear of that couple's path.
Remember this: you cannot play with fire without you being burned. Triangle is too painful for everyone involved. So don't think you will be spared from its tragic consequences. Therefore leave them alone and take care of your life.
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Post by mlchris on Oct 25, 2014 16:42:26 GMT -8
I am back again. When will I ever learn? I just keep moving backwards. I am in real trouble this time. I have completely fallen for a married man who has already told me that he has no intention of leaving his wife. But I can't let him go.
We started out as only friends. He was having some issues that he was uncomfortable sharing with his wife and he was looking for a friend to confide in. I became that friend, and before I knew it we were sharing things about ourselves with each other that we had never shared with anyone else. We were finding that we had more and more in common with each other and trusted each other with things we wouldnt dream of trusting anyone else with. Forming this bond led to sex, and the sex caused even stronger feelings to develop. Before I knew it I had fallen head over heels for this man without even expecting it.
Now I dont know how to get out. I can't even imagine going NC because I cant imagine ending our friendship. I know he would be devastated and at the same time I am devastated because I know I cant be friends when I feel and want so much more than that.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2014 17:34:13 GMT -8
Are you getting what you want from this married guy though? I wouldn't advise being friends with him because he's inappropriate. I think his "red flag" was confiding in an outsider (you) and telling you he didn't feel comfortable confiding in his wife. A married man using you as a confidant in secret, behind his spouses back is disloyal and inappropriate. Even without the sex, it was inappropriate.
Have you identified what you want in a relationship?
By my standards, this guy doesn't have the ability to provide what I want from a man in a relationship. He's dishonest and untrustworthy, and unavailable. How is he meeting your standards?
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Post by Havefaith on Oct 25, 2014 19:39:45 GMT -8
Yes, you are truly in "real trouble" this time. At least you know that. Like any fantasy 'relationship', this will not end well. But again, you already know that as well. You are neither the first nor the last to glom onto someone who is emotionally unavailable. You might want to check out Ethlie Ann Vare's book and blog. Here is the link: affectiondeficitdisorder.comYou have my sympathy and my prayers... HaveFaith
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Post by mlchris on Oct 26, 2014 0:16:19 GMT -8
I didn't want to get so personal in my post, but the whole reason we became friends in the first place was the fact that we are both closet bisexuals, and he needed someone to talk to about it as he has no one else and he doesnt feel comfortable discussing this with his wife. She has no idea about his sexuality. She would never understand and if you arent in the same situation you wouldnt understand either. Thats why I didnt expect anyone here to understand when I posted this. But I understood him. We connected. And things went from there. I guess this was the wrong place for me to come to ask for help.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 26, 2014 1:12:52 GMT -8
I didn't want to get so personal in my post, but the whole reason we became friends in the first place was the fact that we are both closet bisexuals, and he needed someone to talk to about it as he has no one else and he doesnt feel comfortable discussing this with his wife... Qualifier: Unavailable, problematic man. Action Taken: As a codependent "rescuer", you get involved with his issue and try to fix it Result: You become too attached, disregarding your own needs and values, and mostly having a hard time letting go. Solution: What do you think you can do about it? On a different note, triangle usually starts as an emotional affair in the form of "friendly concern". Until it becomes anything but a harmless platonic one. What can help to wake us up from taking it further down is to take it as it is: Triangle is an adultery. It can be compared to stealing someone else's property. And we cannot take someone else's role, regardless if we are the "only one" who can understand. We are not HP or a savior. Our concern must be focused on our responsibilities to ourselves first. Let us not be a third party. We deserve better than this.
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Post by mlchris on Oct 26, 2014 2:41:26 GMT -8
How can being a friend to someone who understands you, and be the only person in the world that they trust, not be helpful? You are all telling me we can't be friends, but terminating our friendship would devastate both of us. I feel trapped, because I know this is not a good situation, but I feel that betraying our friendship would be even worse. Not just for me, not just for him, but for us both. I can't just do that to someone that not only depends on me for moral support, but is always there for me when I need it as well.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 26, 2014 2:58:37 GMT -8
Hi mlchris, Nice to hear from you again and I'm sorry to hear you have fallen for a married man. That must be incredibly frustrating for you. When you're ready you will be able to sort it out. It might take a bit of time to get up the courage to make the break. After all, it's not every day we feel so connected to someone. The only problem being the circumstances we, as love addicts, can choose in order to feel safe enough to form that connection. My thoughts are with you.
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Post by Havefaith on Oct 26, 2014 5:03:51 GMT -8
mlchris, I have been there and I have done that. Not exactly the same circumstances, but being a friend to someone whose wife/partner didn't 'understand' him. So I get it.
