Terms for Love Addiction

The concept of love addiction comes from a psychotherapist by the name of Stanton Peale who wrote the book Love and Addiction." My book came out a few years later in 1989 and I entitled it Addiction to Love. Today, I have some misgivings about the term “love addiction.” I think now that the subtitle of my book is more appropriate: “Obsession & Dependency in Relationships.” As explained in my book, I am talking about an “unhealthy dependency.” A dependency of food and water to survive is necessary dependency. This metamorphosis in my thinking has come from my reference for the word love as outlined in scriptures.

So, what shall we call love that hurts? Well, I think everyone must decide for themselves. Here are some ideas.

Obsession
Unhealthy Dependency
Mental Illness
Codependency
Toxic Relationship
Addiction to Limerence
Unrequited Love
Love Sickness
Infatuation
Lust
Thinking Disorder
False Love
Unhealthy Love

Mental Illness includes OCD, obsession, erotomania, and an attachment disorder.” Obsession means that no matter how hard you try you can’t stop thinking/fantasizing about another person you have bonded with. Obsession is often the cause of suicide. Erotomania is the false belief that the one you are obsessed with loves you. An attachment disorder used to be something that happened when a child was separated from his or her mother. We now recognize “adult attachment disorder." (There is a case for all of the above-mentioned terms to be a form of mental illness, but these are the terms recognized by psychologists.)

Limerence is the scientific name for the “high” one gets when certain chemicals are released from the brain into the blood stream after being attracted to someone.

An Unhealthy/Toxic Relationship is with someone who is attached to the companionship of another person and can’t let go no matter how unhappy or unsafe they are. Originally, the obsession was to an alcoholic or addict and called co-dependency. Today the obsession can be to any relationship.

Lovesick is a term from the old days which describes someone who is so in love they are almost in another state of consciousness. This is especially true for those experiencing unrequited love.

Lust is sexual attraction also known as passion. It should not be confused with love.

Unfortunately, all of these terms may be offensive to one person or another, so each person should choose the term that makes them feel less ashamed or something they can admit to and live with. Do you want to call yourself an addict or someone who is mentally ill? For me, in the beginning stages, I refer to myself as being immature about attraction and infatuation. (An infatuation is idealizing someone you do not really know very well. It is based on projection, usually your Imago.) I also like John Bradshaw's term "thinking disorder" but in reality, this problem only starts out as a thinking disorder. In the later stages it is an addiction to limerence.

Rather than get hung up on what to call it, let's just say that all of these terms imply that your thoughts, fantasies, emotions, and behavior are out of control and that you need help to recover. Once you are in recovery, any shame, guilt, or remorse should fade away. If not, then you are not in recovery. For instructions on how to recover I refer you to my books and the books of many other professionals.