The Cycle of Domestic Violence

This is a controversial article that I wrote back in 1982. While most of my abuse was unwanted, and caused a lot of psychological damage, by the time I was adult I had come to accept this as way of life. I had to ask myself why. The following list is about the reasons I got stuck in the cycle of domestic violence. The best book on this subject is by Leonor Walker who wrote, The Battered Woman Syndrome which introduced what Walker calls "increased tolerance.

The Cycle of Abuse

Often people accept abuse until they know better. Below is a list of common reasons women and men end up with someone who is abusing them and why they stay.

Love is Blind: Most women fall in love or get married before they find out their partner is abusive. The abusive partner keeps this hidden until the trap is sprung. After the abuse starts, these women continue to love their abuser. They tell themselves that they are just taking the good with the bad.

Dependency on the Relationship: Other women don't love their abuser, but they are dependent on the relationship, and they would rather suffer physical pain than endure the emotional pain of breaking up. They cannot tolerate separation anxiety.

Low Self-Esteem: Some women have such low self-esteem that they don't think they deserve any better. So they just stick with it. They think this is better than nothing.

Abusive Parents: Some women had an abusive parent so this abuse is not out of the ordinary for them. It is seen as the norm. It may even be equated with love. An abusive parent can also be loving, so battered children grow up confusing love with abuse. This confusion becomes a distorted value which influences them as adults.

Neighborhood Norm: To some women abuse may seem ordinary because all of their friends are being abused as well. In some neighborhoods domestic violence is the norm. It may seem futile to try and change the status quo.

It's my Fault: Some women blame themselves rather than their partner. They are sure it is their own fault—that they did something to provoke their partner. Sometimes they even think they deserve the abuse. They keep trying to change themselves so it won't happen anymore.

Gullibility: Some women are gullible and don't learn from the past. They believe their partner when he or she says the abuse will never happen again. Like children, they cling to the fantasy that this person will change.

Sympathy: Many women feel sorry for their partner when he or she asks for forgiveness. They know their partner is sick so they decide to take care of him or her rather than end the relationship. Caretakers are used to putting the needs of others before their own. This is misguided compassion.

Loyalty: When some women make a commitment they feel they must be loyal no matter what—that they have no right to change their mind. They feel guilty if they reject someone, even if that someone is abusing them. This is misguided loyalty.

Projecting One's Fear of Abandonment: Some women project their fear of abandonment onto their partners. They are so afraid of being rejected themselves that they become overly empathetic. They feel their partner will suffer from the rejection and they cannot bear to see someone else suffer, even someone who hurts them.

Fear of Revenge: Many women are terrified of leaving an abusive partner because they fear revenge or because they are financially dependent on this person.

Martyr's Complex: Some women have a martyr's complex. They feel superior when they suffer in the name of love. They wear abuse like a badge of courage. In a twisted sort of way this actually elevates their self-esteem. Christians especially fall into this trap. They think that because Christ died on the cross for the sins of mankind that they should die on the cross for the sins of their partner. They should not. They are not Christ. Some Christians read in the Bible that "love bears all things" and they think that this includes abuse. I don't think it does. Non-Christians fall into this trap also. They listen to the song "Stand by your man," and they think it is romantic to stick with a relationship no matter what.

Self-Pity: A few women let people abuse them because they like feeling sorry for themselves. They like licking their own wounds. Their self-esteem is so low that they substitute self-pity for self-love. Then they become dependent on the self-pity and allow, or even promote, abuse to get a fix.

Making Up: Some women don't like being abused, but they like making up. For instance, when their partner is begging for forgiveness they feel superior and in control. They like the attention. They like the flowers and apologies, so they talk themselves into believing that these gestures of remorse actually make up for the abuse.

Negative Attention: Many women are so starved for attention that even negative attention will do. They might tell themselves that if he didn't love me so much he wouldn't be so angry. This is twisted thinking and can lead to trouble.

Trauma Bonding occurs when you bond with your abuser.