Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 10, 2023 16:09:00 GMT -8
The Inner Child
Susan Peabody
"But I have stilled and quieted myself, just as a small child is quiet with its mother. Yes, like a small child is my soul within me." Psalms
The “Inner Child” is a term adopted from a concept introduced by Eric Berne in his book, The Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. In his book, Berne introduces the world to transactional analyses, a revolutionary new way of looking at the human psyche. Later Thomas Harris in his book, I’m OK, You’re OK, popularized this idea. Berne’s Child Ego State eventually became the Inner Child,” which in turn led to a series of popular books: Hugh Missildine’s Your Inner Child of the Past; Charles Whitfield’s Healing the Child Within; John Bradshaw’s Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child; Philip Oliver-Diaz and Patricia O’Gorman’s Twelve Steps to Self Parenting; and Cathryn Taylor’s The Inner Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When it Won’t Go Away—just to name a few.
Over the years the concept of the Inner Child has been both applauded and trivialized, but it is still an important tool to help us finally grow beyond an arrested state of development which stems from childhood trauma.
When I first heard about self-parenting, I was excited about what it offered. I recognized that part of my personality that embodied an emotionally undeveloped little girl who felt unloved and ashamed of herself. Up to this point, I had never really had a concept of myself this way. I had been told by my friends that I could “act like a child” and I knew that I was wounded, but it never occurred to me that I could heal this part of myself. Suddenly I was excited about giving my Inner Child the love and benevolent discipline that she had been denied years before. I also knew that loving my Inner Child would help me focus on changing myself rather than trying to change others.
I met my Inner Child in an un-programmed meditation. I got into a comfortable position and closed my eyes. Then I let my mind wander until my little girl appeared to me. In my meditation we were in a park together. She had an angry expression on her face, but I could sense the pain and sadness that lay beneath her anger. I called to her, but at first she refused to come near me. Eventually, however, she slowly walked toward me. When she was finally close to me, I reached out and stroked her hair. She immediately broke down and cried.
I took her in my arms and began rocking her back and forth. I reassured her. I told her I was here to be her mother. I promised to give her everything that she needed to feel loved and safe. Since then, I’ve continued to develop a relationship with my Inner Child as a way of learning to love myself. Today, this relationship is threefold: I love and comfort my Inner Child Susie. I set limits with with her, and we play together. This is called re-parenting.
As a result, she has, for the most part, stopped acting out, and her pain no longer permeates my life. She is content and no longer needs mood-altering experiences to anesthetize her pain.
Also, it is important to remember that no one else can re-parent your Inner Child. It is too late for that. Many wounded people want someone to take the place of the original parent and re-parent them with love and all the things they did not get as a child. We turn to friends, lovers, therapists, pastors, etc. and only end up overwhelming them. Now that you are an adult in recovery you must re-parent yourself.
Finally, it is important to understand that, in my opinion, the Inner Child is eternal. Emotionally, she will always be wounded and need your love, protection and benevolent discipline. In your recovery she will come and go and will always need you. Be there for him or her.