Different Boundaries

I told one of my clients that he needed to learn more about boundaries. (My therapist told me the same thing in 2009.) This man said, "I do not like the word boundaries. To me it has a negative connotation." So, I have written the following explanation:

There are many kinds of boundaries, some are healthy and some are not. To me, a boundary is like a fence around your house. Some people have no boundaries and intruders just rush right in. Some people have weak boundaries and predators push right past them. Some people have boundaries that are like walls without a gate and no one can come in. Healthy boundaries are strong but have a gate that can be unlocked when your friends show up.

1. No boundaries stem from severe abuse to a passive child. Such people are called schizoids. They become slaves to others.

2. Weak boundaries are what codependents have. They need stronger boundaries.

3. Some boundaries are too strong, like a wall, and keep people out completely. Avoidants have such boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are like the tale of Goldilocks. They are "just right." The bad guys are locked out. People you don't know have to show who they are in the peep hole of the gate. Your trusted friends and partner have a key.

Remember: Healthy relationships are like a dance. You hold on to someone, but you keep some space between you to maneuver. When I taught my class Addiction to Love, I would draw circles on the chalk board. Love addicts had one circle within a another to represent a couple. Love Avoidants had two circles side by side. Healthy couples had circles that overlap.