Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 19, 2023 17:41:15 GMT -8
The Long Journey
from
Loneliness to Solitude
Susan Peabody
“Naturally, how one hates to think of oneself alone. How one avoids it. It seems to imply rejection or unpopularity. An early wallflower panic still clings to the world. One will be left, one fears, sitting in a straight-backed chair alone, while the popular girls are already chosen and spinning around the dance floor with their hot-palmed partners. We seem so frightened today of being alone that we never let it happen...When the noise stops there is no inner music to take its place. We must re-learn to be alone.” (Ann Morrow Lindbergh in Women and Solitude)
Love addicts are always trying to run away from some emotions. They are terrified of rejection, abandonment, and the feeling that they are inadequate without being loved by someone special. Most love addicts are also afraid of loneliness.
The loneliness begins in childhood. Many children do not get enough love and attention. Their parents may take care of their physical needs, but they are not available for an emotional connection. They may be too busy, avoidants, caught up in some kind of addiction, or just unable to connect because of their own childhood issues.
Regardless of why parents are unavailable, the impact is the same. Their children grow up with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and a profound hunger for love. Many of these children are also ashamed because they blame the parents’ absence on themselves. To deal with this problem children find some kind of coping mechanism. Love addicts go hunting for love outside their family.
Some love addicts even go looking for love even when they are in a relationship. They may grow up, get married, and have affairs. Unfortunately, no matter what they do, the love addict goes unsatisfied because love addiction does not cure the loneliness left over from childhood deprivation. The loneliness runs deeps into the soul and relationships with others is just a temporary distraction.
So, what can we do about this kind of loneliness? We can develop a healthy and satisfying relationship with ourselves and with God.
This may sound trivial or difficult at first, but it is very important in recovery to make this long journey from loneliness to solitude.
Consider doing the following:
• Learn to enjoy your own company. Embrace solitude. Have fun with yourself. Be optimistic about solitude. This is a mindset.
• Join a 12-Step program and work the steps with all your heart.
• Be open-minded about God and spirituality.
• Practice spiritual disciplines every day—prayer, meditation, service.
• Research the subject of low self-esteem and find ways to get closer to yourself and to love yourself.
• Talk back to your Inner Critic.
• Practice Inner Child work—love, comfort, reassure, talk, listen and set limits with your Inner Child.
• Join a faith-based group of your choosing.
• Understand the difference between normal human loneliness and toxic loneliness that leads to depression, despair, and love addiction.
• Accept the fact that all human beings get lonely sometimes and there is no need to over-react. Just sit with it while looking for companions.
• Understand that a romantic relationship is not the only way to alleviate loneliness. We are often brainwashed by the media and told that we are nothing until we are loved by someone in a romantic way. This is just not true.
• Do something creative that lifts your spirits. Share it with the world.
• Look for healthy friends. Get rid of toxic friends. By healthy I mean people who are available and compatible and mature or at least in recovery.
•Get out of the house.
• Let all of your toxic relationship go no matter how hard it is. Toxic relationships can make you really lonely and in despair.
• Turn to God for companionship. Imagine that God is a human being and spend time together.
I asked my sponsor in 1982 if one could die of loneliness. She said, “yes.” Then she directed me to A.A. where I found myself and I found God. Today, loneliness is just another emotion, and I can live with it until it passes. And, I promise, as long as you are working toward recovery, it will pass.