Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 11, 2024 14:52:44 GMT -8
Sebastian is one of my clients. He has given me permission to post our correspondence to illustrate points about dating in recovery. He has been dating this particular woman for about two months and we have discussed it several times. My comments to his observations are in green.
February 10, 2024
Observations
She seems to be always struggling between feeling secure and feeling exited with variety- she is ambivalent.
Good observation.
She knows she is attractive and uses it as a form of power to get attention and feel secure. She tries to meet her strong desire for security with her sense of attractiveness of which she feels certain.
Good observation. All beautiful women are like this. They start getting attention as children for being pretty and get addicted to it. Like you said, it is a sure thing. It is exciting. It becomes habitual. It is also sometimes a coping mechanism for childhood neglect or abuse.
This is evident where she keeps saying she leaves all to God- she is insecure of making decisions, by appealing to God this points out to how much certainty is so important to her. Even when I asked her if feeling secure was more important than feeling exited and adventure she said she didn't know, meaning she has such a strong desire for certainty and security to the point she cannot even make up her mind.
This is her coping mechanism. Anything we do starting in childhood to cope with fear, sadness, low self-esteem, etc becomes a liability in our adult life. Most bad habits and addictions are coping mechanisms. We are usually not aware of them.
She keeps bringing the theme of God every time she faces the human need of reassurance but at the same time remains exited with her lack of commitment.
God is important, but he should not be a crutch which is what she is doing.
When I express the value commitment has for me, she changes the conversation to talk about exciting things about nature or God.
She is not only ambivalent, she is a commitment phobic. Such people can fall in love but cannot or will not commit.
She talks about past failed relations with excitement which again denotes her unsustainable priorities for security and certainty with excitement and adventure. I think she wants love, but her primary desire for stability and security is in conflict with her also very strong secondary desire for excitement and variety, so she keeps bringing God in the picture for reassurance avoiding love and commitment.
Excellent observation.
Conclusion- she is not ready for love yet.
Or she might be ready for love but nothing beyond romance and dating. You are looking for more.
She seeks a sense of security in past exciting relations where she can feel in control remembering them. She is not completely done with past failed relationships; in fact she still remembers them as a form of achievement and holds to them because they support her underlying belief that feeling security and adventure are more important than loving. Even if they are not fulfilling they sustain her beliefs. She likes to experience her seduction where she feels a strong power to reinforce her belief system.
Excellent observation. Years ago, I coined the term “seductive witholder” to describe such people as this.
Diagnosis: Ambivalent Romance Addict:
Ambivalent, seductive, withholding at times, superficial, untreated neurosis, controlling, immature-—not relationship material beyond dating.