Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 7, 2023 11:57:42 GMT -8
One Day at a Time
Someone asked me the other day what was the hardest thing I ever had to do. The answer is launching my son into adulthood.
When my son was born, I was an alcoholic codependent. I drank so much that I neglected him. I spent all of my money taking care of my boyfriends.
When my son was twelve years old, I got sober, but I did not stop taking care of men hoping they would love me in return.
Then, I discovered that I was codependent by reading Women Who Love Too Much, and I stopped taking care of my boyfriends. I thought it was the end of my codependency, but within a few years I started trying to save my son from his addiction to spending. I gave him money all the time to try to make up for what I didn't do when he was a child.
I told myself I was helping him, and this distracted me from the toxic guilt I had about the past.
Eventually, things got out of hand and my son started abusing me when I would not give him money. It all came to a head when I gave him my rent money to get his cars out of the tow yard, and then got evicted from my apartment. I moved in with my son and things got worse. The abuse got worse, and I was in total despair. I did not know where to turn. My love for my son had turned to hatred of both him and me. My sympathy for him had led me down a path of complete hopelessness.
One day, I was driving, and God said to me, "Don't go home." I obeyed and went to a homeless shelter. Once I was safe, I started setting boundaries with me son. I am stopping giving him all my money and started taking care of myself.
I began by not taking his phone calls. His voice always triggered my guilt. After a while I took his phone calls but said, "no" when he asked for money. For a while this made him angry, but eventually he stopped asking. This was a turning point.
Then, I wrote a letter to my son explaining how important it was for him to learn how to take care of himself. He needed to pay his own bills and rescue himself from his problems. He needed to grow up.
It took time, but eventually, my son did just that and today we are great friends.
It is important for codependent parents to stop rescuing their children and help to launch them in adulthood.
Attachments:
