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Post by Susan Peabody on May 18, 2024 15:47:10 GMT -8
Boundaries
Courtney Macavinta & Anderea Varden Plugh,
A boundary is a line--usually an invisible line you set that you don't want others to cross. Your boundaries are defined by your personal limits, values, and life experiences. If you're in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, or if someone does something that you don't like, your line has been crossed. The boundaries you set can affect how a person talks to you, how someone treats you, how someone might touch you, and so much more. Boundaries aren't walls that close you in or keep people out - they're more like a clear protective bubble you create around yourself. In fat, boundaries are actually about letting people in. Setting and honoring boundaries builds respect in your relationships. When you let people know what you're comfortable with and what will help them be closer to you. But you can't expect people to guess your boundaries ( or vice versa). We all have to speak up and let our boundaries be known. Usually, the best way to draw a line with someone is by using a straightforward, strong voice to say something like "I don't feel comfortable when you _________. Please don't do that around me anymore." Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 18, 2024 15:49:03 GMT -8
From a LAA member . . .
SOOO hard to stay true to them sometimes, especially when they are really challenged. I try very hard not to judge people, but what I have learned in the past few months is to not allow anyone who has hurt me or has the potential to hurt me past my "invisible" wall. I work on these every day through reading, talking to friends who understand, revisiting old memories, and when I feel the intense desire to "fix". I cannot fix anyone and know that if I try.....I am only hurting me and taking away their power to live their own lives.
Why are boundaries so hard? What is that we think we are accomplishing by letting others we know don't deserve to be in our inner circles in? I sincerely think that many who have violated my trust aren't to blame.....it is my fault. I didn't set high enough standards for myself, and it was only through intense therapy that I recognized that about myself. My therapist asked me why I was drawn to my ex POA.....I didn't have many answers, but since we had spent so much time talking about him...she finally gave me her thoughts. She said that "do you think that you feel you don't deserve the good man you have at home?" She continued by asking me if perhaps I had allowed my POA in because he was the kind of person I thought I deserved, and that with him, somehow, I felt validated because he didn't have any boundaries himself, and I didn't have to be a good person with him. That is not a critique.....it is a fact.
I am not saying he is less.....that is not for me to say. I can only say he treated me less than a person deserved to be treated, and his abandonment of me was something I would not have done to anyone. It is, however, his choice to do that.....and it is not up to me to say whether it was right or wrong FOR HIM....I can only say it was, in the end, an intervention by my HP that allowed me to see the truth.
I am working, so hard, on figuring out what my boundaries are, and how not to settle for what others feel that I deserve. I am my own person....I choose, and no one else does, not for me....not anymore. I will slip, and fall, and make naive decisions....but recognizing those actions, and not living my life in those mistakes is what I strive for.
Loving me for a change through boundaries! It is a wonderful gift.....one I can thank my POA for, and especially my HP!
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 18, 2024 15:49:55 GMT -8
From a LAA member . . .
A great way to create boundaries and recover is to be honest with people you care about most. I knew I had major problems, but didn't self-diagnose until my husband found out about my affairs. I had already left the last guy months before (classic seductive withholder/romance addict), but still obsessing because of my need to keep him on my string of available go-tos for attention. I couldn't let go completely.
When it all came out into the open and my husband decided to stick with me, I had an amazing moment of clarity on what love really is. For the first time, someone saw all my flaws and chose to love me anyway. He didn't cut and run like I expected him to. After doing a lot of research and reading and praying, I have learned that love addiction not only hurts you, but it also hurts the people around you and those you engage with. I always keep that in mind when I get "twinges." The boundaries are not just for my benefit, but also for my husband, my children and the potential people who could be harmed or enabled by my bad choices. It is so empowering to view a situation from a distance and actively say "no" before anything even starts.
One recent episode involved a client of mine. He is a NASCAR fan and emailed me one day to say he was so disappointed in his favorite driver. I sent a clever email back along with some professional information, and he replied with, "You make me laugh." I felt the boundary right there and did not reply. It felt good.
I am now one year and 10 months in recovery and my life has never been better. I'm present for my children, committed to my husband, no longer angry, and doing positive things I'd never thought I could do. I feel like an adult. My husband is still suffering from grief over the life he thought we had, but he is still here. And I'm finally mature enough to work on our marriage with him and not run away emotionally like I did before. And no matter what happens, I know I am loved and enough just the way I am. God is enough, frankly.
I hope you are all on that same road. Face your fears. It's worth it.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 18, 2024 15:50:40 GMT -8
From a LAA member . . .
Physical boundaries deal with your privacy, personal space, sexuality, and body. They determine who may enter your personal space and who may touch you, and under what circumstances.
Mental boundaries give you the freedom to have and express your own thoughts and opinions.
Emotional boundaries give you the freedom to feel and express your emotions, and help you disengage from the harmful and manipulative emotions of others.
Material boundaries determine whether you lend or give things to others, such as your money, car, books, or food. Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with.
Assertiveness is communicating in a direct and honest way. That's all it is.
Boundaries communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others. That's all they are.
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