Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 3, 2023 13:55:04 GMT -8
A new chapter in my book, God Stories . . .
Kathy
When I was nineteen years old, I had the emotional maturity of a ten years old. I dreamed of having children, but there was no way I was ready. Not realizing this at the time, I allowed myself to get pregnant.
Despite my dream of becoming a mother, when I realized I was pregnant I went to the doctor and told him I needed an abortion because I was not married. This was in 1968. The doctor asked me if I were sure. For some reason I decided to pray about it. I asked God what I should do. He said, “Susan, give this baby a chance.”
I did decide to keep my baby even though I was under a lot of pressure by some family members to give her up for adoption because I was not married and Kathy was interracial.
Seven months later, I gave birth to my daughter Kathy. When it was time to leave the hospital, the nurse put Kathy in my arms, and I burst out in tears. The nurse patted me on the shoulder and said, “You will be fine.” I took this as a message from God.
I nursed Kathy for eight months and tried to be the best mother I could. My mother helped me a lot and gave me a few hints about how to take care of a newborn. My mother was a saint with regard to helping me during this stressful time and later when I was rasing my children.
Kathy’s birthday was January 12, 1969. When she was three months old, I got a letter from my grandmother. She said, “Susan, no one in our family has ever had an interracial child out of wedlock. This is unacceptable. I never want to see you or your child again.” The irony of this is that Kathy was born on my grandmother’s birthday. True to her word, she never spoke to me again, even at my grandfather’s funeral.
Kathy was a fussy baby, but a perfect child. She did as she was told and never gave me anything to worry about. When she started school, she was the most popular girl in her class. The mothers of the other children called everyday to if Kathy could come over to their house and play with their children. They always said, “Susan, your daughter is a lovely child.”
The teachers also loved Kathy and yet the other children were not envious of that. Kathy was the golden child for sure. I thanked God every day for the joy she gave me.
Kathy grew up and married. Then she had two children: Isabelle and Hailey. She also attended church every week and was a good wife and mother. I would say exceptional.
Kathy was also popular at the church she attended, so one day they recruited her to be the church secretary. It just happened to be at the same place that her daughters attended school. This allowed Kathy to be close to her children more often. At this point, I knew God was really supporting my child and I was so grateful.
Despite all this, I was still struggling with my own personal demons and was often very immature. Amazingly enough, it was Kathy who showed a lot about how to get along with people, and how to live a life of faith. She was just naturally mature and spiritual. I did not have good role models while I was growing up, so in many ways she was my teacher.
After her second child was born, Kathy developed a severe case of arthritis. It was very painful and debilitating. I took her to the doctor and he prescribed some medicine. It helped, and she took it for eight years. Unfortunately, when she was forty six years old it took her life. It gave her a heart attack by building up in her system. Apparently the medicine was experimental.
I was devastated, but decided to be stoic. It was easier that feeling the pain of my grief. Eventually, however, “stuffing my feelings” turned on me and I got depressed, ill, and suicidal. I was in despair.
After a year of this, I finally decided to reach out to God and ask him to help me. To this day, I do not know why I waited so long. Over the next few months God slowly gave me strength, love, and hope for a brighter tomorrow. With his help, I finally processed my pain and got to a place of acceptance.
Today, I miss Kathy with all my heart, but I am not in despair. I am able to get through each day and accept God’s will for me and my daughter. Most of all, I am eternally grateful that God suggested I keep my baby—-my beloved Kathleen Susan McKnight.