Friendship is wonderful, it is a gift. But when the relationship goes from platonic to sexual -- and the person is unavailable ("no intention of leaving his wife") -- suffering ensues. No surprise there.
What to do? Ultimately, that is up to you. Everyone here can help, support, advise, or share their experience, strength and hope. But it is you that has to make the choices and decisions as to where this friendship is headed.
HaveFaith
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 26, 2014 6:02:59 GMT -8
We both have gone through separation (divorces, death of loved ones) and a lot of other things in-between already. At this point in time, "being helpful", "betrayal of friendship", should not even be a major issue to us. Recovery and saving our dignity should be more our priorities.
Now if this man really wants you the right way, he should prove it by his action. He would divorce his wife and treat you with respect and not use you as the "comforter", other woman.
Feelings of attachment, bonding through sex, forming triangle are all toxic elements disguising themselves as "one and only" (soul mate) "always there" 'friendship', "great connection", a "must-have" relationship, etc. But when reality breaks in, it will all boils down to - Does this relationship gives me dignity and is healthy for me?
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Post by mlchris on Oct 26, 2014 6:17:27 GMT -8
I guess I am just different because being a true friend to someone who depends on me for that does give me dignity. I value loyalty because I've never had anyone be loyal to me, except this man. No, he is not considering divorcing his wife for me but he is there for me as a friend whenever I need him, and I feel that I should be that to him as well. He has no one else to go to and abandoning him, regardless of the situation, is the last thing on my mind at this point. I could never hurt him by doing that to him. Call me naive but I wont do it.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 26, 2014 7:48:24 GMT -8
I will not call you naive but I will call you to action:
If you have any family member, pure friends (with no string attached), sponsor, community aside from here, please ask their advice and support.
In a way, this is similar to "identity crisis". Letting this triangle relationship defines your significance. By the way, I also am a loyal friend and my ex-POA is very attractive and we love each other. But we never had any romantic, sexual or physical relationship and we are both single and available. True friendship has boundary and honors the other person's values, not betraying his wife's trust and masking an affair as "friendship". You are being used because you are the "other woman" here. He gets what he wants from you for f r e e.
Until you learn to truly value yourself and position yourself where you truly belong (not as other woman), only then you will realize that you deserve so much better than this kind of toxic set-up. When you finally choose to go to the Light instead of staying in the dark with this married person, you will know what dignity I am talking about and you will be proud of yourself.
I still believe you can rise up from this mess. Just be honest and add more humility to your recovery tools.
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Post by mlchris on Oct 26, 2014 8:05:54 GMT -8
I will tell you just as I have told others....I refuse to let anyone convince me that I am being used by this man. I refuse to let anyone convince me that he is the enemy. If you knew him it might be different, but you don't. I am not his "booty call" nor is he mine. We are two friends that share very similar situations and connect in a very unique way that no one can ever understand. He chooses to stay in his marriage not because he loves his wife but because she has trapped him and because of certain circumstances that he has no control over. And these are true facts, not just things that he has told me in an attempt to keep me around. I have been used by many others in the past and this situation is by no means even close to that. I am really beginning to believe that he and I are the only two people in this world that actually knows what a true loyal loving friendship is. Not one person have I found that understands that.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 26, 2014 8:25:22 GMT -8
If that is the case, why not put this thread under the "Successful Relationships In Recovery"? By the way, denial and rationalization can keep a person stuck and more sick than ever. So more excuses mean more serious harm to the people involved.
You don't need anyone to understand you and your toxic triangle relationship. You only need you to come to this realization.
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Post by mlchris on Oct 26, 2014 9:34:32 GMT -8
I don't think this place is for me.
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Post by Havefaith on Oct 26, 2014 10:22:36 GMT -8
My words were based on what you said, "When will I ever learn? I just keep moving backward."
If you think you are doing the right thing, then being here is not necessary. If you think you are moving backwards, then being here will be painful at times, because we do not always like what we hear. People do care. People do understand. As for me, I have fallen for unavailable men. They remained unavailable, and the emotional price I paid was brutal. My friends were appalled, my therapist tried pointing out the damage I would cause myself and the others around me, my psychiatrist approached me with a 'tough love' style.
Did I listen? Nope. Because I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe. I went from person to person, trying to get someone to 'agree' with me and my actions. Not until I was ready, and that is when I hit rock-bottom, was I ready to face the truth, and not some fantasy version of truth. A slow learner? You bet I am. It took me a long time to discern fact from fantasy.
Ultimately, you will have to make the decisions and choices in your life. Not us. Not a therapist. Not a psychiatrist. Just you. Whatever you decide to do, let it be based on TRUTH. The truth is what sets us free and allows us to live a life of dignity.
HaveFaith
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